Might as well give'er

I haven't written in this for quite some time now and with good reason.
As far as relationships are concerned and my personal dealings of love and the like, I'm really happy.
Yes, I know, you're probably thinking I run through men like a new set of batteries every month. I'm impartial to that claim...
Right now I am seeing someone I haven't mentioned before in this blog specifically. There isn't any reason in particular that I can address to explain this, but the closest excuse I have is that I've been too busy being in this relationship to write about it.
We're not necessarily dating but we're in the motions of dealing and it works. He lives around the corner from me so it's kind of funny the way our relationship is. For the record, our relationship has finicky lines to it. I say that because when I use the term "relationship", I mean to refer to it as a "more than just friends" ship. Lest we get this twisted.
So far, I think it's great. The more I get to know him, the more I like about him. I can comfortably say I'm happy and for once I have nothing to complain about. We're pacing ourselves fairly well through this. He gets along so well with my friends. He's on good terms with my brother which is rare.. very rare. He's a stable guy with a good head on his shoulders and honestly, I'm seeing a guy who isn't a closet nutcase.
I'm just remarkably pleased with the way this is going. We're on the same page with everything and we communicate well. There's no hidden messages.. no hieroglyphics I need to decipher,  no binary codes or cryptic securities I need to crack. Everything that needs to be said is said and communicated crystal clear.
He's cooperative and we just work well. I guess you could say we work like a team and its nice having someone who isn't just there to "make you feel good". It's a lot more than that. It's a really good friendship. The fact that everything we are is actually verbalized and defined makes me realize one vital thing...
I don't feel infatuated with him. I don't have this shroud of illusion mesmerizing me into believing he's the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. I'm not sitting here thinking he's this god of almighty powers and sent from the heavens. I know what he is and what we are and I know how he feels and how I feel and just feel so secure being in this situation because he's not throwing me obstacles that make so little logical sense that I feel like he's intentionally trying to fuck with me. He just is the way he is. No loopholes, no mysteries, no strings attached. That's all there is to it. This is one of the most concrete things I've ever had with a guy simply because usually after a month with a guy, they usually send me into a whirlwind of confusion where I'm literally waiting another 5 months just to figure out what the hell they really want from me and that's absolutely bullshit. Miraculously enough, I don't get that absolute bullshit with this guy and it's a good feeling. To be honest, I like this so much better than being with someone who pretends they're something they're not. I have a major crush on this guy, but hey, he makes an awesome friend, he's kind of the romantic and to be quite fucking honest, I'm happy.

New semester, new boy, pulling heart strings like a wind-up toy

If there exists so simple a thing on this fruitful earth that we are ever so sure of, I’m certain of it to be the lack of it, or rather—the nothingness.

Story Time:
This summer, I was seeing a guy who I met three years ago who ended up being an incredible friend to me. We were never really close until this summer hit and we did have an incredible summer together.

His plans were set out for him and we both knew he was moving come August and the likelihood of us staying together was slim to none.

He told me once that it was easier for me because when he left I would stop caring about him, I would forget about him and I would find a “new boy”.

In some way, he was right.

He was wrong in some aspects because I still care about him, and I didn’t forget him.

Well, you can only imagine the part of his assumptions that ended up being true. It is now September.

At the beginning of August I went to a bar with my girlfriends and met a guy who was very out-going and incredibly easy to talk to. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his conversation and by the end of the night, well…. We call it the end of the night because that’s when the night is over, right?

A few days later, I found his number in my phone—after completely forgetting all recollections of having even taken it down at all—I decided to message him. This in itself is a rarity of many sorts because I never message back the people who give me there numbers whilst in my drunken state, but something told me it would be nice to figure out what he was up to, so I did.

Since then, we’ve been talking dawn ‘til dusk. So between every “good morning” when the sun comes up and every “good night” when our eyes can’t stay open any longer, we managed to find an infinite amount of things to talk about, therein giving us infinitely more reasons to enjoy each other.

So, finally, for the first time after the night at the bar and that morning after, we hung out and spent the entire day together. I don’t know if words can explain how positively good it truly felt to spend my time with someone so genuine and so real. I think the only way I can describe it is the way I usually do: by conveying my thoughts of every feeling and every emotion through a flurry of words that describe only an infinitesimal amount of comparisons to what I really felt..

Well it did feel something like this,

When you see him, and you try to act casual, but your face feels bombarded with the smile that won’t fuck off. When you try to act reserved and civilized, but your arms just pull you forward and somehow your lips are on his. Then in that instant you realize he kissed you first and even if you were reserved, he definitely wasn’t.

When you walk side by side and without giving it a single thought, instinctively your hand has it’s hold within his and somehow he just knows to squeeze yours tighter; as if he knows you need that bit of reassurance because all you’re thinking  of is “am I dreaming, or is this real life?”.

When you’re lying down together and no words need to be said to break the silence because staring into his eyes makes you feel almost as if you’ve known him forever, as if you’ve known everything he’s already said to you and everything he will say to you. But even though you only met him just recently, it’s wanting to know so much more of him and his life that intrigues you and piques at your interest. Suddenly you’re engrossed with curiosity and even his little horror stories seem like a beautifully webbed obstacle in the path of the protagonist-hero from the fairy tale that your life with him is starting to feel like.

When he touches you and every bit of your skin begins to tingle, not because you’re nervous or scared, but because his every touch simply excites you. Suddenly every fibre of your being is overwhelmed with the desire to want him more and more and more and even when you have him as close and as completely as one possibly could, you’re not ready to stop and let go. In fact, more than anything, you will the world to stop for you, just in that instant, because it’s almost the perfect moment for time to stand still because every emotion is at it’s peak. However, even the descent from thence forth is still unrivaled in its simplicity for sheer calm and undoing.

When you close your eyes because hearing the sound of his voice is the only sense you want to feel because without knowing why, you know that even in it’s simplicity, it’s beautiful. For just that second, the smile on his face and the feel of his lips on your lips or his skin on your skin isn’t comparable to the simple peace that succumbs you when the rest of your senses are veiled by the sound of his voice.

When you’re making dinner and he pulls you into him just for the kiss. Maybe it’s a “thank you for making me dinner” kiss, or an “I saw you from across the counter and I couldn’t resist” kiss, or even the “you smiled at me first and I knew you wanted it” kiss, but for whatever reason he has, you know you kiss him back with a “just because” kiss… just because you know he wouldn’t kiss you unless he wanted to.

When you’re working over the stove and you feel him coming closer to you, suddenly his arms wrap around your waist from behind so he can pull you in as he kisses the back of your head and the nape of your neck and says to you, “You’re so beautiful.” But even with the pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other, with the burner heat set on high and the sound of the oil sizzling in front of you, the world stands still for you because it’s letting you know that you have time to smile for such simple little things.

When you’re asleep with his arms wrapped around you, and you wake up to his gentle kisses on yours cheek and neck. You turn around to give him a kiss and whilst half asleep, you say, “you woke me up, Mr. Shea” and all he can say back is, “and?” before continuing to kiss you. You feel yourself smiling in his kisses and notice the sides of his mouth turning upward when he kisses you as well; so even though the lights are out and the sun is down, you begin to imagine his adorable dimples and the innocent shape of his eyes when he smiles at you. Suddenly, you’re both smiling and kissing and laughing because though nothing is funny it’s always appropriate to laugh with the people who make you smile.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s happening a lot quicker than I wanted or even expected it to.  He’s far from perfect, but he’s just so fucking real. I keep finding more and more reasons to believe that he’s different and it’s attractive to say the least.

I don’t know where this is going or where it will take us, but he’s amazing because from the day I met him he’s had more substance in his character than most of the men I’ve had the pleasures and displeasures of meeting. He’s everything he said he was and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt the man he says he is. He’s been so honest with me from day one and even if he’s just another one that comes and goes like all the rest, I already know he’ll be special to me. His dad’s left handed, therefore, it must be true.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.

More or less a rant about life.

This is my first post in this blog... I think... and surprisingly enough it isn't really about sex or dating or anything of that sort. It's just about life. So if you're down for that keep reading, if you're not then I don't know why you clicked this in the first place, the title is pretty self explanitory.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about fate and life and whether or not people have a "path". All that bullshit. For many reasons which I will choose not to talk about right now, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the grass is always greener where it rains, and just because whatever might be happening now is awful, it won't always be like that because life isn't stasis. If it was, there wouldn't be much of a point to life at all, would there? So when things are especially difficult, I choose to believe that it's happening for a reason, and that reason will ultimately help me grow as a person.

I think that the point of life is change. We learn, we adapt, we evolve. In the last 8 years I've realized that more than ever. Just because things seem to have hit absolute rock bottom doesn't mean that you should set up camp and live there. Everything is temporary, nothing is predictable. I used to go crazy thinking about the future and wanting everything to stay the exact way it was, thinking that if anything moved an inch my whole world would come crumbling down. But then I looked at my life in hindsight, and thats exactly what had happened. Everything had changed, but I'd barely even realized it. Once I understood that, I realized that it wasn't a big deal. I was okay, everyone else was okay, and even though things were different.. they were fine.

Sometimes things can be exceptionally harder than one would like them to be, and it is harder to cope during those times. Eventually though, different has become the new normal, the present has become the past, and you have grown considerably.
You should never let change hinder your growth. Embrace all of it, because really there's no other option. Life can feel like complete garbage sometimes, but holding onto the past doesn't do any favours for yourself in the future. The past is a part of you, but it shouldn't define who you are.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Sometimes life is shitty but it's necessary. Dwelling on negativity will never benefit you or anyone else, so there's no point in holding onto it. People will stay, people will go, people will love you, people will hate you. Deal with it, take it as it is, and move forwards.

The best part of life is never knowing what's going to happen next, so why would you want everything to stay the same?

Sorry if this is incoherent and/or stupid. I've only had one coffee and I've been up since 7:30.

ChelC3-P0