I'm not going to lie, no one really knows what's going on so when I write something of this particular context, you'll all get lost.
I love him, I do and for fuck's sake my heart is breaking. I made a definitive choice not to give up on him, but after believing he left me, I told myself the best and easiest way to get over him was by letting go. It was easier for me to get over him when I thought he stopped caring about me. And you know what, he did a really good job hiding the way he really felt.
I thought I got over him and I thought I'd moved on. I didn't want the memories or the feelings to linger because I learned from past experiences that time waits on no man and the faster I recover, the more efficiently I live my life. However, after the events of last weekend, what can I say...
It all came rushing back. All of it.
I saw his face when I least expected it and it was like being punched in the gut. I could feel my stomach drop and my heart stop. I seriously felt like there was no one else in the world except for him and me. Sure, I was drunk, but I felt it as real as it was and I don't know how I ever got past that feeling and summed up the courage to walk over and say "hi".
I don't know how to describe the pain I felt for him, for both of them. For both the men in my life that had to deal with my stupid choices. Being in the same room with two men that I care so deeply about and knowing I chose one over the other but genuinely, secretly, I wanted them both. It's the worst thing to say and it's the worst feeling in the world. I had to pull my friend aside and onto the patio and tell her.. no.. I screamed at her, I screamed my unprofessed love at her. I was on the verge of tears and all I could say was, "I fucking love him so much, I love him! I don't know what to do, but my heart hurts."
I cannot explain what happened that night in a way that would make sense to any of you, but I cried my eyes out for almost an hour to Stephan as a result of the events that took place after going back to his place and ordering a pizza. From my recollection of what happened last night, it went a little bit like this. After he left for a smoke, I went into his room and checked my phone. I was engrossed with a conversation via text and my heart began to crumble. Stephan called me to the kitchen when the pizza arrived and all I could do was grab a slice, walk back to his room, turn off the lights and shut the door. I couldn't eat. I just sat on the edge of his bed and after placing the pizza on some hard surface in the room, I buried my face into the palm of my hands and felt myself being overwhelmed with regret. I remember Stephan coming into the room, knowing something was wrong, he sat beside me and remained silent, but as soon as I was asked if I was okay, everything came pouring out. The contents of my heart came crashing into the walls of his room like torrential ocean waves and I could feel him drowning in my pain. Despite the fact that he took my hand in his and did his best to comfort me, my God, I knew it was killing him inside knowing how much I still loved someone else. So this weekend, I tried my best to stay positive for him and I tried my best to pretend that I was only being an emotional wreck because I was drunk. I told him I was okay and that I felt a lot better about the whole thing, but he reads me like a book and so I told him I couldn't see him this week, in fear that he'd know I was lying. Deep down inside, despite the steady note in my voice over the phone when I told him I was alright and I felt better, I knew once he saw me he would know I was still hurting. Maybe he'd even be able to read in my eyes that something in me wanted to leave him and go back to the man I gave my heart to this summer. But I couldn't do that and I knew I wouldn't.
The man that I left, but still love is the one who at this moment is making my heart bleed out. I can't stop thinking about him, and in my mind all I can see is his face. The look in his eyes when he saw me with someone else, it was the most painful sight I have ever seen and it's embedded in the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes. I didn't know he still cared about me or even loved me and I didn't know he held on to any of the feelings we had this summer. I thought he gave up on me and left me and I thought he started a new life when I left. I found out I was so wrong, so very very wrong, and now my mind keeps finding its way back to thoughts of him. When I see his name on facebook or in my message inbox in my phone, when I see his picture or even the stupid green dot beside his name when he's online, my heart skips a beat. I die a little inside everytime knowing and feeling how badly I want to be with him and it's tearing me apart.
What's worse is that I don't feel any less for Stephan and if anything I feel more for him. I feel so sorry I'm putting him through this and I feel so sorry for even considering leaving him. He means so much to me and it has nothing to do with our compatibility or how well we get along. We've been talking to each other for almost two months, but for some reason I'm falling for him hard and after everything that's happened I just feel like I'm putting him through more than he needs to deal with, yet he's hanging on and putting up with me anyway. After watching me pour my heart out to him about the way I feel about another man, he still asked me to see him on thanksgiving and still devoted his night to me. He cares so much about me and I'm trying my best not to hurt him, but the irony of it all is that to preserve the condition of his heart, I'm breaking the condition of another and it's killing me to do so.
After breaking someone's heart, someone that I dearly love, I turned to Stephan and I looked him dead in the eye and said "Stephan, can you be honest with me, are you falling for me?"
"I think so."
"No, I'm serious, are you falling for me?"
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"Please don't. I don't want to hurt you."
"I think it's a little bit late for that."
He squeezed me tighter and told me it's okay, everything is going to be okay. Now that it's really hitting me and all of my feelings for both of them are quickly unravelling at my feet, I know it's time for me to shut my eyes and really tell myself what I need.
I care about them both and I'm torn between the two. My heart goes out to both of them, but it's never fair to share your heart with someone who gives you their all. I sat down today and asked myself what I wanted and really truly asked myself what I wanted. I want to be with Stephan, I want what we have to work out and grow and strengthen until or unless either of us finds a reason to stop. When I'm with him, I'm happy and I'm alive, and I don't want that to change. I'm sorry for what I did to the man I gave my heart to this summer, and I'm sorry he had to suffer at my hand. I'm so sorry. My heart is still breaking for the one I loved, and though it is so hard to say this, I know my heart will heal in time because I'm slowly, but surely falling in-love with someone else.
