Thereby, I conclude this affair with a nod and smile.

The last four months have been somewhat of an amazing adventure for me, but now that it's slowly coming to a close and the doors of school and a new semester are opening up, I find myself at a relative calm and it's nice.
Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow for school and I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about it; I'm just okay with it.
I thought I would be super dramatic the way I usually am with these things because I have a knack for getting myself into unnecessary bouts of separation anxiety, but it's just the funniest thing knowing I don't really care because he's not really going anywhere. I mean I care, but I'm not going mentally bananas because it's not really a big deal. He'll be busy with rugby and after seeing his schedule, I know that he won't have much time for me anyway and I'm fine with that. I know I have school and work to deal with, but I also have my son and a lot of other things that will inevitably consume the entirety of this semester. Other than the few weekends that I'll be able to take off, I know that whenever I do get to visit him, it'll probably be that much more amazing anyway because people just tend to appreciate the things in life that don't happen as often as the events that take place in their daily routines. For instance, I know every time I visit Kait in Ottawa, I'll make the best of it every single time and I know every minute spent with all the girls together will be awesome because you can't help but appreciate the time spent together when you go from seeing someone you love every day to as much as once a month.
I guess for him it will be the same because there's just something about him that's different. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what's to become of us. Hints of this and that have been thrown up in the air of what is expected to happen, but there really is no certainty until tomorrow when he leaves because if he's out of Brampton and we're not officially together, then we're not going to be and that's perfectly fine.
I've been raised to be thoughtful and understanding and that really came out the last few days when I realized that when he's away, I'm okay with knowing that there's no reason for him to stop himself from enjoying the indulgences of other women. In my case, no matter how much I love him, life is life and we just roll with the punches. If there's no certainty that he wants me to himself then I probably wouldn't stop myself from being with other people either. I figure that we can both care about each other, but if he would rather be "text-book-definition single" then neither of us are obliged entirely to anyone. However, it is what it is and as long as we're still friends, I know I'll always love him because that's what you do when you care about someone who means this much to you. I'm not going to sit here and say that if he sees other girls while he's away, I'm going to get hurt because I won't. I've already accepted the idea that we're probably not going to be together after he leaves. However, I know that the next time I see him, nothing will change because before me, there were tons of women and there very well may be tons more after me. That doesn't take away the fact that whenever I'm with him he makes me happy and whenever we kiss, all I can do is smile. I would never deny how much he invariably means to me and nothing changes the fact that he is worth fighting to keep. But I know it's only right to let the people you love be happy and to be honest, if he is happier being with other women when he's away for school then sobeit.
There are some people out there who are happy knowing that they have one person in their life who means everything to them. No matter what the distance, they'll give up the indulgences of sex with other people simply because they're happy with the person they're with. But whatever the case, I'm not as much of a selfish bitch as I usually come off to be and even though I love him, I'm willing to let him go.
I'm not going to let myself lose him, that would be stupid. I'm not going to give up on him, that would be cowardice. However, even though I want to be with him, and he knows that; there's nothing worse than being with someone who would rather be with other people; if I ended up being the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants, the thought alone would eat me alive. So, I will let him call the shots because when I love someone, it's always their happiness over mine, and that's what counts.

That awkward moment when you realize you're an emotional prude..

It's funny.. getting a lot of texts after writing an angry blog post asking if I'm okay or telling me that I have bad taste in men or whatever the hell else.

A) I'm great now, significantly better than I was before. But at the time, no, I was not great. I was not okay and there are an insurmountable amount of reasons why I rage via internet, however, it is commonly due to the fact that I can't actually commit mass murders when I'm angry without being arrested and tried; therefore, I channel my weighty rage elsewhere.

B) I am aware that I have bad taste in men. I have AWFUL taste in men. But.. well.. Can I just say that every girl has a boyfriend or a man-partner who probably does the same shit or even worse shit to them than mine has done to me? The only reason why it looks like the taste I have in men in something along the lines of vilely repulsive is because I'm the only person who does not give a shit if my life is on the internet. However, I don't like hanging up my dirty laundry for everyone, so I wanted to just clear up my last post... because... well.. it was partially if not entirely uncalled for.

So obviously I told my mom about what happened because I tell that wench everything.
As embarrassing as it is, she said to me, "Czar, honestly, you think you're perfect? You think that you would never make a mistake like that in a relationship? If you did that to someone you cared about and acted immaturely or irrationally, but after coming to your senses, you knew the fight wasn't worth losing them over and you genuinely apologized, do you seriously believe you wouldn't deserve a second chance? It wasn't an unforgiving incident, it was just a misunderstanding and bad communication on both your parts. He's not perfect, but if he said he was sorry and you feel that he means it, then don't be such a bitch about it because you're not a high and mighty queen who can step on people like that and tell them they don't deserve to be forgiven just because you're angry and conceited and think you own the universe. That's stupid and if you think this fight is worth it, then you're stupid too."

Thank you, mother, for your insightful words.

However, ummm...
Yeaaah.. So I'm not mad at him anymore, obviously. I pretty much stopped being angry after I published the last post about it simply because I genuinely believed it was over and I've learned not to cry over spilled milk. So once I got it out of my system, I just left it alone. On the contrary to my belief that it was over and that he would just drop it too, I unexpectedly received an apology. I haven't received the full explanation because that's not something you can talk about in a message and since we haven't had the time to see each other this week and fully discuss what happened, it remains unexplained, but we're okay now. I think we might actually be doing better than before the fight/fracas/argument/dispute/conflict/quarrel/disturbance, whatever the fuck it was, yeah, I actually feel that for some really fucked up and strange reason, things just ended up getting better.
Call me retarded. Go for it. I am.
Okay so my taste in men still isn't exquisite, I admit. However, I'm a man of my word and I still stand by what I said in the prior post regarding this issue. Everything that happened was actually quite horrible, I still stand by the fact that it WAS his folly, he WAS the one who said we were over, he WAS the one stepping out of line and he WAS the one acting irrationally. However, he acknowledged it. To be fair, I did not bitch at him or argue back. I didn't carry on the fight, nor did I try to point out the reasons why he was in the wrong. However, I did send him a kerfuffle of texts trying to tell him that I respect his decision not to be with me and that if all we wanted to do was pick a fight and throw accusations at me, then I didn't want to hear the millions of reasons why he thinks I'm such a horrible person. I did my best to end on good terms and my exact words were, "Honestly, I respected you and I trusted you and I'm really bummed that we had to end it this way. I don't hold grudges and breaking bridges over something as juvenile as this is simply immature, so if one day you realize that I genuinely never meant to hurt you and you decide that you want to be friends again, come talk to me.
Until then, I do hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and I do wish you good luck when you start at [...] this fall."

Harmless, I think. 

Anyway, he did apologize and he's been good to me since. I know a lot of you reading this will say to yourselves, "well, Czar's fucking stupid because who's to say he won't do it again? and now she's just forgiving him like it was nothing." Or maybe you'll even say, "We;;, Czar, you're stupid because you blew up over nothing and now you're regretting it." actually, no I'm not regretting it, and I did have every reason to blow up. I'm just a forgiving person in the light of reason.
However, not very many people are smart enough to say, "nope, I'm done, I'm not even going to give it a chance to happen again, I'm out, peace."

But the difference is, I didn't fight WITH him, nor did I fight FOR him. I respected his decision when he said we were over and I left it at that. When he said everything in the world that made me angrier than Poseidon when Odysseus blinded Cyclops (which I believe to be the best demonstration of anger in fictional history), I said I was okay with us being over and I wasn't going to argue because it's pointless. Honestly, I didn't ask for us to be over, I didn't want us to be over, but I knew that if he felt the same way he would prove me otherwise. It was his call to leave, at no fault of mine, and if he really meant it, he would have stopped messaging me after I said I was okay with us being over. 
He did apologize, and even after going on his rant about why he was so mad at me, he still had it in him to say he was sorry for it. It's hard for any guy to go against everything he said and apologize for doing what he thought was justifiable and I think that takes balls. So kudos to him.
I'm still waiting for his explanation, not that it matters anymore because the storm has settled, but I still don't know how we even got into that fight or where it all came from and I just want to know why.
Other than that... well..
He's been doing a pretty good job of showing me that I didn't make a mistake when I accepted his apology. I guess that's what matters. No point lingering on the past. I just want to hear the explanation to make sure I did the right thing and I just need to know it won't happen again. 

A few pre-work thoughts..

Sometimes I wonder what should be more important to me:
Being with a guy who will go to the ends of the earth because he has infinite reasons to fight for me
Or
Being with a guy that I would go to the ends of the earth for because I found infinite reasons to fight for him.

Then I realized that the person I ought to have is the one who instantly knows I would fight for him because I know that without a doubt he would fight for me.

And you proved me wrong.

Look, I'm sitting here thinking you were different. Then I found out that you have a nasty way of misinterpreting the situation and instead of asking me what happened you pointed fingers at me and started talking shit. I can tell by the things you're saying that you actually don't know what the fuck you're talking about because I'm genuinely confused with regards to how even half the things you said were at all relevant. So, I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain to you how wrong you fucking are because you showed me the side of you that I didn't want to see. You sent me such wonderful messages trying to break me down or some shit, telling me that I did stuff that I wasn't even aware of doing. Calling me things that I wasn't even aware of being.

You think you know me and you think you have an inkling of an idea as to what I did or why I did anything at all. Really, you're getting your stories from someone else and thinking you're a detective or some analytic genius, you must have thought it would be smart to make your assumptions viable. So, instead of asking me if any of your ill-conceived assumptions were true, you just decided to tell me things that were bloody fucking uncalled for.
Really? Because when I heard shit about you I didn't hesitate to ask you straight up what the deal was. I at least had it in my mind to hear your story first. I didn't drunkenly text you saying irrelevant shit with the definitive confirmation that it was over. But hey, that shows significantly more about my character in contrast to yours and I'm glad I found out now as opposed to waiting it out and finding out later.

There are a thousand and one reasons why I care about you and why I love you. I could list them off and make your heart shatter because you would only be finding out now how much you genuinely meant to me. I won't bother though because you don't deserve the privilege of knowing you meant anything to me at all. I don't take shit from anyone and it only took one text at 3:31AM this morning to make me realize that I would rather let you go than fight for you after listening to your bullshit assumptions of what I'm doing or what I did. I'll miss being with you for a bit, but it sure as hell beats the thought of dealing with the shit you put me through this evening.

I didn't want to ruin our friendship and that's why I came to you asking you for the truth instead of making my own assumptions of what was really going on. I respected you enough to hear it from you instead of believing my secondary resource and I respected you enough to drop the whole thing when I heard what you had to say because I trusted you enough to believe what you told me. However, you took a different route and made assumptions that clearly aren't true nor are they even logically coherent to have been made and you got mad at me assuming they were true.

Well, look at where that puts us now. I'm at the point where I don't really want to speak to you ever again which is why I'm venting in a fucking blog post instead of telling you straight up to begin with.

Luckily for me, you're not the first person to fuck me over and being so used to this feeling makes me very emotionally numb to this right now. I know that once I click "Publish" on this blog post, that'll be that. I'll have it off my chest and I'll feel good again about my daily routine. So yeah, if you want to know why I'm not fighting back or picking up on your pitiful argument or even trying to justify and defend myself when you take cheap shots at me or why I'm not even remotely making the attempt to tell you where you went wrong with your accusations... if you want to know why I'm not fighting to keep you it's because whether or not the fight is worth it, I've gone down this road and I don't have a reason to WANT this anymore.
It turns out you're just another guy who can easily be replaced and I never wanted that. I wanted a guy who could show me he was a one of a kind: a diamond in the rough, I thought that was you. I thought you were different, but you proved me wrong and in a single text, I lost all reasons to believe that you were ever any better than the rest. I'm not sorry. You never asked to hear me out before making accusations and I genuinely don't believe I owe you anything, especially not an apology. 


So goodbye.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.

Queen of corruption capital

Okay so this story is almost a little bit too random not to tell...
Yesterday, I spent most of my day with the family celebrating my little cousin's birthday. I came home tired as shit and then my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy asked me to come out to Fionn's. In all honesty, I was way too tired to go and I didn't want to pay for a cab but after telling my friend that I wanted to go but wasn't entirely down to find the means of getting there and coming back, she told me she'd meet up with me there and then drive me home. So I went.
Anyway, I think I must be the bestestest friend of all time ever, while simultaneously being the worst influence ever because when my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy put it in my mind that my friend ought'a hook up with one of his best friends, I instantly did everything in my will and power to make that happen.
I'm a little bit of a tragedy at best, but I do recall telling my best friend the following: "It's YOUR summer, bitch, I'm not down to be a whore this summer, but there's nothing stopping you from being one!!"
Mind you, I was pretty drunk at this point, sure those words were a little bit aggressive, but I'm pretty sure that my effort led to 50% of the following events that part-took throughout the course of the night and I suppose 40% was due to the guy's charisma while the remaining 10% was due to my friend's willingness to do whatever it was she did on her own..

Anyway, after getting to a friends house and passing out on a futon with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy in the same room with his friend and my friend, I wake up at roughly 5:30AM to a text message from my friend telling me that she left, not even 10 minutes prior, and she dropped off my purse in front of a bush beside my house. Followed by another text saying "Arriving home with my bra and panties in hand, can't get much classier."

Honestly, I slept through whatever the hell happened last night, save for a moment where I woke up to Carly Rae Jepson and started singing it. Other than that.. well, it's her summer, right? I could potentially be such a horrible friend, but realistically, I never left her metaphorical side and I think my judgment played out pretty well last night. I think I should make my rounds setting my friends up with potential hook ups for the rest of the summer because lord knows that's what I've always been good at, considering that I'm terrible at doing it for myself.

I may as well corrupt my friends since I'm done being corrupted. It was nice being with my "not my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy last night. Anyway, I had a good morning, to say the least.

Scrap that last blog post

I'm on the red and slightly hormonal. So after reading that last bit through, I realized it makes me sound super pissed and almost angry.
I'm not. I'm really happy with the present events and I'll say it again, every time I'm with him I feel amazing and comfortable and happy. Just to clarify; there is a reason why he's worth fighting for. I don't know any girl in the world who wouldn't try to hold onto a guy who makes her feel as incredible as he makes me feel. And to be honest, I know he's happy with me. Just knowing he's happy with me is enough to make me smile and it makes me comfortable. I think anyone who can have that effect on a person is worth holding on to, don't you?
"girl, you either fight like hell to keep me or you let me go completely; not a single 'if', 'but', or 'maybe'; you either leave me now or be my lady"