A few pre-work thoughts..

Sometimes I wonder what should be more important to me:
Being with a guy who will go to the ends of the earth because he has infinite reasons to fight for me
Or
Being with a guy that I would go to the ends of the earth for because I found infinite reasons to fight for him.

Then I realized that the person I ought to have is the one who instantly knows I would fight for him because I know that without a doubt he would fight for me.

And you proved me wrong.

Look, I'm sitting here thinking you were different. Then I found out that you have a nasty way of misinterpreting the situation and instead of asking me what happened you pointed fingers at me and started talking shit. I can tell by the things you're saying that you actually don't know what the fuck you're talking about because I'm genuinely confused with regards to how even half the things you said were at all relevant. So, I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain to you how wrong you fucking are because you showed me the side of you that I didn't want to see. You sent me such wonderful messages trying to break me down or some shit, telling me that I did stuff that I wasn't even aware of doing. Calling me things that I wasn't even aware of being.

You think you know me and you think you have an inkling of an idea as to what I did or why I did anything at all. Really, you're getting your stories from someone else and thinking you're a detective or some analytic genius, you must have thought it would be smart to make your assumptions viable. So, instead of asking me if any of your ill-conceived assumptions were true, you just decided to tell me things that were bloody fucking uncalled for.
Really? Because when I heard shit about you I didn't hesitate to ask you straight up what the deal was. I at least had it in my mind to hear your story first. I didn't drunkenly text you saying irrelevant shit with the definitive confirmation that it was over. But hey, that shows significantly more about my character in contrast to yours and I'm glad I found out now as opposed to waiting it out and finding out later.

There are a thousand and one reasons why I care about you and why I love you. I could list them off and make your heart shatter because you would only be finding out now how much you genuinely meant to me. I won't bother though because you don't deserve the privilege of knowing you meant anything to me at all. I don't take shit from anyone and it only took one text at 3:31AM this morning to make me realize that I would rather let you go than fight for you after listening to your bullshit assumptions of what I'm doing or what I did. I'll miss being with you for a bit, but it sure as hell beats the thought of dealing with the shit you put me through this evening.

I didn't want to ruin our friendship and that's why I came to you asking you for the truth instead of making my own assumptions of what was really going on. I respected you enough to hear it from you instead of believing my secondary resource and I respected you enough to drop the whole thing when I heard what you had to say because I trusted you enough to believe what you told me. However, you took a different route and made assumptions that clearly aren't true nor are they even logically coherent to have been made and you got mad at me assuming they were true.

Well, look at where that puts us now. I'm at the point where I don't really want to speak to you ever again which is why I'm venting in a fucking blog post instead of telling you straight up to begin with.

Luckily for me, you're not the first person to fuck me over and being so used to this feeling makes me very emotionally numb to this right now. I know that once I click "Publish" on this blog post, that'll be that. I'll have it off my chest and I'll feel good again about my daily routine. So yeah, if you want to know why I'm not fighting back or picking up on your pitiful argument or even trying to justify and defend myself when you take cheap shots at me or why I'm not even remotely making the attempt to tell you where you went wrong with your accusations... if you want to know why I'm not fighting to keep you it's because whether or not the fight is worth it, I've gone down this road and I don't have a reason to WANT this anymore.
It turns out you're just another guy who can easily be replaced and I never wanted that. I wanted a guy who could show me he was a one of a kind: a diamond in the rough, I thought that was you. I thought you were different, but you proved me wrong and in a single text, I lost all reasons to believe that you were ever any better than the rest. I'm not sorry. You never asked to hear me out before making accusations and I genuinely don't believe I owe you anything, especially not an apology. 


So goodbye.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.

Queen of corruption capital

Okay so this story is almost a little bit too random not to tell...
Yesterday, I spent most of my day with the family celebrating my little cousin's birthday. I came home tired as shit and then my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy asked me to come out to Fionn's. In all honesty, I was way too tired to go and I didn't want to pay for a cab but after telling my friend that I wanted to go but wasn't entirely down to find the means of getting there and coming back, she told me she'd meet up with me there and then drive me home. So I went.
Anyway, I think I must be the bestestest friend of all time ever, while simultaneously being the worst influence ever because when my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy put it in my mind that my friend ought'a hook up with one of his best friends, I instantly did everything in my will and power to make that happen.
I'm a little bit of a tragedy at best, but I do recall telling my best friend the following: "It's YOUR summer, bitch, I'm not down to be a whore this summer, but there's nothing stopping you from being one!!"
Mind you, I was pretty drunk at this point, sure those words were a little bit aggressive, but I'm pretty sure that my effort led to 50% of the following events that part-took throughout the course of the night and I suppose 40% was due to the guy's charisma while the remaining 10% was due to my friend's willingness to do whatever it was she did on her own..

Anyway, after getting to a friends house and passing out on a futon with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy in the same room with his friend and my friend, I wake up at roughly 5:30AM to a text message from my friend telling me that she left, not even 10 minutes prior, and she dropped off my purse in front of a bush beside my house. Followed by another text saying "Arriving home with my bra and panties in hand, can't get much classier."

Honestly, I slept through whatever the hell happened last night, save for a moment where I woke up to Carly Rae Jepson and started singing it. Other than that.. well, it's her summer, right? I could potentially be such a horrible friend, but realistically, I never left her metaphorical side and I think my judgment played out pretty well last night. I think I should make my rounds setting my friends up with potential hook ups for the rest of the summer because lord knows that's what I've always been good at, considering that I'm terrible at doing it for myself.

I may as well corrupt my friends since I'm done being corrupted. It was nice being with my "not my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy last night. Anyway, I had a good morning, to say the least.

Scrap that last blog post

I'm on the red and slightly hormonal. So after reading that last bit through, I realized it makes me sound super pissed and almost angry.
I'm not. I'm really happy with the present events and I'll say it again, every time I'm with him I feel amazing and comfortable and happy. Just to clarify; there is a reason why he's worth fighting for. I don't know any girl in the world who wouldn't try to hold onto a guy who makes her feel as incredible as he makes me feel. And to be honest, I know he's happy with me. Just knowing he's happy with me is enough to make me smile and it makes me comfortable. I think anyone who can have that effect on a person is worth holding on to, don't you?
"girl, you either fight like hell to keep me or you let me go completely; not a single 'if', 'but', or 'maybe'; you either leave me now or be my lady"

To be honest..........

Sooo, I'm sure many of you have noticed my heightened bitchiness and moodiness this week; well, most of you anyway. I owe it all to mother nature and the regular cycle between the moon and the tides.

Yes, it is that time of the month.

I usually have bad weeks when I'm on the red. I personally believe it's because once I know I'm on it, I immediately emanate negative energies that could power a small city in France. That aside, I didn't want to screw up my week after having such a great weekend with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. So on Sunday, after taking the last pill before the 5-day, unholy shower from hell that occurs once every 28 days, I told myself that I don't give a fuck what mother nature does to me, I'm having a mother fucking greatastic week. So far, I am. Sure, it's only Wednesday, Humpday, but I feel pretty accomplished. I actually am very happy.

Sunday morning took an interesting turn into unexpected events with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy; we sort of talked about what would happen once the summer's over, it didn't go in my favour and was left open-ended, so that's pretty lame, but whatever. After leaving off on a good note, I ended up waking up Monday morning and feeling really good about this week. I spent a bit of my Monday and Tuesday with him; of course, I had to fight the giant smile off my face the whole time that we were together in order to prevent myself from looking like a smiling psychopathic idiot (Bleh, I'm really gonna miss that when he leaves). Anyway, on Monday, after spending time with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy, I took my son to see my really good friend (who will remain nameless like everyone else I mention in my blog posts except Chelsea and Kaitlyn) and we hung out for a few hours, it was nice. And now today, after what felt like forever, I finally got to spend time with my best friend, Kaitlyn and not to mention that the last two days at work were really good because I'm getting along amazingly with my manager.

I don't know what to say, really, it's just been a good week. I'm feeling pretty confident about the way the summer is playing out and not much has changed since I wrote my last post on the weekend. Generally, I'm just really happy. 

However, keeping it relevant to the blog once again, I guess my friends really care about me or something because a lot of them have been asking me what's going on with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. But 9 times out of 10, I'll just tell them to refer to the blog because it's hard to explain. Even today, after trying to explain the situation to Kaitlyn, I caught myself fidgeting with my fingers and hair (a nervous habit I have when I'm at a loss for words) and while trying to explain it, all I could really say was "I don't know, it's like....I guess it's like....Well.. no, what I'm trying to say is that it's sort of like.. I don't know". 

It's actually really confusing and I absolutely hate the feeling of uncertainty; where you have to second guess yourself because even you have no idea what's going on or where this is going (if anywhere at all). 

But... hmm..

okay, so maybe I should really vent on this... like really vent.. I've been a little bit cautious about what to put up because everyone and anyone can read this if they wanted, but to hell with it. It's not like my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy is going to read this because I don't even think he knows Chelsea and I have this blog to begin with. Anyway, don't bother reading the rest if listening to bitches vent doesn't tickle your fancy because lord knows that's all I'll be doing. I don't know what it is about having to publicly vent, but it channels my thoughts and once it's out, it's out, and the weight's off my shoulders. So here we go, my thought process, in a more or less trashy potty mouth rendition of what's actually being thought of in my head:

I am simultaneously happy and bummy at the same time. For obvious reasons. 

I like a guy, a whole heck of a lot, and to be quite fucking honest, yes, world, yes I do want to be with him. I would very much like to date him because he means quite a fucking lot to me and I really don't want to lose him because he makes me pretty fucking happy. No, I have no idea where this is going and it makes me sad because I'm expecting the end of my summer to involve a very tragic good-bye with no chance of actually being with him. It bloody damn well sucks balls. On Sunday, I made him upset, and he told me that it was okay because when the summer's over I wont have to deal with his "shit" anymore. He told me that when he moves back for school in September, eventually I'll stop caring about him, I'll forget about him and "find a new boy". Boom. Never wanted to hear him say that and sure, it was basically brushed aside and thrown under the rug after that point and now that it's been disregarded, everything has been really good and I'm happy with how things are right now. But at the end of the day, I took those words as his deciding factor; he obviously doesn't see this going anywhere and there's no way he's going to give us a chance after he goes back to school; it's absolutely fucking lame as all hell. 

So yeah, here's the thing, I decided I'm going to fight like hell to keep him. By the looks of it, I'll probably fail and I'm pretty sure he won't be down for a relationship heading into September, but I'd rather face that rejection than giving up the possibility of us actually ever being together if there even exists a chance at all. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes me an idiot, but fuck it, I love a challenge when I see one and I'm taking this one on with gusto. I know for a fact that if I let myself lose him and don't even bother trying, it's going to bother the fuck out of me knowing I didn't do my best to keep him.

I know what you're thinking... Czar, you are an idiot, you daft little witchlet, you are going to contest in this fool-hearted challenge and lose, and get hurt, and then blog about that, and we don't want to hear it because you're an annoying little bitch. Okay, sure, but like I said, if there's a chance at all that this could work, fuck it, I'll fight for it.

Seriously? When have I ever been a quitter? All the tattoos on my body are dedicated to the fact that I'm that one bitch that fought through hell just to get where I am, this is no challenge remotely near the magnitude of what I've faced before, and with that, I'm sure my cold little heart can take a minor punch to the dick next month if this doesn't work out and all my efforts are thrown in the metaphorical toilet. And you know what, I'm absolutely done with thinking that rejection will hurt me. I realized that even if he's just not down for a relationship, we'll still be friends anyway. So IDGAF, if it doesn't work out, fine; despite being an inexpressive, emotionless, cold-hearted bitch, I stand by every word I told him on Sunday; even if we can't be together, he was my friend before we started seeing each other, I cared about him before we started liking each other, and despite the fact that he thinks I'm going to forget about him, I won't; because even if we were never meant to be with each other, I'll always remember that after all the bullshit that happened this year, he was the one guy that showed me it's still possible to respect and trust men again.
I'm crazy about him.

I'm gonna carry on with my good week, carry on with my good summer and hopefully it all works out for the better. Yupp, fuck it, I'm done with this rant.

I thought it would be an eventful night.

Tonight I had plans to go to a good friend's house party, or to Fionn's with the best friend, or to see the guy. However, now it's looking like I'm going absolutely nowhere because last night I slept over at the guy's house  and now my parents want to have "their night"... which is entirely fair, I guess I have no choice but to stay in though. Not that that's a bad thing at all; My son's been in bed since 8, I'm exhausted out of my mind and this just gives me the time I need to think.
So, before setting myself a pot of tea and taking a book with me to have a bubble bath, I decided maybe I'd write a blog post relevant to my thought process as of late.

Inspired by Chelsea's post; it's fair to say that no one knows how much a person can mean to them, even if they were insignificant in their lives before. Relevance? After last night, I realized a few things...
a) shit changes FAST
b) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize whether that person has the ability to make you happy or not
c) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize that you don't want to lose them

So basically I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore about this situation and I'm pretty torn about it because things keep changing and are unexpectedly getting progressively better. It's one of those situations where you gotta say "what goes up, must come down" and I feel like the God that my atheist "not-really-my-boyfriend-but-practically-my-boyfriend" doesn't believe in is punishing me for something horrid that I must have done in the past, let me explain...
Last night, it was really nice being with the guy and of course, I was really happy to spend time with him because I haven't seen him almost all week. It's like every time we're together he finds more and more ways to make me smile, giving me more and more reasons to like him, but then it always hits me once we're not together anymore that he's going away in September and that will be the end of that and it's just suuuuuch a mighty bitch to even think about. I've already come to accept it and I just keep telling myself not to fall for him just to save myself the trouble of dealing with the consequences of whatever is to come of this once the summer is over.
Well, to be honest, it's really hard being with someone you care this much about who you know you're going to lose, indefinitely, but soon. I'm enjoying my summer with all the people involved, but every second spent with him, as stated in my last post, has been amazing. But every time he kisses me goodbye, and he's out of sight, it hits me again that I'm actually going to lose this guy. I'm trying not to get attached, but I must be doing a poor job at that, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it. I keep asking myself why I bother seeing him anymore knowing that we can't actually be together, but I haven't been able to answer that question yet. I mean, maybe it's because I'm trying to get the best out of this as I can because of how happy he makes me, or maybe it's because I'm slightly masochistic and I get off to the self-torture of being in these shitty situations.
Who knows?
What I know for sure is that a month ago, I started liking him; two weeks ago, I learned to respect him; and this week, I trust him.  He's a rarity as far as I'm aware and in my eyes, he's certainly worth fighting for. But even though he's entirely worth the fight, knowing whether I WOULD is different from knowing whether I SHOULD...
A lot has changed in just under two weeks and I'm starting to feel as if things will keep getting better with him until the end of August when he has to move back and then it'll be the shittiest buzz when I have to say bye not only to him but to Chelsea and Kaitlyn as well...
Then I think about what Chelsea wrote in her last post; I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and there must be a reason out there for this strange occurrence.
In the past, I have fought for things that meant much less to me than he does.. like when I was little and I would kick and scream on the floor for hours until my mom apologized for blaming something on me when it was my brothers fault. I mean, I really don't think I could have cared any less for that, but I fought like hell to get it. I'm just torn between the decision to just let myself lose this guy just because that's what's written in the stars or if the whole reason why this is all coming down on me so heavily is because I'm actually supposed to do something about it and apparently about a month and a half is ample time to act on it...
But then again...
My tea is waiting for me and there's a bubble bath calling my name.. I'm dying to delve into the pages of my book and just forget.... To be fair, the last time I fought for a guy, he never put an ounce of effort into fighting for me.. so conclusively... I'll just let my heart rip open for a few days while I wallow in the fact that I'm going to lose another amazing guy.
Bath time.

More or less a rant about life.

This is my first post in this blog... I think... and surprisingly enough it isn't really about sex or dating or anything of that sort. It's just about life. So if you're down for that keep reading, if you're not then I don't know why you clicked this in the first place, the title is pretty self explanitory.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about fate and life and whether or not people have a "path". All that bullshit. For many reasons which I will choose not to talk about right now, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the grass is always greener where it rains, and just because whatever might be happening now is awful, it won't always be like that because life isn't stasis. If it was, there wouldn't be much of a point to life at all, would there? So when things are especially difficult, I choose to believe that it's happening for a reason, and that reason will ultimately help me grow as a person.

I think that the point of life is change. We learn, we adapt, we evolve. In the last 8 years I've realized that more than ever. Just because things seem to have hit absolute rock bottom doesn't mean that you should set up camp and live there. Everything is temporary, nothing is predictable. I used to go crazy thinking about the future and wanting everything to stay the exact way it was, thinking that if anything moved an inch my whole world would come crumbling down. But then I looked at my life in hindsight, and thats exactly what had happened. Everything had changed, but I'd barely even realized it. Once I understood that, I realized that it wasn't a big deal. I was okay, everyone else was okay, and even though things were different.. they were fine.

Sometimes things can be exceptionally harder than one would like them to be, and it is harder to cope during those times. Eventually though, different has become the new normal, the present has become the past, and you have grown considerably.
You should never let change hinder your growth. Embrace all of it, because really there's no other option. Life can feel like complete garbage sometimes, but holding onto the past doesn't do any favours for yourself in the future. The past is a part of you, but it shouldn't define who you are.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Sometimes life is shitty but it's necessary. Dwelling on negativity will never benefit you or anyone else, so there's no point in holding onto it. People will stay, people will go, people will love you, people will hate you. Deal with it, take it as it is, and move forwards.

The best part of life is never knowing what's going to happen next, so why would you want everything to stay the same?

Sorry if this is incoherent and/or stupid. I've only had one coffee and I've been up since 7:30.

ChelC3-P0

annnd as it turns out.....

So neither chelc-3p0 or myself have written in this particular blog in a while, I'm sure I know why she hasn't, but that's her story, not mine. Anywho, turning the page..
With my son's birthday party coming up and everything else just slowly falling into place, I can truthfully say that my head's where it needs to be right now. No more shenaniganery for the remainder of the summer, and most certainly not once school starts in September.
It's sincerely a-significant-as-hell-lot more fun working on crafts and other neat shit for my son than it is to philander about like a semi-triumphant nymphomaniac anyway. On top of that, I'm personally very happy with the person I'm seeing now and yeah, my head's just in the right place right now. It feels good to be busy... of course it helps when I have the son, the best friends, and the guy to keep me occupied, but I think I like this situation a lot better than the one I was in two weeks ago. It's a lot easier knowing where you are and what you want... as opposed to being lost and confused with short term goals.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to mindlessly vent.. It's not venting, really. I'm not pissed... I just need to get some thoughts off my chest..
As stated before, I'm happy. I don't feel lost or confused or angry or disappointed or heart broken or distraught or dissatisfied or sad or bored or sorry or even mellow and contented.. I'm genuinely happy without a hint of underlying somber nonchalance.. So let me explain..
I'm seeing a guy right now who I really like.. no, I REALLY like him. I guess you can say we've been "seeing" each other a little after summer started. I don't know how or why we got where we are, but I guess you could say it's because he was very persistent in his pursuit? Yeah, I guess you could say that... well, at least I'm going to say that anyway.
So far, it's been great. He makes me happy and he doesn't make me feel self-conscious about being such a young mom like most other guys do, and that's always comforting.
I suppose from that vantage point, it looks quite well and dandy...
In September, he's going back to school about 2 hours away from here, the decrepit city of Brampton, to a place that I'm not going to mention because I'm trying to make him as anonymous as possible. Realistically, that's not that far at all. I've made that trip enough times before for other purposes and other people, but clearly this isn't the best situation.
I'll be honest, I don't mind not dating him, or really being with him, as directly as that term may imply, but what's lingering in the back of my mind is just knowing with the highest degree of certainty that something good is going to end and knowing the exact time of it's execution.
I've been groomed for heart-breaking good-byes after all these years and I don't even think it'll be too much of a problem for me to have to see it end. It's just really shitty in my case because it's so hard for me to find a guy who I can trust and respect, like actually respect, and when I find one, and really like him, it's not even like one of those situations where you can say, "Hey, this is great, let's give it a shot and see where it takes us" mainly because I know EXACTLY where it will take us. We're going to have an amazing summer, I know it. He's just an amazing guy and I can honestly say that every moment I've spent with him--so far--has been nothing short of amazing and I don't see that changing. However, it's inevitable that once school starts, we'll both be too busy with our own lives in different places to even consider being with each other. He'll probably be back in the city for long weekends and Christmas, but I suspect by then we won't even have a reason to see each other any more so we just won't see each other. I mean, that sucks, but it's okay. From the things he's told me and from what I've heard, it seems like he wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. And honestly, it's breaking my balls knowing how stupid it would be to make this official, only to see it end in the next two months.
However, it's good knowing that whatever we are now is working for us RIGHT NOW and whether or not it works for us by the end of August when whatever this is comes to an end, I'm just really glad I'm getting to spend an amazing summer with such an awesome guy.

On a side note.. although I know it's stupid of me to get into this headlock--purposefully seeing someone while being fully aware of it's end, knowing nothing more will come of it--I think that regardless where this goes from here, I really needed him these past few weeks. Maybe not him per se, but just everything that he is for me right now; someone who's shown me that I can actually trust him, someone who deserves my respect, and someone who's been very honest with me about his intentions with where we're taking this. I mean, I needed that. After losing my respect for all men and certainly losing my ability to trust any of them, he gave me a reason to trust and respect him and he hasn't shown me any reason other wise. I'm happy. Sure, I care a heck of a lot about him, I like him a lot, and I even want to be with him, but knowing it'll end on what will probably end up being on really good terms is the best part of this.
So yeah, I'm more than content, I'm happy.