Thereby, I conclude this affair with a nod and smile.

The last four months have been somewhat of an amazing adventure for me, but now that it's slowly coming to a close and the doors of school and a new semester are opening up, I find myself at a relative calm and it's nice.
Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow for school and I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about it; I'm just okay with it.
I thought I would be super dramatic the way I usually am with these things because I have a knack for getting myself into unnecessary bouts of separation anxiety, but it's just the funniest thing knowing I don't really care because he's not really going anywhere. I mean I care, but I'm not going mentally bananas because it's not really a big deal. He'll be busy with rugby and after seeing his schedule, I know that he won't have much time for me anyway and I'm fine with that. I know I have school and work to deal with, but I also have my son and a lot of other things that will inevitably consume the entirety of this semester. Other than the few weekends that I'll be able to take off, I know that whenever I do get to visit him, it'll probably be that much more amazing anyway because people just tend to appreciate the things in life that don't happen as often as the events that take place in their daily routines. For instance, I know every time I visit Kait in Ottawa, I'll make the best of it every single time and I know every minute spent with all the girls together will be awesome because you can't help but appreciate the time spent together when you go from seeing someone you love every day to as much as once a month.
I guess for him it will be the same because there's just something about him that's different. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what's to become of us. Hints of this and that have been thrown up in the air of what is expected to happen, but there really is no certainty until tomorrow when he leaves because if he's out of Brampton and we're not officially together, then we're not going to be and that's perfectly fine.
I've been raised to be thoughtful and understanding and that really came out the last few days when I realized that when he's away, I'm okay with knowing that there's no reason for him to stop himself from enjoying the indulgences of other women. In my case, no matter how much I love him, life is life and we just roll with the punches. If there's no certainty that he wants me to himself then I probably wouldn't stop myself from being with other people either. I figure that we can both care about each other, but if he would rather be "text-book-definition single" then neither of us are obliged entirely to anyone. However, it is what it is and as long as we're still friends, I know I'll always love him because that's what you do when you care about someone who means this much to you. I'm not going to sit here and say that if he sees other girls while he's away, I'm going to get hurt because I won't. I've already accepted the idea that we're probably not going to be together after he leaves. However, I know that the next time I see him, nothing will change because before me, there were tons of women and there very well may be tons more after me. That doesn't take away the fact that whenever I'm with him he makes me happy and whenever we kiss, all I can do is smile. I would never deny how much he invariably means to me and nothing changes the fact that he is worth fighting to keep. But I know it's only right to let the people you love be happy and to be honest, if he is happier being with other women when he's away for school then sobeit.
There are some people out there who are happy knowing that they have one person in their life who means everything to them. No matter what the distance, they'll give up the indulgences of sex with other people simply because they're happy with the person they're with. But whatever the case, I'm not as much of a selfish bitch as I usually come off to be and even though I love him, I'm willing to let him go.
I'm not going to let myself lose him, that would be stupid. I'm not going to give up on him, that would be cowardice. However, even though I want to be with him, and he knows that; there's nothing worse than being with someone who would rather be with other people; if I ended up being the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants, the thought alone would eat me alive. So, I will let him call the shots because when I love someone, it's always their happiness over mine, and that's what counts.

That awkward moment when you realize you're an emotional prude..

It's funny.. getting a lot of texts after writing an angry blog post asking if I'm okay or telling me that I have bad taste in men or whatever the hell else.

A) I'm great now, significantly better than I was before. But at the time, no, I was not great. I was not okay and there are an insurmountable amount of reasons why I rage via internet, however, it is commonly due to the fact that I can't actually commit mass murders when I'm angry without being arrested and tried; therefore, I channel my weighty rage elsewhere.

B) I am aware that I have bad taste in men. I have AWFUL taste in men. But.. well.. Can I just say that every girl has a boyfriend or a man-partner who probably does the same shit or even worse shit to them than mine has done to me? The only reason why it looks like the taste I have in men in something along the lines of vilely repulsive is because I'm the only person who does not give a shit if my life is on the internet. However, I don't like hanging up my dirty laundry for everyone, so I wanted to just clear up my last post... because... well.. it was partially if not entirely uncalled for.

So obviously I told my mom about what happened because I tell that wench everything.
As embarrassing as it is, she said to me, "Czar, honestly, you think you're perfect? You think that you would never make a mistake like that in a relationship? If you did that to someone you cared about and acted immaturely or irrationally, but after coming to your senses, you knew the fight wasn't worth losing them over and you genuinely apologized, do you seriously believe you wouldn't deserve a second chance? It wasn't an unforgiving incident, it was just a misunderstanding and bad communication on both your parts. He's not perfect, but if he said he was sorry and you feel that he means it, then don't be such a bitch about it because you're not a high and mighty queen who can step on people like that and tell them they don't deserve to be forgiven just because you're angry and conceited and think you own the universe. That's stupid and if you think this fight is worth it, then you're stupid too."

Thank you, mother, for your insightful words.

However, ummm...
Yeaaah.. So I'm not mad at him anymore, obviously. I pretty much stopped being angry after I published the last post about it simply because I genuinely believed it was over and I've learned not to cry over spilled milk. So once I got it out of my system, I just left it alone. On the contrary to my belief that it was over and that he would just drop it too, I unexpectedly received an apology. I haven't received the full explanation because that's not something you can talk about in a message and since we haven't had the time to see each other this week and fully discuss what happened, it remains unexplained, but we're okay now. I think we might actually be doing better than before the fight/fracas/argument/dispute/conflict/quarrel/disturbance, whatever the fuck it was, yeah, I actually feel that for some really fucked up and strange reason, things just ended up getting better.
Call me retarded. Go for it. I am.
Okay so my taste in men still isn't exquisite, I admit. However, I'm a man of my word and I still stand by what I said in the prior post regarding this issue. Everything that happened was actually quite horrible, I still stand by the fact that it WAS his folly, he WAS the one who said we were over, he WAS the one stepping out of line and he WAS the one acting irrationally. However, he acknowledged it. To be fair, I did not bitch at him or argue back. I didn't carry on the fight, nor did I try to point out the reasons why he was in the wrong. However, I did send him a kerfuffle of texts trying to tell him that I respect his decision not to be with me and that if all we wanted to do was pick a fight and throw accusations at me, then I didn't want to hear the millions of reasons why he thinks I'm such a horrible person. I did my best to end on good terms and my exact words were, "Honestly, I respected you and I trusted you and I'm really bummed that we had to end it this way. I don't hold grudges and breaking bridges over something as juvenile as this is simply immature, so if one day you realize that I genuinely never meant to hurt you and you decide that you want to be friends again, come talk to me.
Until then, I do hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and I do wish you good luck when you start at [...] this fall."

Harmless, I think. 

Anyway, he did apologize and he's been good to me since. I know a lot of you reading this will say to yourselves, "well, Czar's fucking stupid because who's to say he won't do it again? and now she's just forgiving him like it was nothing." Or maybe you'll even say, "We;;, Czar, you're stupid because you blew up over nothing and now you're regretting it." actually, no I'm not regretting it, and I did have every reason to blow up. I'm just a forgiving person in the light of reason.
However, not very many people are smart enough to say, "nope, I'm done, I'm not even going to give it a chance to happen again, I'm out, peace."

But the difference is, I didn't fight WITH him, nor did I fight FOR him. I respected his decision when he said we were over and I left it at that. When he said everything in the world that made me angrier than Poseidon when Odysseus blinded Cyclops (which I believe to be the best demonstration of anger in fictional history), I said I was okay with us being over and I wasn't going to argue because it's pointless. Honestly, I didn't ask for us to be over, I didn't want us to be over, but I knew that if he felt the same way he would prove me otherwise. It was his call to leave, at no fault of mine, and if he really meant it, he would have stopped messaging me after I said I was okay with us being over. 
He did apologize, and even after going on his rant about why he was so mad at me, he still had it in him to say he was sorry for it. It's hard for any guy to go against everything he said and apologize for doing what he thought was justifiable and I think that takes balls. So kudos to him.
I'm still waiting for his explanation, not that it matters anymore because the storm has settled, but I still don't know how we even got into that fight or where it all came from and I just want to know why.
Other than that... well..
He's been doing a pretty good job of showing me that I didn't make a mistake when I accepted his apology. I guess that's what matters. No point lingering on the past. I just want to hear the explanation to make sure I did the right thing and I just need to know it won't happen again.