Might as well give'er

I haven't written in this for quite some time now and with good reason.
As far as relationships are concerned and my personal dealings of love and the like, I'm really happy.
Yes, I know, you're probably thinking I run through men like a new set of batteries every month. I'm impartial to that claim...
Right now I am seeing someone I haven't mentioned before in this blog specifically. There isn't any reason in particular that I can address to explain this, but the closest excuse I have is that I've been too busy being in this relationship to write about it.
We're not necessarily dating but we're in the motions of dealing and it works. He lives around the corner from me so it's kind of funny the way our relationship is. For the record, our relationship has finicky lines to it. I say that because when I use the term "relationship", I mean to refer to it as a "more than just friends" ship. Lest we get this twisted.
So far, I think it's great. The more I get to know him, the more I like about him. I can comfortably say I'm happy and for once I have nothing to complain about. We're pacing ourselves fairly well through this. He gets along so well with my friends. He's on good terms with my brother which is rare.. very rare. He's a stable guy with a good head on his shoulders and honestly, I'm seeing a guy who isn't a closet nutcase.
I'm just remarkably pleased with the way this is going. We're on the same page with everything and we communicate well. There's no hidden messages.. no hieroglyphics I need to decipher,  no binary codes or cryptic securities I need to crack. Everything that needs to be said is said and communicated crystal clear.
He's cooperative and we just work well. I guess you could say we work like a team and its nice having someone who isn't just there to "make you feel good". It's a lot more than that. It's a really good friendship. The fact that everything we are is actually verbalized and defined makes me realize one vital thing...
I don't feel infatuated with him. I don't have this shroud of illusion mesmerizing me into believing he's the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. I'm not sitting here thinking he's this god of almighty powers and sent from the heavens. I know what he is and what we are and I know how he feels and how I feel and just feel so secure being in this situation because he's not throwing me obstacles that make so little logical sense that I feel like he's intentionally trying to fuck with me. He just is the way he is. No loopholes, no mysteries, no strings attached. That's all there is to it. This is one of the most concrete things I've ever had with a guy simply because usually after a month with a guy, they usually send me into a whirlwind of confusion where I'm literally waiting another 5 months just to figure out what the hell they really want from me and that's absolutely bullshit. Miraculously enough, I don't get that absolute bullshit with this guy and it's a good feeling. To be honest, I like this so much better than being with someone who pretends they're something they're not. I have a major crush on this guy, but hey, he makes an awesome friend, he's kind of the romantic and to be quite fucking honest, I'm happy.

annnd as it turns out.....

So neither chelc-3p0 or myself have written in this particular blog in a while, I'm sure I know why she hasn't, but that's her story, not mine. Anywho, turning the page..
With my son's birthday party coming up and everything else just slowly falling into place, I can truthfully say that my head's where it needs to be right now. No more shenaniganery for the remainder of the summer, and most certainly not once school starts in September.
It's sincerely a-significant-as-hell-lot more fun working on crafts and other neat shit for my son than it is to philander about like a semi-triumphant nymphomaniac anyway. On top of that, I'm personally very happy with the person I'm seeing now and yeah, my head's just in the right place right now. It feels good to be busy... of course it helps when I have the son, the best friends, and the guy to keep me occupied, but I think I like this situation a lot better than the one I was in two weeks ago. It's a lot easier knowing where you are and what you want... as opposed to being lost and confused with short term goals.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to mindlessly vent.. It's not venting, really. I'm not pissed... I just need to get some thoughts off my chest..
As stated before, I'm happy. I don't feel lost or confused or angry or disappointed or heart broken or distraught or dissatisfied or sad or bored or sorry or even mellow and contented.. I'm genuinely happy without a hint of underlying somber nonchalance.. So let me explain..
I'm seeing a guy right now who I really like.. no, I REALLY like him. I guess you can say we've been "seeing" each other a little after summer started. I don't know how or why we got where we are, but I guess you could say it's because he was very persistent in his pursuit? Yeah, I guess you could say that... well, at least I'm going to say that anyway.
So far, it's been great. He makes me happy and he doesn't make me feel self-conscious about being such a young mom like most other guys do, and that's always comforting.
I suppose from that vantage point, it looks quite well and dandy...
In September, he's going back to school about 2 hours away from here, the decrepit city of Brampton, to a place that I'm not going to mention because I'm trying to make him as anonymous as possible. Realistically, that's not that far at all. I've made that trip enough times before for other purposes and other people, but clearly this isn't the best situation.
I'll be honest, I don't mind not dating him, or really being with him, as directly as that term may imply, but what's lingering in the back of my mind is just knowing with the highest degree of certainty that something good is going to end and knowing the exact time of it's execution.
I've been groomed for heart-breaking good-byes after all these years and I don't even think it'll be too much of a problem for me to have to see it end. It's just really shitty in my case because it's so hard for me to find a guy who I can trust and respect, like actually respect, and when I find one, and really like him, it's not even like one of those situations where you can say, "Hey, this is great, let's give it a shot and see where it takes us" mainly because I know EXACTLY where it will take us. We're going to have an amazing summer, I know it. He's just an amazing guy and I can honestly say that every moment I've spent with him--so far--has been nothing short of amazing and I don't see that changing. However, it's inevitable that once school starts, we'll both be too busy with our own lives in different places to even consider being with each other. He'll probably be back in the city for long weekends and Christmas, but I suspect by then we won't even have a reason to see each other any more so we just won't see each other. I mean, that sucks, but it's okay. From the things he's told me and from what I've heard, it seems like he wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. And honestly, it's breaking my balls knowing how stupid it would be to make this official, only to see it end in the next two months.
However, it's good knowing that whatever we are now is working for us RIGHT NOW and whether or not it works for us by the end of August when whatever this is comes to an end, I'm just really glad I'm getting to spend an amazing summer with such an awesome guy.

On a side note.. although I know it's stupid of me to get into this headlock--purposefully seeing someone while being fully aware of it's end, knowing nothing more will come of it--I think that regardless where this goes from here, I really needed him these past few weeks. Maybe not him per se, but just everything that he is for me right now; someone who's shown me that I can actually trust him, someone who deserves my respect, and someone who's been very honest with me about his intentions with where we're taking this. I mean, I needed that. After losing my respect for all men and certainly losing my ability to trust any of them, he gave me a reason to trust and respect him and he hasn't shown me any reason other wise. I'm happy. Sure, I care a heck of a lot about him, I like him a lot, and I even want to be with him, but knowing it'll end on what will probably end up being on really good terms is the best part of this.
So yeah, I'm more than content, I'm happy.

Reserving my right to a monogamous fuck.

It's self explanatory.
Basically, I screwed around with three guys in 24 hours sometime early last week.
I didn't think I would post that, but this is a reveal-all, tell-all blog so I'm living up to that statement.
Judge me if you will, that's cool, I accept it. I'm not proud of what I did, and I'm beating myself right the fuck up for it too, but hey, you gotta sacrifice some things, like your dignity, to realize where your head really needs to be.

I have absolute butterflies for this guy, I mean damn, he makes me giddy. I haven't smiled this way just thinking about someone in a LONG TIME. He doesn't deserve a dumb bitch like me, but I'm not down to lose him right now because he may just be my saving grace of the summer. If I could have a guy like him forever and for always, I wouldn't complain, but just having him for two more months will suffice and I'm not down for giving him up just because I dun' goofed.

I don't know how to apologize to him because I haven't told him about what happened and to be honest, I don't think I will. I doubt he even reads this blog because I've never talked about this with him before and he's never mentioned it. I really hope he doesn't see this anytime soon.. or ever.

Anyway, the whole point of that was getting it off my chest and putting down in writing that I'm not going to go around making out with randoms or having affairs with exes because there's a guy who I like and really care about and I think...just maybe...it might hurt him to ever find out what I did.

So to the guy I like, although you may never read this, I'm really sorry. I do, I really really do care so much about you. I love our friendship way too much to ruin it by philandering the rest of my summer and I didn't mean to do what I did to intentionally cause harm to you. I know it looks like I'm toying with you, but I'm not. You're better than my thoughtless actions gave way and it took me a shoe-less walk down Queen Street to realize that you really care about me the way you say you do.. I'm not gonna risk doing stupid shit anymore and even though we're not dating or even ever planning to date, I know, just by the way you kiss me, that you would be happier knowing I was just yours for the summer. So here she is, the monogamous summer I promised you. I'm sorry; and knowing you'll never read this, I hope that in the subconscious dream world of astral cosmic existences, we'll somehow find each other so you can forgive me and forget about the entirety of it in your wake. I like you, a lot; and hey, I'm pretty crazy about you too.

Unholy Unhell, am I ...in-crush?

NOT a sex post. So please, feel free to stop reading now in case my dealings of emotions don't tickle your fancy.
Anyway, I've been friends with a particular guy for a few years now, we were never really close friends, but he's always been very good to me in the line of respect and friendship.
Since summer's been here for a while, we recently started hooking up, at least about a month ago and that's all it's really been if you take away the friendly conversations we have on the reg. I feel bad for referring to him in the blog as my "boytoy", but realistically, I can't call him anything else while refusing to mention his name. I feel like sexbuddy or fuckbuddy is a little harsh, and technically, so is referring to him as boytoy, but whatever. It is what it is.
Anyway, I guess it's fair to say that because of our friendship, I've always cared a lot about him because even though we never really talked on a regular basis, definitely not as daily as we do now, he's always been there for me and entirely understanding of my situation. OR rather, he's been entirely understanding of my many situations when I randomly decided to vent to him.
I never, however, thought I would really like him more than a friend because he's always been such a good friend to me. Even when we started hooking up, I knew I cared about him significantly, but I never thought I'd harbor any feelings for him that were outside the "friendship" we already had.
I can't admit to having strong feelings because I don't, but I'll be honest, I do like him a lot. I don't think this is going anywhere, given both our situations, and because we've really only been seeing each other to maximize the fun out of our summer as friends, I can't picture us dating. However, I think I'm crushing, and for now I think it's cute because he gives me butterflies.
With that being said, I think I'm done my frivolity. No more random, drunken make-outs with guys AND girls alike. And no more of the other things that my best friends know of... yeah.. even if he chooses to do his own business as a casual philanderer, I'll keep it clean for the rest of the summer until this is over because I respect him a ton.