Just when I thought things were getting better... Well something alwaysrains on my parade

I really haven't written in this in a long time and I want to say the reason why was because I fucked up major and just didn't know what to write, but the truth is, I had a million and one things to write about everything, I just didn't want to jinx myself from slowly working out the rough edges.

So for those who follow this blog, if you can remember the guy I was seeing this summer, the one I was crazy about, fell madly in love with and was remarkably confused about what the hell would happen when he left; if you can remember the guy that left for school, the guy I tried to put aside after I started seeing someone else, the guy I made the conscious decision to leave because I chose someone I didn't love over the guy I knew I would never stop loving; if you can remember that guy, well, I suppose for argument's sake we can say that my decision turned full circle and somehow he's back in my life.

However, the universe is trying to fuck with me. The universe is REALLY trying to fuck with me. I think it's best that I start with the story of how it ended with Stephan.

After the guy I was seeing this summer left for university in September, he left without confirming whether or not we would continue to see each other or not. I started seeing Stephan because when we started talking, he wanted to work on things with me and I believed everything had ended with the guy I was with this summer. I cannot begin describing how heart broken I was knowing we were over, especially because after everything we went through this summer, he left without saying a proper good-bye. Regardless, I told myself that everything happens for a reason and that the whole heart break was just something I needed to get over and move on from, so I tried.

I was wrong about the whole thing. I had to choose between the two and it only made logical sense to stay with Stephan because he was the person I was already with. It didn't matter that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for the guy I was seeing this summer, it just seemed logical. I thought I was being rational, but I'll be honest, it is impossible to be happy with someone knowing that deep down, your heart is with someone else. So for three more weeks I tried my best to be happy with Stephan, and you know what, I was to some degree. But every time I left his place after spending a good day with him, it wasn't him I was thinking of. It wasn't him I missed. It wasn't him I wanted to be with.

My baby-daddy came down for Halloween, he took me to dinner, bought us drinks and we spent two really awesome days together as the parents we are for my son. We opened up to each other and he was there for me when I told him about everything that had happened. When I told him I didn't know what to do. He said to me, "Honestly, Czar, I don't know what to tell you. You're with Stephan but you love [the name of the guy you were seeing this summer] and you say he loves you back. Take it from someone who knows, if you let this keep going, you'll never be happy with Stephan and you'll miss out completely on being with the guy you SHOULD be with." My baby-daddy doesn't typically give good advice, and when he does, he doesn't typically follow it. But I did take his word for it and a week later, I told Stephan I loved someone else. He told me he was really upset it had to end that way, but at least now he knows where my heart is. And with that, it was over.

I figured I'd just be single and leave it at that. I would rather have no one at all than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

I didn't tell the other guy why Stephan and I really stopped seeing each other and that it was because I was still in love with him because to be honest, I wasn't ready for him to know that. So when he asked, I told him that "I lost interest" in Stephan. Oddly enough, I was given a second chance. So the one I was seeing this summer is now the guy I'm seeing this winter.
No. That's a lie. He's so much more than just the guy I was seeing or am seeing, but I just don't know what we are definitively... I never know what we are definitively and that's the worst part. I guess it's because we're not officially anything except two people who love each other with no rhyme or reason to what we are or what we do. Which is probably why I'm always confused when it comes to him. Despite that though, whenever we're actually together, I know exactly what I am, who I am and where I want to be. So for all intents and purposes, I shall refer to him as "the guy I love" to maintain his anonymity.

So now that you are caught up, here's the thing.
Remember when I was ripping my hair out all summer because I didn't want to lose him when he moved to university? Well he's away at university, probably living the life, I don't know. If he's sleeping with other girls, I don't know. If it matters anymore, I don't even know. I really don't even know anymore. All I can say is that I want him and something is telling me I can't have him because even though he's giving me that chance to work things out; here we have yet another dilemma.

He's moving. Two hours away from the dingy city of Brampton. So not only does he go to school two hours away, but in the summer, he will no longer be a 10 minute drive from home.

When he mentioned it this week, about moving to Brighton in April, I recall him saying "We still haven't talked about what's happening when I move."

Consider the topic immediately diverted because I didn't know HOW to talk about what's happening when he moves.

This is all I have to say about that:
Have you ever wanted something so badly, you almost felt selfish knowing that you'd do whatever the fuck it takes to have it and KEEP it?
I do feel selfish, I would literally do anything and everything to have him and keep him and I don't even care if he moves because I love him. I love his stupid face and I love his stupid voice and I love his stupid laugh and his stupid walk and his stupid kisses and his stupid touch... I just love him and the only thing stupid about it is the fact that I love him so much that I can't let go. I want to let go, I want to because it hurts knowing I love someone who's impossible to be with. He's just impossible to have. For some reason, the universe is fucking with me, and I don't think he will ever be mine and it sucks. It really fucking sucks. And fuck it, you know what, I've always been so generous when I'm in-love; I would give him the world and more if I could. But this time I want to be selfish because I want him. I don't want anyone else, but him.

It hurts, but over time, I've learned to deal.

I'm not going to lie, no one really knows what's going on so when I write something of this particular context, you'll all get lost.

I love him, I do and for fuck's sake my heart is breaking. I made a definitive choice not to give up on him, but after believing he left me, I told myself the best and easiest way to get over him was by letting go. It was easier for me to get over him when I thought he stopped caring about me. And you know what, he did a really good job hiding the way he really felt.

I thought I got over him and I thought I'd moved on. I didn't want the memories or the feelings to linger because I learned from past experiences that time waits on no man and the faster I recover, the more efficiently I live my life. However, after the events of last weekend, what can I say...

It all came rushing back. All of it.

I saw his face when I least expected it and it was like being punched in the gut. I could feel my stomach drop and my heart stop. I seriously felt like there was no one else in the world except for him and me. Sure, I was drunk, but I felt it as real as it was and I don't know how I ever got past that feeling and summed up the courage to walk over and say "hi".

I don't know how to describe the pain I felt for him, for both of them. For both the men in my life that had to deal with my stupid choices. Being in the same room with two men that I care so deeply about and knowing I chose one over the other but genuinely, secretly, I wanted them both. It's the worst thing to say and it's the worst feeling in the world. I had to pull my friend aside and onto the patio and tell her.. no.. I screamed at her, I screamed my unprofessed love at her. I was on the verge of tears and all I could say was, "I fucking love him so much, I love him! I don't know what to do, but my heart hurts."

I cannot explain what happened that night in a way that would make sense to any of you, but I cried my eyes out for almost an hour to Stephan as a result of the events that took place after going back to his place and ordering a pizza. From my recollection of what happened last night, it went a little bit like this. After he left for a smoke, I went into his room and checked my phone. I was engrossed with a conversation via text and my heart began to crumble. Stephan called me to the kitchen when the pizza arrived and all I could do was grab a slice, walk back to his room, turn off the lights and shut the door. I couldn't eat. I just sat on the edge of his bed and after placing the pizza on some hard surface in the room, I buried my face into the palm of my hands and felt myself being overwhelmed with regret. I remember Stephan coming into the room, knowing something was wrong, he sat beside me and remained silent, but as soon as I was asked if I was okay, everything came pouring out. The contents of my heart came crashing into the walls of his room like torrential ocean waves and I could feel him drowning in my pain. Despite the fact that he took my hand in his and did his best to comfort me, my God, I knew it was killing him inside knowing how much I still loved someone else. So this weekend, I tried my best to stay positive for him and I tried my best to pretend that I was only being an emotional wreck because I was drunk. I told him I was okay and that I felt a lot better about the whole thing, but he reads me like a book and so I told him I couldn't see him this week, in fear that he'd know I was lying. Deep down inside, despite the steady note in my voice over the phone when I told him I was alright and I felt better, I knew once he saw me he would know I was still hurting. Maybe he'd even be able to read in my eyes that something in me wanted to leave him and go back to the man I gave my heart to this summer. But I couldn't do that and I knew I wouldn't.

The man that I left, but still love is the one who at this moment is making my heart bleed out. I can't stop thinking about him, and in my mind all I can see is his face. The look in his eyes when he saw me with someone else, it was the most painful sight I have ever seen and it's embedded in the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes. I didn't know he still cared about me or even loved me and I didn't know he held on to any of the feelings we had this summer. I thought he gave up on me and left me and I thought he started a new life when I left. I found out I was so wrong, so very very wrong, and now my mind keeps finding its way back to thoughts of him. When I see his name on facebook or in my message inbox in my phone, when I see his picture or even the stupid green dot beside his name when he's online, my heart skips a beat. I die a little inside everytime knowing and feeling how badly I want to be with him and it's tearing me apart.

What's worse is that I don't feel any less for Stephan and if anything I feel more for him. I feel so sorry I'm putting him through this and I feel so sorry for even considering leaving him. He means so much to me and it has nothing to do with our compatibility or how well we get along. We've been talking to each other for almost two months, but for some reason I'm falling for him hard and after everything that's happened I just feel like I'm putting him through more than he needs to deal with, yet he's hanging on and putting up with me anyway. After watching me pour my heart out to him about the way I feel about another man, he still asked me to see him on thanksgiving and still devoted his night to me. He cares so much about me and I'm trying my best not to hurt him, but the irony of it all is that to preserve the condition of his heart, I'm breaking the condition of another and it's killing me to do so.

After breaking someone's heart, someone that I dearly love, I turned to Stephan and I looked him dead in the eye and said "Stephan, can you be honest with me, are you falling for me?"
"I think so."
"No, I'm serious, are you falling for me?"
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"Please don't. I don't want to hurt you."
"I think it's a little bit late for that."

He squeezed me tighter and told me it's okay, everything is going to be okay. Now that it's really hitting me and all of my feelings for both of them are quickly unravelling at my feet, I know it's time for me to shut my eyes and really tell myself what I need.

I care about them both and I'm torn between the two. My heart goes out to both of them, but it's never fair to share your heart with someone who gives you their all. I sat down today and asked myself what I wanted and really truly asked myself what I wanted. I want to be with Stephan, I want what we have to work out and grow and strengthen until or unless either of us finds a reason to stop. When I'm with him, I'm happy and I'm alive, and I don't want that to change. I'm sorry for what I did to the man I gave my heart to this summer, and I'm sorry he had to suffer at my hand. I'm so sorry. My heart is still breaking for the one I loved, and though it is so hard to say this, I know my heart will heal in time because I'm slowly, but surely falling in-love with someone else.

Why Me

There's usually that moment in a relationship or a mutual understanding between two people when the question arises: "Why me?"

As in why do you like me? Why did you pick me? Why did you choose to be with me? Why am I different from everyone else and why does that draw you to me instead of to them?

You can have anyone you want and be with anyone you want. You're smart, you're pretty and you're good at everything. You're different from other girls, you're just so different. Why me?

I'm just an ordinary guy and there's nothing special about me. You could be with someone so much better, so why do you like me?

New semester, new boy, pulling heart strings like a wind-up toy

If there exists so simple a thing on this fruitful earth that we are ever so sure of, I’m certain of it to be the lack of it, or rather—the nothingness.

Story Time:
This summer, I was seeing a guy who I met three years ago who ended up being an incredible friend to me. We were never really close until this summer hit and we did have an incredible summer together.

His plans were set out for him and we both knew he was moving come August and the likelihood of us staying together was slim to none.

He told me once that it was easier for me because when he left I would stop caring about him, I would forget about him and I would find a “new boy”.

In some way, he was right.

He was wrong in some aspects because I still care about him, and I didn’t forget him.

Well, you can only imagine the part of his assumptions that ended up being true. It is now September.

At the beginning of August I went to a bar with my girlfriends and met a guy who was very out-going and incredibly easy to talk to. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his conversation and by the end of the night, well…. We call it the end of the night because that’s when the night is over, right?

A few days later, I found his number in my phone—after completely forgetting all recollections of having even taken it down at all—I decided to message him. This in itself is a rarity of many sorts because I never message back the people who give me there numbers whilst in my drunken state, but something told me it would be nice to figure out what he was up to, so I did.

Since then, we’ve been talking dawn ‘til dusk. So between every “good morning” when the sun comes up and every “good night” when our eyes can’t stay open any longer, we managed to find an infinite amount of things to talk about, therein giving us infinitely more reasons to enjoy each other.

So, finally, for the first time after the night at the bar and that morning after, we hung out and spent the entire day together. I don’t know if words can explain how positively good it truly felt to spend my time with someone so genuine and so real. I think the only way I can describe it is the way I usually do: by conveying my thoughts of every feeling and every emotion through a flurry of words that describe only an infinitesimal amount of comparisons to what I really felt..

Well it did feel something like this,

When you see him, and you try to act casual, but your face feels bombarded with the smile that won’t fuck off. When you try to act reserved and civilized, but your arms just pull you forward and somehow your lips are on his. Then in that instant you realize he kissed you first and even if you were reserved, he definitely wasn’t.

When you walk side by side and without giving it a single thought, instinctively your hand has it’s hold within his and somehow he just knows to squeeze yours tighter; as if he knows you need that bit of reassurance because all you’re thinking  of is “am I dreaming, or is this real life?”.

When you’re lying down together and no words need to be said to break the silence because staring into his eyes makes you feel almost as if you’ve known him forever, as if you’ve known everything he’s already said to you and everything he will say to you. But even though you only met him just recently, it’s wanting to know so much more of him and his life that intrigues you and piques at your interest. Suddenly you’re engrossed with curiosity and even his little horror stories seem like a beautifully webbed obstacle in the path of the protagonist-hero from the fairy tale that your life with him is starting to feel like.

When he touches you and every bit of your skin begins to tingle, not because you’re nervous or scared, but because his every touch simply excites you. Suddenly every fibre of your being is overwhelmed with the desire to want him more and more and more and even when you have him as close and as completely as one possibly could, you’re not ready to stop and let go. In fact, more than anything, you will the world to stop for you, just in that instant, because it’s almost the perfect moment for time to stand still because every emotion is at it’s peak. However, even the descent from thence forth is still unrivaled in its simplicity for sheer calm and undoing.

When you close your eyes because hearing the sound of his voice is the only sense you want to feel because without knowing why, you know that even in it’s simplicity, it’s beautiful. For just that second, the smile on his face and the feel of his lips on your lips or his skin on your skin isn’t comparable to the simple peace that succumbs you when the rest of your senses are veiled by the sound of his voice.

When you’re making dinner and he pulls you into him just for the kiss. Maybe it’s a “thank you for making me dinner” kiss, or an “I saw you from across the counter and I couldn’t resist” kiss, or even the “you smiled at me first and I knew you wanted it” kiss, but for whatever reason he has, you know you kiss him back with a “just because” kiss… just because you know he wouldn’t kiss you unless he wanted to.

When you’re working over the stove and you feel him coming closer to you, suddenly his arms wrap around your waist from behind so he can pull you in as he kisses the back of your head and the nape of your neck and says to you, “You’re so beautiful.” But even with the pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other, with the burner heat set on high and the sound of the oil sizzling in front of you, the world stands still for you because it’s letting you know that you have time to smile for such simple little things.

When you’re asleep with his arms wrapped around you, and you wake up to his gentle kisses on yours cheek and neck. You turn around to give him a kiss and whilst half asleep, you say, “you woke me up, Mr. Shea” and all he can say back is, “and?” before continuing to kiss you. You feel yourself smiling in his kisses and notice the sides of his mouth turning upward when he kisses you as well; so even though the lights are out and the sun is down, you begin to imagine his adorable dimples and the innocent shape of his eyes when he smiles at you. Suddenly, you’re both smiling and kissing and laughing because though nothing is funny it’s always appropriate to laugh with the people who make you smile.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s happening a lot quicker than I wanted or even expected it to.  He’s far from perfect, but he’s just so fucking real. I keep finding more and more reasons to believe that he’s different and it’s attractive to say the least.

I don’t know where this is going or where it will take us, but he’s amazing because from the day I met him he’s had more substance in his character than most of the men I’ve had the pleasures and displeasures of meeting. He’s everything he said he was and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt the man he says he is. He’s been so honest with me from day one and even if he’s just another one that comes and goes like all the rest, I already know he’ll be special to me. His dad’s left handed, therefore, it must be true.

Thereby, I conclude this affair with a nod and smile.

The last four months have been somewhat of an amazing adventure for me, but now that it's slowly coming to a close and the doors of school and a new semester are opening up, I find myself at a relative calm and it's nice.
Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow for school and I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about it; I'm just okay with it.
I thought I would be super dramatic the way I usually am with these things because I have a knack for getting myself into unnecessary bouts of separation anxiety, but it's just the funniest thing knowing I don't really care because he's not really going anywhere. I mean I care, but I'm not going mentally bananas because it's not really a big deal. He'll be busy with rugby and after seeing his schedule, I know that he won't have much time for me anyway and I'm fine with that. I know I have school and work to deal with, but I also have my son and a lot of other things that will inevitably consume the entirety of this semester. Other than the few weekends that I'll be able to take off, I know that whenever I do get to visit him, it'll probably be that much more amazing anyway because people just tend to appreciate the things in life that don't happen as often as the events that take place in their daily routines. For instance, I know every time I visit Kait in Ottawa, I'll make the best of it every single time and I know every minute spent with all the girls together will be awesome because you can't help but appreciate the time spent together when you go from seeing someone you love every day to as much as once a month.
I guess for him it will be the same because there's just something about him that's different. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what's to become of us. Hints of this and that have been thrown up in the air of what is expected to happen, but there really is no certainty until tomorrow when he leaves because if he's out of Brampton and we're not officially together, then we're not going to be and that's perfectly fine.
I've been raised to be thoughtful and understanding and that really came out the last few days when I realized that when he's away, I'm okay with knowing that there's no reason for him to stop himself from enjoying the indulgences of other women. In my case, no matter how much I love him, life is life and we just roll with the punches. If there's no certainty that he wants me to himself then I probably wouldn't stop myself from being with other people either. I figure that we can both care about each other, but if he would rather be "text-book-definition single" then neither of us are obliged entirely to anyone. However, it is what it is and as long as we're still friends, I know I'll always love him because that's what you do when you care about someone who means this much to you. I'm not going to sit here and say that if he sees other girls while he's away, I'm going to get hurt because I won't. I've already accepted the idea that we're probably not going to be together after he leaves. However, I know that the next time I see him, nothing will change because before me, there were tons of women and there very well may be tons more after me. That doesn't take away the fact that whenever I'm with him he makes me happy and whenever we kiss, all I can do is smile. I would never deny how much he invariably means to me and nothing changes the fact that he is worth fighting to keep. But I know it's only right to let the people you love be happy and to be honest, if he is happier being with other women when he's away for school then sobeit.
There are some people out there who are happy knowing that they have one person in their life who means everything to them. No matter what the distance, they'll give up the indulgences of sex with other people simply because they're happy with the person they're with. But whatever the case, I'm not as much of a selfish bitch as I usually come off to be and even though I love him, I'm willing to let him go.
I'm not going to let myself lose him, that would be stupid. I'm not going to give up on him, that would be cowardice. However, even though I want to be with him, and he knows that; there's nothing worse than being with someone who would rather be with other people; if I ended up being the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants, the thought alone would eat me alive. So, I will let him call the shots because when I love someone, it's always their happiness over mine, and that's what counts.

That awkward moment when you realize you're an emotional prude..

It's funny.. getting a lot of texts after writing an angry blog post asking if I'm okay or telling me that I have bad taste in men or whatever the hell else.

A) I'm great now, significantly better than I was before. But at the time, no, I was not great. I was not okay and there are an insurmountable amount of reasons why I rage via internet, however, it is commonly due to the fact that I can't actually commit mass murders when I'm angry without being arrested and tried; therefore, I channel my weighty rage elsewhere.

B) I am aware that I have bad taste in men. I have AWFUL taste in men. But.. well.. Can I just say that every girl has a boyfriend or a man-partner who probably does the same shit or even worse shit to them than mine has done to me? The only reason why it looks like the taste I have in men in something along the lines of vilely repulsive is because I'm the only person who does not give a shit if my life is on the internet. However, I don't like hanging up my dirty laundry for everyone, so I wanted to just clear up my last post... because... well.. it was partially if not entirely uncalled for.

So obviously I told my mom about what happened because I tell that wench everything.
As embarrassing as it is, she said to me, "Czar, honestly, you think you're perfect? You think that you would never make a mistake like that in a relationship? If you did that to someone you cared about and acted immaturely or irrationally, but after coming to your senses, you knew the fight wasn't worth losing them over and you genuinely apologized, do you seriously believe you wouldn't deserve a second chance? It wasn't an unforgiving incident, it was just a misunderstanding and bad communication on both your parts. He's not perfect, but if he said he was sorry and you feel that he means it, then don't be such a bitch about it because you're not a high and mighty queen who can step on people like that and tell them they don't deserve to be forgiven just because you're angry and conceited and think you own the universe. That's stupid and if you think this fight is worth it, then you're stupid too."

Thank you, mother, for your insightful words.

However, ummm...
Yeaaah.. So I'm not mad at him anymore, obviously. I pretty much stopped being angry after I published the last post about it simply because I genuinely believed it was over and I've learned not to cry over spilled milk. So once I got it out of my system, I just left it alone. On the contrary to my belief that it was over and that he would just drop it too, I unexpectedly received an apology. I haven't received the full explanation because that's not something you can talk about in a message and since we haven't had the time to see each other this week and fully discuss what happened, it remains unexplained, but we're okay now. I think we might actually be doing better than before the fight/fracas/argument/dispute/conflict/quarrel/disturbance, whatever the fuck it was, yeah, I actually feel that for some really fucked up and strange reason, things just ended up getting better.
Call me retarded. Go for it. I am.
Okay so my taste in men still isn't exquisite, I admit. However, I'm a man of my word and I still stand by what I said in the prior post regarding this issue. Everything that happened was actually quite horrible, I still stand by the fact that it WAS his folly, he WAS the one who said we were over, he WAS the one stepping out of line and he WAS the one acting irrationally. However, he acknowledged it. To be fair, I did not bitch at him or argue back. I didn't carry on the fight, nor did I try to point out the reasons why he was in the wrong. However, I did send him a kerfuffle of texts trying to tell him that I respect his decision not to be with me and that if all we wanted to do was pick a fight and throw accusations at me, then I didn't want to hear the millions of reasons why he thinks I'm such a horrible person. I did my best to end on good terms and my exact words were, "Honestly, I respected you and I trusted you and I'm really bummed that we had to end it this way. I don't hold grudges and breaking bridges over something as juvenile as this is simply immature, so if one day you realize that I genuinely never meant to hurt you and you decide that you want to be friends again, come talk to me.
Until then, I do hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and I do wish you good luck when you start at [...] this fall."

Harmless, I think. 

Anyway, he did apologize and he's been good to me since. I know a lot of you reading this will say to yourselves, "well, Czar's fucking stupid because who's to say he won't do it again? and now she's just forgiving him like it was nothing." Or maybe you'll even say, "We;;, Czar, you're stupid because you blew up over nothing and now you're regretting it." actually, no I'm not regretting it, and I did have every reason to blow up. I'm just a forgiving person in the light of reason.
However, not very many people are smart enough to say, "nope, I'm done, I'm not even going to give it a chance to happen again, I'm out, peace."

But the difference is, I didn't fight WITH him, nor did I fight FOR him. I respected his decision when he said we were over and I left it at that. When he said everything in the world that made me angrier than Poseidon when Odysseus blinded Cyclops (which I believe to be the best demonstration of anger in fictional history), I said I was okay with us being over and I wasn't going to argue because it's pointless. Honestly, I didn't ask for us to be over, I didn't want us to be over, but I knew that if he felt the same way he would prove me otherwise. It was his call to leave, at no fault of mine, and if he really meant it, he would have stopped messaging me after I said I was okay with us being over. 
He did apologize, and even after going on his rant about why he was so mad at me, he still had it in him to say he was sorry for it. It's hard for any guy to go against everything he said and apologize for doing what he thought was justifiable and I think that takes balls. So kudos to him.
I'm still waiting for his explanation, not that it matters anymore because the storm has settled, but I still don't know how we even got into that fight or where it all came from and I just want to know why.
Other than that... well..
He's been doing a pretty good job of showing me that I didn't make a mistake when I accepted his apology. I guess that's what matters. No point lingering on the past. I just want to hear the explanation to make sure I did the right thing and I just need to know it won't happen again. 

A few pre-work thoughts..

Sometimes I wonder what should be more important to me:
Being with a guy who will go to the ends of the earth because he has infinite reasons to fight for me
Or
Being with a guy that I would go to the ends of the earth for because I found infinite reasons to fight for him.

Then I realized that the person I ought to have is the one who instantly knows I would fight for him because I know that without a doubt he would fight for me.

And you proved me wrong.

Look, I'm sitting here thinking you were different. Then I found out that you have a nasty way of misinterpreting the situation and instead of asking me what happened you pointed fingers at me and started talking shit. I can tell by the things you're saying that you actually don't know what the fuck you're talking about because I'm genuinely confused with regards to how even half the things you said were at all relevant. So, I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain to you how wrong you fucking are because you showed me the side of you that I didn't want to see. You sent me such wonderful messages trying to break me down or some shit, telling me that I did stuff that I wasn't even aware of doing. Calling me things that I wasn't even aware of being.

You think you know me and you think you have an inkling of an idea as to what I did or why I did anything at all. Really, you're getting your stories from someone else and thinking you're a detective or some analytic genius, you must have thought it would be smart to make your assumptions viable. So, instead of asking me if any of your ill-conceived assumptions were true, you just decided to tell me things that were bloody fucking uncalled for.
Really? Because when I heard shit about you I didn't hesitate to ask you straight up what the deal was. I at least had it in my mind to hear your story first. I didn't drunkenly text you saying irrelevant shit with the definitive confirmation that it was over. But hey, that shows significantly more about my character in contrast to yours and I'm glad I found out now as opposed to waiting it out and finding out later.

There are a thousand and one reasons why I care about you and why I love you. I could list them off and make your heart shatter because you would only be finding out now how much you genuinely meant to me. I won't bother though because you don't deserve the privilege of knowing you meant anything to me at all. I don't take shit from anyone and it only took one text at 3:31AM this morning to make me realize that I would rather let you go than fight for you after listening to your bullshit assumptions of what I'm doing or what I did. I'll miss being with you for a bit, but it sure as hell beats the thought of dealing with the shit you put me through this evening.

I didn't want to ruin our friendship and that's why I came to you asking you for the truth instead of making my own assumptions of what was really going on. I respected you enough to hear it from you instead of believing my secondary resource and I respected you enough to drop the whole thing when I heard what you had to say because I trusted you enough to believe what you told me. However, you took a different route and made assumptions that clearly aren't true nor are they even logically coherent to have been made and you got mad at me assuming they were true.

Well, look at where that puts us now. I'm at the point where I don't really want to speak to you ever again which is why I'm venting in a fucking blog post instead of telling you straight up to begin with.

Luckily for me, you're not the first person to fuck me over and being so used to this feeling makes me very emotionally numb to this right now. I know that once I click "Publish" on this blog post, that'll be that. I'll have it off my chest and I'll feel good again about my daily routine. So yeah, if you want to know why I'm not fighting back or picking up on your pitiful argument or even trying to justify and defend myself when you take cheap shots at me or why I'm not even remotely making the attempt to tell you where you went wrong with your accusations... if you want to know why I'm not fighting to keep you it's because whether or not the fight is worth it, I've gone down this road and I don't have a reason to WANT this anymore.
It turns out you're just another guy who can easily be replaced and I never wanted that. I wanted a guy who could show me he was a one of a kind: a diamond in the rough, I thought that was you. I thought you were different, but you proved me wrong and in a single text, I lost all reasons to believe that you were ever any better than the rest. I'm not sorry. You never asked to hear me out before making accusations and I genuinely don't believe I owe you anything, especially not an apology. 


So goodbye.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.

Queen of corruption capital

Okay so this story is almost a little bit too random not to tell...
Yesterday, I spent most of my day with the family celebrating my little cousin's birthday. I came home tired as shit and then my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy asked me to come out to Fionn's. In all honesty, I was way too tired to go and I didn't want to pay for a cab but after telling my friend that I wanted to go but wasn't entirely down to find the means of getting there and coming back, she told me she'd meet up with me there and then drive me home. So I went.
Anyway, I think I must be the bestestest friend of all time ever, while simultaneously being the worst influence ever because when my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy put it in my mind that my friend ought'a hook up with one of his best friends, I instantly did everything in my will and power to make that happen.
I'm a little bit of a tragedy at best, but I do recall telling my best friend the following: "It's YOUR summer, bitch, I'm not down to be a whore this summer, but there's nothing stopping you from being one!!"
Mind you, I was pretty drunk at this point, sure those words were a little bit aggressive, but I'm pretty sure that my effort led to 50% of the following events that part-took throughout the course of the night and I suppose 40% was due to the guy's charisma while the remaining 10% was due to my friend's willingness to do whatever it was she did on her own..

Anyway, after getting to a friends house and passing out on a futon with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy in the same room with his friend and my friend, I wake up at roughly 5:30AM to a text message from my friend telling me that she left, not even 10 minutes prior, and she dropped off my purse in front of a bush beside my house. Followed by another text saying "Arriving home with my bra and panties in hand, can't get much classier."

Honestly, I slept through whatever the hell happened last night, save for a moment where I woke up to Carly Rae Jepson and started singing it. Other than that.. well, it's her summer, right? I could potentially be such a horrible friend, but realistically, I never left her metaphorical side and I think my judgment played out pretty well last night. I think I should make my rounds setting my friends up with potential hook ups for the rest of the summer because lord knows that's what I've always been good at, considering that I'm terrible at doing it for myself.

I may as well corrupt my friends since I'm done being corrupted. It was nice being with my "not my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy last night. Anyway, I had a good morning, to say the least.

Scrap that last blog post

I'm on the red and slightly hormonal. So after reading that last bit through, I realized it makes me sound super pissed and almost angry.
I'm not. I'm really happy with the present events and I'll say it again, every time I'm with him I feel amazing and comfortable and happy. Just to clarify; there is a reason why he's worth fighting for. I don't know any girl in the world who wouldn't try to hold onto a guy who makes her feel as incredible as he makes me feel. And to be honest, I know he's happy with me. Just knowing he's happy with me is enough to make me smile and it makes me comfortable. I think anyone who can have that effect on a person is worth holding on to, don't you?
"girl, you either fight like hell to keep me or you let me go completely; not a single 'if', 'but', or 'maybe'; you either leave me now or be my lady"

To be honest..........

Sooo, I'm sure many of you have noticed my heightened bitchiness and moodiness this week; well, most of you anyway. I owe it all to mother nature and the regular cycle between the moon and the tides.

Yes, it is that time of the month.

I usually have bad weeks when I'm on the red. I personally believe it's because once I know I'm on it, I immediately emanate negative energies that could power a small city in France. That aside, I didn't want to screw up my week after having such a great weekend with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. So on Sunday, after taking the last pill before the 5-day, unholy shower from hell that occurs once every 28 days, I told myself that I don't give a fuck what mother nature does to me, I'm having a mother fucking greatastic week. So far, I am. Sure, it's only Wednesday, Humpday, but I feel pretty accomplished. I actually am very happy.

Sunday morning took an interesting turn into unexpected events with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy; we sort of talked about what would happen once the summer's over, it didn't go in my favour and was left open-ended, so that's pretty lame, but whatever. After leaving off on a good note, I ended up waking up Monday morning and feeling really good about this week. I spent a bit of my Monday and Tuesday with him; of course, I had to fight the giant smile off my face the whole time that we were together in order to prevent myself from looking like a smiling psychopathic idiot (Bleh, I'm really gonna miss that when he leaves). Anyway, on Monday, after spending time with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy, I took my son to see my really good friend (who will remain nameless like everyone else I mention in my blog posts except Chelsea and Kaitlyn) and we hung out for a few hours, it was nice. And now today, after what felt like forever, I finally got to spend time with my best friend, Kaitlyn and not to mention that the last two days at work were really good because I'm getting along amazingly with my manager.

I don't know what to say, really, it's just been a good week. I'm feeling pretty confident about the way the summer is playing out and not much has changed since I wrote my last post on the weekend. Generally, I'm just really happy. 

However, keeping it relevant to the blog once again, I guess my friends really care about me or something because a lot of them have been asking me what's going on with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. But 9 times out of 10, I'll just tell them to refer to the blog because it's hard to explain. Even today, after trying to explain the situation to Kaitlyn, I caught myself fidgeting with my fingers and hair (a nervous habit I have when I'm at a loss for words) and while trying to explain it, all I could really say was "I don't know, it's like....I guess it's like....Well.. no, what I'm trying to say is that it's sort of like.. I don't know". 

It's actually really confusing and I absolutely hate the feeling of uncertainty; where you have to second guess yourself because even you have no idea what's going on or where this is going (if anywhere at all). 

But... hmm..

okay, so maybe I should really vent on this... like really vent.. I've been a little bit cautious about what to put up because everyone and anyone can read this if they wanted, but to hell with it. It's not like my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy is going to read this because I don't even think he knows Chelsea and I have this blog to begin with. Anyway, don't bother reading the rest if listening to bitches vent doesn't tickle your fancy because lord knows that's all I'll be doing. I don't know what it is about having to publicly vent, but it channels my thoughts and once it's out, it's out, and the weight's off my shoulders. So here we go, my thought process, in a more or less trashy potty mouth rendition of what's actually being thought of in my head:

I am simultaneously happy and bummy at the same time. For obvious reasons. 

I like a guy, a whole heck of a lot, and to be quite fucking honest, yes, world, yes I do want to be with him. I would very much like to date him because he means quite a fucking lot to me and I really don't want to lose him because he makes me pretty fucking happy. No, I have no idea where this is going and it makes me sad because I'm expecting the end of my summer to involve a very tragic good-bye with no chance of actually being with him. It bloody damn well sucks balls. On Sunday, I made him upset, and he told me that it was okay because when the summer's over I wont have to deal with his "shit" anymore. He told me that when he moves back for school in September, eventually I'll stop caring about him, I'll forget about him and "find a new boy". Boom. Never wanted to hear him say that and sure, it was basically brushed aside and thrown under the rug after that point and now that it's been disregarded, everything has been really good and I'm happy with how things are right now. But at the end of the day, I took those words as his deciding factor; he obviously doesn't see this going anywhere and there's no way he's going to give us a chance after he goes back to school; it's absolutely fucking lame as all hell. 

So yeah, here's the thing, I decided I'm going to fight like hell to keep him. By the looks of it, I'll probably fail and I'm pretty sure he won't be down for a relationship heading into September, but I'd rather face that rejection than giving up the possibility of us actually ever being together if there even exists a chance at all. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes me an idiot, but fuck it, I love a challenge when I see one and I'm taking this one on with gusto. I know for a fact that if I let myself lose him and don't even bother trying, it's going to bother the fuck out of me knowing I didn't do my best to keep him.

I know what you're thinking... Czar, you are an idiot, you daft little witchlet, you are going to contest in this fool-hearted challenge and lose, and get hurt, and then blog about that, and we don't want to hear it because you're an annoying little bitch. Okay, sure, but like I said, if there's a chance at all that this could work, fuck it, I'll fight for it.

Seriously? When have I ever been a quitter? All the tattoos on my body are dedicated to the fact that I'm that one bitch that fought through hell just to get where I am, this is no challenge remotely near the magnitude of what I've faced before, and with that, I'm sure my cold little heart can take a minor punch to the dick next month if this doesn't work out and all my efforts are thrown in the metaphorical toilet. And you know what, I'm absolutely done with thinking that rejection will hurt me. I realized that even if he's just not down for a relationship, we'll still be friends anyway. So IDGAF, if it doesn't work out, fine; despite being an inexpressive, emotionless, cold-hearted bitch, I stand by every word I told him on Sunday; even if we can't be together, he was my friend before we started seeing each other, I cared about him before we started liking each other, and despite the fact that he thinks I'm going to forget about him, I won't; because even if we were never meant to be with each other, I'll always remember that after all the bullshit that happened this year, he was the one guy that showed me it's still possible to respect and trust men again.
I'm crazy about him.

I'm gonna carry on with my good week, carry on with my good summer and hopefully it all works out for the better. Yupp, fuck it, I'm done with this rant.

I thought it would be an eventful night.

Tonight I had plans to go to a good friend's house party, or to Fionn's with the best friend, or to see the guy. However, now it's looking like I'm going absolutely nowhere because last night I slept over at the guy's house  and now my parents want to have "their night"... which is entirely fair, I guess I have no choice but to stay in though. Not that that's a bad thing at all; My son's been in bed since 8, I'm exhausted out of my mind and this just gives me the time I need to think.
So, before setting myself a pot of tea and taking a book with me to have a bubble bath, I decided maybe I'd write a blog post relevant to my thought process as of late.

Inspired by Chelsea's post; it's fair to say that no one knows how much a person can mean to them, even if they were insignificant in their lives before. Relevance? After last night, I realized a few things...
a) shit changes FAST
b) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize whether that person has the ability to make you happy or not
c) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize that you don't want to lose them

So basically I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore about this situation and I'm pretty torn about it because things keep changing and are unexpectedly getting progressively better. It's one of those situations where you gotta say "what goes up, must come down" and I feel like the God that my atheist "not-really-my-boyfriend-but-practically-my-boyfriend" doesn't believe in is punishing me for something horrid that I must have done in the past, let me explain...
Last night, it was really nice being with the guy and of course, I was really happy to spend time with him because I haven't seen him almost all week. It's like every time we're together he finds more and more ways to make me smile, giving me more and more reasons to like him, but then it always hits me once we're not together anymore that he's going away in September and that will be the end of that and it's just suuuuuch a mighty bitch to even think about. I've already come to accept it and I just keep telling myself not to fall for him just to save myself the trouble of dealing with the consequences of whatever is to come of this once the summer is over.
Well, to be honest, it's really hard being with someone you care this much about who you know you're going to lose, indefinitely, but soon. I'm enjoying my summer with all the people involved, but every second spent with him, as stated in my last post, has been amazing. But every time he kisses me goodbye, and he's out of sight, it hits me again that I'm actually going to lose this guy. I'm trying not to get attached, but I must be doing a poor job at that, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it. I keep asking myself why I bother seeing him anymore knowing that we can't actually be together, but I haven't been able to answer that question yet. I mean, maybe it's because I'm trying to get the best out of this as I can because of how happy he makes me, or maybe it's because I'm slightly masochistic and I get off to the self-torture of being in these shitty situations.
Who knows?
What I know for sure is that a month ago, I started liking him; two weeks ago, I learned to respect him; and this week, I trust him.  He's a rarity as far as I'm aware and in my eyes, he's certainly worth fighting for. But even though he's entirely worth the fight, knowing whether I WOULD is different from knowing whether I SHOULD...
A lot has changed in just under two weeks and I'm starting to feel as if things will keep getting better with him until the end of August when he has to move back and then it'll be the shittiest buzz when I have to say bye not only to him but to Chelsea and Kaitlyn as well...
Then I think about what Chelsea wrote in her last post; I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and there must be a reason out there for this strange occurrence.
In the past, I have fought for things that meant much less to me than he does.. like when I was little and I would kick and scream on the floor for hours until my mom apologized for blaming something on me when it was my brothers fault. I mean, I really don't think I could have cared any less for that, but I fought like hell to get it. I'm just torn between the decision to just let myself lose this guy just because that's what's written in the stars or if the whole reason why this is all coming down on me so heavily is because I'm actually supposed to do something about it and apparently about a month and a half is ample time to act on it...
But then again...
My tea is waiting for me and there's a bubble bath calling my name.. I'm dying to delve into the pages of my book and just forget.... To be fair, the last time I fought for a guy, he never put an ounce of effort into fighting for me.. so conclusively... I'll just let my heart rip open for a few days while I wallow in the fact that I'm going to lose another amazing guy.
Bath time.

More or less a rant about life.

This is my first post in this blog... I think... and surprisingly enough it isn't really about sex or dating or anything of that sort. It's just about life. So if you're down for that keep reading, if you're not then I don't know why you clicked this in the first place, the title is pretty self explanitory.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about fate and life and whether or not people have a "path". All that bullshit. For many reasons which I will choose not to talk about right now, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the grass is always greener where it rains, and just because whatever might be happening now is awful, it won't always be like that because life isn't stasis. If it was, there wouldn't be much of a point to life at all, would there? So when things are especially difficult, I choose to believe that it's happening for a reason, and that reason will ultimately help me grow as a person.

I think that the point of life is change. We learn, we adapt, we evolve. In the last 8 years I've realized that more than ever. Just because things seem to have hit absolute rock bottom doesn't mean that you should set up camp and live there. Everything is temporary, nothing is predictable. I used to go crazy thinking about the future and wanting everything to stay the exact way it was, thinking that if anything moved an inch my whole world would come crumbling down. But then I looked at my life in hindsight, and thats exactly what had happened. Everything had changed, but I'd barely even realized it. Once I understood that, I realized that it wasn't a big deal. I was okay, everyone else was okay, and even though things were different.. they were fine.

Sometimes things can be exceptionally harder than one would like them to be, and it is harder to cope during those times. Eventually though, different has become the new normal, the present has become the past, and you have grown considerably.
You should never let change hinder your growth. Embrace all of it, because really there's no other option. Life can feel like complete garbage sometimes, but holding onto the past doesn't do any favours for yourself in the future. The past is a part of you, but it shouldn't define who you are.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Sometimes life is shitty but it's necessary. Dwelling on negativity will never benefit you or anyone else, so there's no point in holding onto it. People will stay, people will go, people will love you, people will hate you. Deal with it, take it as it is, and move forwards.

The best part of life is never knowing what's going to happen next, so why would you want everything to stay the same?

Sorry if this is incoherent and/or stupid. I've only had one coffee and I've been up since 7:30.

ChelC3-P0

annnd as it turns out.....

So neither chelc-3p0 or myself have written in this particular blog in a while, I'm sure I know why she hasn't, but that's her story, not mine. Anywho, turning the page..
With my son's birthday party coming up and everything else just slowly falling into place, I can truthfully say that my head's where it needs to be right now. No more shenaniganery for the remainder of the summer, and most certainly not once school starts in September.
It's sincerely a-significant-as-hell-lot more fun working on crafts and other neat shit for my son than it is to philander about like a semi-triumphant nymphomaniac anyway. On top of that, I'm personally very happy with the person I'm seeing now and yeah, my head's just in the right place right now. It feels good to be busy... of course it helps when I have the son, the best friends, and the guy to keep me occupied, but I think I like this situation a lot better than the one I was in two weeks ago. It's a lot easier knowing where you are and what you want... as opposed to being lost and confused with short term goals.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to mindlessly vent.. It's not venting, really. I'm not pissed... I just need to get some thoughts off my chest..
As stated before, I'm happy. I don't feel lost or confused or angry or disappointed or heart broken or distraught or dissatisfied or sad or bored or sorry or even mellow and contented.. I'm genuinely happy without a hint of underlying somber nonchalance.. So let me explain..
I'm seeing a guy right now who I really like.. no, I REALLY like him. I guess you can say we've been "seeing" each other a little after summer started. I don't know how or why we got where we are, but I guess you could say it's because he was very persistent in his pursuit? Yeah, I guess you could say that... well, at least I'm going to say that anyway.
So far, it's been great. He makes me happy and he doesn't make me feel self-conscious about being such a young mom like most other guys do, and that's always comforting.
I suppose from that vantage point, it looks quite well and dandy...
In September, he's going back to school about 2 hours away from here, the decrepit city of Brampton, to a place that I'm not going to mention because I'm trying to make him as anonymous as possible. Realistically, that's not that far at all. I've made that trip enough times before for other purposes and other people, but clearly this isn't the best situation.
I'll be honest, I don't mind not dating him, or really being with him, as directly as that term may imply, but what's lingering in the back of my mind is just knowing with the highest degree of certainty that something good is going to end and knowing the exact time of it's execution.
I've been groomed for heart-breaking good-byes after all these years and I don't even think it'll be too much of a problem for me to have to see it end. It's just really shitty in my case because it's so hard for me to find a guy who I can trust and respect, like actually respect, and when I find one, and really like him, it's not even like one of those situations where you can say, "Hey, this is great, let's give it a shot and see where it takes us" mainly because I know EXACTLY where it will take us. We're going to have an amazing summer, I know it. He's just an amazing guy and I can honestly say that every moment I've spent with him--so far--has been nothing short of amazing and I don't see that changing. However, it's inevitable that once school starts, we'll both be too busy with our own lives in different places to even consider being with each other. He'll probably be back in the city for long weekends and Christmas, but I suspect by then we won't even have a reason to see each other any more so we just won't see each other. I mean, that sucks, but it's okay. From the things he's told me and from what I've heard, it seems like he wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. And honestly, it's breaking my balls knowing how stupid it would be to make this official, only to see it end in the next two months.
However, it's good knowing that whatever we are now is working for us RIGHT NOW and whether or not it works for us by the end of August when whatever this is comes to an end, I'm just really glad I'm getting to spend an amazing summer with such an awesome guy.

On a side note.. although I know it's stupid of me to get into this headlock--purposefully seeing someone while being fully aware of it's end, knowing nothing more will come of it--I think that regardless where this goes from here, I really needed him these past few weeks. Maybe not him per se, but just everything that he is for me right now; someone who's shown me that I can actually trust him, someone who deserves my respect, and someone who's been very honest with me about his intentions with where we're taking this. I mean, I needed that. After losing my respect for all men and certainly losing my ability to trust any of them, he gave me a reason to trust and respect him and he hasn't shown me any reason other wise. I'm happy. Sure, I care a heck of a lot about him, I like him a lot, and I even want to be with him, but knowing it'll end on what will probably end up being on really good terms is the best part of this.
So yeah, I'm more than content, I'm happy.

Reserving my right to a monogamous fuck.

It's self explanatory.
Basically, I screwed around with three guys in 24 hours sometime early last week.
I didn't think I would post that, but this is a reveal-all, tell-all blog so I'm living up to that statement.
Judge me if you will, that's cool, I accept it. I'm not proud of what I did, and I'm beating myself right the fuck up for it too, but hey, you gotta sacrifice some things, like your dignity, to realize where your head really needs to be.

I have absolute butterflies for this guy, I mean damn, he makes me giddy. I haven't smiled this way just thinking about someone in a LONG TIME. He doesn't deserve a dumb bitch like me, but I'm not down to lose him right now because he may just be my saving grace of the summer. If I could have a guy like him forever and for always, I wouldn't complain, but just having him for two more months will suffice and I'm not down for giving him up just because I dun' goofed.

I don't know how to apologize to him because I haven't told him about what happened and to be honest, I don't think I will. I doubt he even reads this blog because I've never talked about this with him before and he's never mentioned it. I really hope he doesn't see this anytime soon.. or ever.

Anyway, the whole point of that was getting it off my chest and putting down in writing that I'm not going to go around making out with randoms or having affairs with exes because there's a guy who I like and really care about and I think...just maybe...it might hurt him to ever find out what I did.

So to the guy I like, although you may never read this, I'm really sorry. I do, I really really do care so much about you. I love our friendship way too much to ruin it by philandering the rest of my summer and I didn't mean to do what I did to intentionally cause harm to you. I know it looks like I'm toying with you, but I'm not. You're better than my thoughtless actions gave way and it took me a shoe-less walk down Queen Street to realize that you really care about me the way you say you do.. I'm not gonna risk doing stupid shit anymore and even though we're not dating or even ever planning to date, I know, just by the way you kiss me, that you would be happier knowing I was just yours for the summer. So here she is, the monogamous summer I promised you. I'm sorry; and knowing you'll never read this, I hope that in the subconscious dream world of astral cosmic existences, we'll somehow find each other so you can forgive me and forget about the entirety of it in your wake. I like you, a lot; and hey, I'm pretty crazy about you too.

Unholy Unhell, am I ...in-crush?

NOT a sex post. So please, feel free to stop reading now in case my dealings of emotions don't tickle your fancy.
Anyway, I've been friends with a particular guy for a few years now, we were never really close friends, but he's always been very good to me in the line of respect and friendship.
Since summer's been here for a while, we recently started hooking up, at least about a month ago and that's all it's really been if you take away the friendly conversations we have on the reg. I feel bad for referring to him in the blog as my "boytoy", but realistically, I can't call him anything else while refusing to mention his name. I feel like sexbuddy or fuckbuddy is a little harsh, and technically, so is referring to him as boytoy, but whatever. It is what it is.
Anyway, I guess it's fair to say that because of our friendship, I've always cared a lot about him because even though we never really talked on a regular basis, definitely not as daily as we do now, he's always been there for me and entirely understanding of my situation. OR rather, he's been entirely understanding of my many situations when I randomly decided to vent to him.
I never, however, thought I would really like him more than a friend because he's always been such a good friend to me. Even when we started hooking up, I knew I cared about him significantly, but I never thought I'd harbor any feelings for him that were outside the "friendship" we already had.
I can't admit to having strong feelings because I don't, but I'll be honest, I do like him a lot. I don't think this is going anywhere, given both our situations, and because we've really only been seeing each other to maximize the fun out of our summer as friends, I can't picture us dating. However, I think I'm crushing, and for now I think it's cute because he gives me butterflies.
With that being said, I think I'm done my frivolity. No more random, drunken make-outs with guys AND girls alike. And no more of the other things that my best friends know of... yeah.. even if he chooses to do his own business as a casual philanderer, I'll keep it clean for the rest of the summer until this is over because I respect him a ton.

Ew.

Honestly, in the dealings of exes and the few who graced me with their unfortunate presence, I think there is nothing worse, personally, than knowing that any of my exes are dating or sleeping with girls whom, IMO, are really ugly with less than sub-par intelligence and who have generally bitch-ass personalities.
Why?
Because it makes me feel like I'm just another name on a roster of custy ex-girlfriends. Which makes me feel like dirt.
Please, for fuck's sake, could you at least try hooking up with a good looking girl, OR a smart one, OR a talented one, OR AT LEAST a really nice one? Please, PLEASE!? It really doesn't make any girl feel good knowing that their ex has low standards, but I don't see why you bother when you actually have the potential to get good looking LADIES with a strong character suite and who are intellectually competent. It's mind-boggling really..
Not flattering.
But seriously, am I really as gross as the rest of them?
shit.

Good-bye deprivation!

Of course, it's me, the one who looks like a casual philanderer because I'm the only one who has sexual things to say in this sex & love related blog page on a daily basis. Don't be fooled though! ChelC-3P0 is a philanderer too! >=]
Anyway, the title speaks for itself. Due to some monthly-occurring inconveniences, coupled with my hectic schedule, I obviously couldn't enjoy the company of "the guy" for roughly a week.
But today that dry-spell ended. Not to mention it was, so far, the hottest day of the summer here in Brampton, thus, giving true meaning to "hot & steamy" sex.
Meh, what can I say, this will probably be the first and ONLY time I talk about my "regular" sex in this blog because realistically this is the stuff that shouldn't be interesting to ANYONE.
So to save myself the writing trouble, I think I'll just inform everyone at this point that unless something extraordinary happens in my sex-life/love-life, then it won't be up here anymore. But I just wanted to tack on that I think I kind of, sort of, maybe have a little crush on "the guy"... he's pretty cute :)
TTFN.
czaR2D2

A night like any other night: sexually torn but knowing exactly what I wanted..

Saturday night (last night) was a fairly eventful night for me, to say the least, but I wouldn't say it was eventful in my favor. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but I was frustrated because I was literally torn between who to go home with. At the end of the day, it was a no-brainer, literally.

So, after about 6 months since I saw him last, my baby-daddy came down to Brampton to see our son for father's day weekend. Being a late Saturday, my baby-daddy's best friend and I decided to take him to a local bar after pre-drinking at my house, and so a night of drunken endeavors ensued thenceforth.

Went to Fionn MacCool's, the talent wasn't great, but hey, it was a fun night.
I spotted one of my childhood bestfriends and bought us both shots because it was his birthday last week. He insisted on buying me shots later on and like anyone else would, I took him up on the offer. Two cocktails, three glasses of beer, pornstars and two liquid cocaine shots later, I found myself conversing with a girl who randomly knows I'm in love with greek pasta salad about dancing like a hooker, having a pretty ravishing mack-sesh with the childhood bestfriend that I friend-zoned 7 years ago, then to be kissed by the greek-pasta girl... a couple times...and kind of enjoying it, then trying to establish whether I was cabbing home or cabbing to the boytoy's house after the bar and being absolutely torn between who I ought to go home with--rather, who I ought to sleep with that night..
I ended up taking a cab back to my house with the baby-daddy and his best friend, and after what only now seems to have been an awkward 10 minute cab-ride conversation about how both my baby-daddy and I filmed our sex with our most recent exes and then conversing about something regarding pig roasts before getting out of the cab, I went straight into my house ate some medley of shellfish, and passed out on my bed, sandwiched between my son and my new kitten.
It was remarkably relieving.

I think at the end of the day, living a life like mine, this triple-role lifestyle as a young mom, a business student, and a 20-year-old night-time slut, your priorities start to shine through when you decide to go straight home and into bed so that your son has you to wake up to every single morning. When sobriety hits, you become extremely relieved when you take in the fact that you didn't go to your buddy's house for a night of freaky drunken sex knowing that it would have resulted in a walk of shame up to the front door of your house at 5 AM, hoping you don't make noise because everyone knows you weren't at a bar until 5.
Yeah, I can thoroughly say that I'm glad that has never happened to me before. I'm happy to say that I don't think it ever will simply because even in my drunken state, my number one priority is making sure my son isn't affected by the ten-thousand different personas I need to be just to live my life and really enjoy it.

Former Posts

 June 16th 2012

Bar? What bar? 

So, tonight I went to a bar I've never been to before. I kinda expected it to be filled with old men and drunks, but instead... I found CHILDREN. SO MANY CHILDREN. No word of a lie, I have never seen more people with braces in a single room, the only exception to this being the orthodontist. But really, it was awful. I'm all for getting guys to buy me drinks, but not when it's with their mothers debit card. 

This isn't really about sex or relationships, it's just about how disappointed I was at the turn out. 

Y'all need some facial hair. 

Sincerely, 

ChelC-3P0