Just when I thought things were getting better... Well something alwaysrains on my parade

I really haven't written in this in a long time and I want to say the reason why was because I fucked up major and just didn't know what to write, but the truth is, I had a million and one things to write about everything, I just didn't want to jinx myself from slowly working out the rough edges.

So for those who follow this blog, if you can remember the guy I was seeing this summer, the one I was crazy about, fell madly in love with and was remarkably confused about what the hell would happen when he left; if you can remember the guy that left for school, the guy I tried to put aside after I started seeing someone else, the guy I made the conscious decision to leave because I chose someone I didn't love over the guy I knew I would never stop loving; if you can remember that guy, well, I suppose for argument's sake we can say that my decision turned full circle and somehow he's back in my life.

However, the universe is trying to fuck with me. The universe is REALLY trying to fuck with me. I think it's best that I start with the story of how it ended with Stephan.

After the guy I was seeing this summer left for university in September, he left without confirming whether or not we would continue to see each other or not. I started seeing Stephan because when we started talking, he wanted to work on things with me and I believed everything had ended with the guy I was with this summer. I cannot begin describing how heart broken I was knowing we were over, especially because after everything we went through this summer, he left without saying a proper good-bye. Regardless, I told myself that everything happens for a reason and that the whole heart break was just something I needed to get over and move on from, so I tried.

I was wrong about the whole thing. I had to choose between the two and it only made logical sense to stay with Stephan because he was the person I was already with. It didn't matter that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for the guy I was seeing this summer, it just seemed logical. I thought I was being rational, but I'll be honest, it is impossible to be happy with someone knowing that deep down, your heart is with someone else. So for three more weeks I tried my best to be happy with Stephan, and you know what, I was to some degree. But every time I left his place after spending a good day with him, it wasn't him I was thinking of. It wasn't him I missed. It wasn't him I wanted to be with.

My baby-daddy came down for Halloween, he took me to dinner, bought us drinks and we spent two really awesome days together as the parents we are for my son. We opened up to each other and he was there for me when I told him about everything that had happened. When I told him I didn't know what to do. He said to me, "Honestly, Czar, I don't know what to tell you. You're with Stephan but you love [the name of the guy you were seeing this summer] and you say he loves you back. Take it from someone who knows, if you let this keep going, you'll never be happy with Stephan and you'll miss out completely on being with the guy you SHOULD be with." My baby-daddy doesn't typically give good advice, and when he does, he doesn't typically follow it. But I did take his word for it and a week later, I told Stephan I loved someone else. He told me he was really upset it had to end that way, but at least now he knows where my heart is. And with that, it was over.

I figured I'd just be single and leave it at that. I would rather have no one at all than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

I didn't tell the other guy why Stephan and I really stopped seeing each other and that it was because I was still in love with him because to be honest, I wasn't ready for him to know that. So when he asked, I told him that "I lost interest" in Stephan. Oddly enough, I was given a second chance. So the one I was seeing this summer is now the guy I'm seeing this winter.
No. That's a lie. He's so much more than just the guy I was seeing or am seeing, but I just don't know what we are definitively... I never know what we are definitively and that's the worst part. I guess it's because we're not officially anything except two people who love each other with no rhyme or reason to what we are or what we do. Which is probably why I'm always confused when it comes to him. Despite that though, whenever we're actually together, I know exactly what I am, who I am and where I want to be. So for all intents and purposes, I shall refer to him as "the guy I love" to maintain his anonymity.

So now that you are caught up, here's the thing.
Remember when I was ripping my hair out all summer because I didn't want to lose him when he moved to university? Well he's away at university, probably living the life, I don't know. If he's sleeping with other girls, I don't know. If it matters anymore, I don't even know. I really don't even know anymore. All I can say is that I want him and something is telling me I can't have him because even though he's giving me that chance to work things out; here we have yet another dilemma.

He's moving. Two hours away from the dingy city of Brampton. So not only does he go to school two hours away, but in the summer, he will no longer be a 10 minute drive from home.

When he mentioned it this week, about moving to Brighton in April, I recall him saying "We still haven't talked about what's happening when I move."

Consider the topic immediately diverted because I didn't know HOW to talk about what's happening when he moves.

This is all I have to say about that:
Have you ever wanted something so badly, you almost felt selfish knowing that you'd do whatever the fuck it takes to have it and KEEP it?
I do feel selfish, I would literally do anything and everything to have him and keep him and I don't even care if he moves because I love him. I love his stupid face and I love his stupid voice and I love his stupid laugh and his stupid walk and his stupid kisses and his stupid touch... I just love him and the only thing stupid about it is the fact that I love him so much that I can't let go. I want to let go, I want to because it hurts knowing I love someone who's impossible to be with. He's just impossible to have. For some reason, the universe is fucking with me, and I don't think he will ever be mine and it sucks. It really fucking sucks. And fuck it, you know what, I've always been so generous when I'm in-love; I would give him the world and more if I could. But this time I want to be selfish because I want him. I don't want anyone else, but him.

It hurts, but over time, I've learned to deal.

I'm not going to lie, no one really knows what's going on so when I write something of this particular context, you'll all get lost.

I love him, I do and for fuck's sake my heart is breaking. I made a definitive choice not to give up on him, but after believing he left me, I told myself the best and easiest way to get over him was by letting go. It was easier for me to get over him when I thought he stopped caring about me. And you know what, he did a really good job hiding the way he really felt.

I thought I got over him and I thought I'd moved on. I didn't want the memories or the feelings to linger because I learned from past experiences that time waits on no man and the faster I recover, the more efficiently I live my life. However, after the events of last weekend, what can I say...

It all came rushing back. All of it.

I saw his face when I least expected it and it was like being punched in the gut. I could feel my stomach drop and my heart stop. I seriously felt like there was no one else in the world except for him and me. Sure, I was drunk, but I felt it as real as it was and I don't know how I ever got past that feeling and summed up the courage to walk over and say "hi".

I don't know how to describe the pain I felt for him, for both of them. For both the men in my life that had to deal with my stupid choices. Being in the same room with two men that I care so deeply about and knowing I chose one over the other but genuinely, secretly, I wanted them both. It's the worst thing to say and it's the worst feeling in the world. I had to pull my friend aside and onto the patio and tell her.. no.. I screamed at her, I screamed my unprofessed love at her. I was on the verge of tears and all I could say was, "I fucking love him so much, I love him! I don't know what to do, but my heart hurts."

I cannot explain what happened that night in a way that would make sense to any of you, but I cried my eyes out for almost an hour to Stephan as a result of the events that took place after going back to his place and ordering a pizza. From my recollection of what happened last night, it went a little bit like this. After he left for a smoke, I went into his room and checked my phone. I was engrossed with a conversation via text and my heart began to crumble. Stephan called me to the kitchen when the pizza arrived and all I could do was grab a slice, walk back to his room, turn off the lights and shut the door. I couldn't eat. I just sat on the edge of his bed and after placing the pizza on some hard surface in the room, I buried my face into the palm of my hands and felt myself being overwhelmed with regret. I remember Stephan coming into the room, knowing something was wrong, he sat beside me and remained silent, but as soon as I was asked if I was okay, everything came pouring out. The contents of my heart came crashing into the walls of his room like torrential ocean waves and I could feel him drowning in my pain. Despite the fact that he took my hand in his and did his best to comfort me, my God, I knew it was killing him inside knowing how much I still loved someone else. So this weekend, I tried my best to stay positive for him and I tried my best to pretend that I was only being an emotional wreck because I was drunk. I told him I was okay and that I felt a lot better about the whole thing, but he reads me like a book and so I told him I couldn't see him this week, in fear that he'd know I was lying. Deep down inside, despite the steady note in my voice over the phone when I told him I was alright and I felt better, I knew once he saw me he would know I was still hurting. Maybe he'd even be able to read in my eyes that something in me wanted to leave him and go back to the man I gave my heart to this summer. But I couldn't do that and I knew I wouldn't.

The man that I left, but still love is the one who at this moment is making my heart bleed out. I can't stop thinking about him, and in my mind all I can see is his face. The look in his eyes when he saw me with someone else, it was the most painful sight I have ever seen and it's embedded in the back of my eyelids when I close my eyes. I didn't know he still cared about me or even loved me and I didn't know he held on to any of the feelings we had this summer. I thought he gave up on me and left me and I thought he started a new life when I left. I found out I was so wrong, so very very wrong, and now my mind keeps finding its way back to thoughts of him. When I see his name on facebook or in my message inbox in my phone, when I see his picture or even the stupid green dot beside his name when he's online, my heart skips a beat. I die a little inside everytime knowing and feeling how badly I want to be with him and it's tearing me apart.

What's worse is that I don't feel any less for Stephan and if anything I feel more for him. I feel so sorry I'm putting him through this and I feel so sorry for even considering leaving him. He means so much to me and it has nothing to do with our compatibility or how well we get along. We've been talking to each other for almost two months, but for some reason I'm falling for him hard and after everything that's happened I just feel like I'm putting him through more than he needs to deal with, yet he's hanging on and putting up with me anyway. After watching me pour my heart out to him about the way I feel about another man, he still asked me to see him on thanksgiving and still devoted his night to me. He cares so much about me and I'm trying my best not to hurt him, but the irony of it all is that to preserve the condition of his heart, I'm breaking the condition of another and it's killing me to do so.

After breaking someone's heart, someone that I dearly love, I turned to Stephan and I looked him dead in the eye and said "Stephan, can you be honest with me, are you falling for me?"
"I think so."
"No, I'm serious, are you falling for me?"
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"Please don't. I don't want to hurt you."
"I think it's a little bit late for that."

He squeezed me tighter and told me it's okay, everything is going to be okay. Now that it's really hitting me and all of my feelings for both of them are quickly unravelling at my feet, I know it's time for me to shut my eyes and really tell myself what I need.

I care about them both and I'm torn between the two. My heart goes out to both of them, but it's never fair to share your heart with someone who gives you their all. I sat down today and asked myself what I wanted and really truly asked myself what I wanted. I want to be with Stephan, I want what we have to work out and grow and strengthen until or unless either of us finds a reason to stop. When I'm with him, I'm happy and I'm alive, and I don't want that to change. I'm sorry for what I did to the man I gave my heart to this summer, and I'm sorry he had to suffer at my hand. I'm so sorry. My heart is still breaking for the one I loved, and though it is so hard to say this, I know my heart will heal in time because I'm slowly, but surely falling in-love with someone else.

Why Me

There's usually that moment in a relationship or a mutual understanding between two people when the question arises: "Why me?"

As in why do you like me? Why did you pick me? Why did you choose to be with me? Why am I different from everyone else and why does that draw you to me instead of to them?

You can have anyone you want and be with anyone you want. You're smart, you're pretty and you're good at everything. You're different from other girls, you're just so different. Why me?

I'm just an ordinary guy and there's nothing special about me. You could be with someone so much better, so why do you like me?

New semester, new boy, pulling heart strings like a wind-up toy

If there exists so simple a thing on this fruitful earth that we are ever so sure of, I’m certain of it to be the lack of it, or rather—the nothingness.

Story Time:
This summer, I was seeing a guy who I met three years ago who ended up being an incredible friend to me. We were never really close until this summer hit and we did have an incredible summer together.

His plans were set out for him and we both knew he was moving come August and the likelihood of us staying together was slim to none.

He told me once that it was easier for me because when he left I would stop caring about him, I would forget about him and I would find a “new boy”.

In some way, he was right.

He was wrong in some aspects because I still care about him, and I didn’t forget him.

Well, you can only imagine the part of his assumptions that ended up being true. It is now September.

At the beginning of August I went to a bar with my girlfriends and met a guy who was very out-going and incredibly easy to talk to. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his conversation and by the end of the night, well…. We call it the end of the night because that’s when the night is over, right?

A few days later, I found his number in my phone—after completely forgetting all recollections of having even taken it down at all—I decided to message him. This in itself is a rarity of many sorts because I never message back the people who give me there numbers whilst in my drunken state, but something told me it would be nice to figure out what he was up to, so I did.

Since then, we’ve been talking dawn ‘til dusk. So between every “good morning” when the sun comes up and every “good night” when our eyes can’t stay open any longer, we managed to find an infinite amount of things to talk about, therein giving us infinitely more reasons to enjoy each other.

So, finally, for the first time after the night at the bar and that morning after, we hung out and spent the entire day together. I don’t know if words can explain how positively good it truly felt to spend my time with someone so genuine and so real. I think the only way I can describe it is the way I usually do: by conveying my thoughts of every feeling and every emotion through a flurry of words that describe only an infinitesimal amount of comparisons to what I really felt..

Well it did feel something like this,

When you see him, and you try to act casual, but your face feels bombarded with the smile that won’t fuck off. When you try to act reserved and civilized, but your arms just pull you forward and somehow your lips are on his. Then in that instant you realize he kissed you first and even if you were reserved, he definitely wasn’t.

When you walk side by side and without giving it a single thought, instinctively your hand has it’s hold within his and somehow he just knows to squeeze yours tighter; as if he knows you need that bit of reassurance because all you’re thinking  of is “am I dreaming, or is this real life?”.

When you’re lying down together and no words need to be said to break the silence because staring into his eyes makes you feel almost as if you’ve known him forever, as if you’ve known everything he’s already said to you and everything he will say to you. But even though you only met him just recently, it’s wanting to know so much more of him and his life that intrigues you and piques at your interest. Suddenly you’re engrossed with curiosity and even his little horror stories seem like a beautifully webbed obstacle in the path of the protagonist-hero from the fairy tale that your life with him is starting to feel like.

When he touches you and every bit of your skin begins to tingle, not because you’re nervous or scared, but because his every touch simply excites you. Suddenly every fibre of your being is overwhelmed with the desire to want him more and more and more and even when you have him as close and as completely as one possibly could, you’re not ready to stop and let go. In fact, more than anything, you will the world to stop for you, just in that instant, because it’s almost the perfect moment for time to stand still because every emotion is at it’s peak. However, even the descent from thence forth is still unrivaled in its simplicity for sheer calm and undoing.

When you close your eyes because hearing the sound of his voice is the only sense you want to feel because without knowing why, you know that even in it’s simplicity, it’s beautiful. For just that second, the smile on his face and the feel of his lips on your lips or his skin on your skin isn’t comparable to the simple peace that succumbs you when the rest of your senses are veiled by the sound of his voice.

When you’re making dinner and he pulls you into him just for the kiss. Maybe it’s a “thank you for making me dinner” kiss, or an “I saw you from across the counter and I couldn’t resist” kiss, or even the “you smiled at me first and I knew you wanted it” kiss, but for whatever reason he has, you know you kiss him back with a “just because” kiss… just because you know he wouldn’t kiss you unless he wanted to.

When you’re working over the stove and you feel him coming closer to you, suddenly his arms wrap around your waist from behind so he can pull you in as he kisses the back of your head and the nape of your neck and says to you, “You’re so beautiful.” But even with the pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other, with the burner heat set on high and the sound of the oil sizzling in front of you, the world stands still for you because it’s letting you know that you have time to smile for such simple little things.

When you’re asleep with his arms wrapped around you, and you wake up to his gentle kisses on yours cheek and neck. You turn around to give him a kiss and whilst half asleep, you say, “you woke me up, Mr. Shea” and all he can say back is, “and?” before continuing to kiss you. You feel yourself smiling in his kisses and notice the sides of his mouth turning upward when he kisses you as well; so even though the lights are out and the sun is down, you begin to imagine his adorable dimples and the innocent shape of his eyes when he smiles at you. Suddenly, you’re both smiling and kissing and laughing because though nothing is funny it’s always appropriate to laugh with the people who make you smile.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s happening a lot quicker than I wanted or even expected it to.  He’s far from perfect, but he’s just so fucking real. I keep finding more and more reasons to believe that he’s different and it’s attractive to say the least.

I don’t know where this is going or where it will take us, but he’s amazing because from the day I met him he’s had more substance in his character than most of the men I’ve had the pleasures and displeasures of meeting. He’s everything he said he was and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt the man he says he is. He’s been so honest with me from day one and even if he’s just another one that comes and goes like all the rest, I already know he’ll be special to me. His dad’s left handed, therefore, it must be true.

Thereby, I conclude this affair with a nod and smile.

The last four months have been somewhat of an amazing adventure for me, but now that it's slowly coming to a close and the doors of school and a new semester are opening up, I find myself at a relative calm and it's nice.
Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow for school and I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about it; I'm just okay with it.
I thought I would be super dramatic the way I usually am with these things because I have a knack for getting myself into unnecessary bouts of separation anxiety, but it's just the funniest thing knowing I don't really care because he's not really going anywhere. I mean I care, but I'm not going mentally bananas because it's not really a big deal. He'll be busy with rugby and after seeing his schedule, I know that he won't have much time for me anyway and I'm fine with that. I know I have school and work to deal with, but I also have my son and a lot of other things that will inevitably consume the entirety of this semester. Other than the few weekends that I'll be able to take off, I know that whenever I do get to visit him, it'll probably be that much more amazing anyway because people just tend to appreciate the things in life that don't happen as often as the events that take place in their daily routines. For instance, I know every time I visit Kait in Ottawa, I'll make the best of it every single time and I know every minute spent with all the girls together will be awesome because you can't help but appreciate the time spent together when you go from seeing someone you love every day to as much as once a month.
I guess for him it will be the same because there's just something about him that's different. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what's to become of us. Hints of this and that have been thrown up in the air of what is expected to happen, but there really is no certainty until tomorrow when he leaves because if he's out of Brampton and we're not officially together, then we're not going to be and that's perfectly fine.
I've been raised to be thoughtful and understanding and that really came out the last few days when I realized that when he's away, I'm okay with knowing that there's no reason for him to stop himself from enjoying the indulgences of other women. In my case, no matter how much I love him, life is life and we just roll with the punches. If there's no certainty that he wants me to himself then I probably wouldn't stop myself from being with other people either. I figure that we can both care about each other, but if he would rather be "text-book-definition single" then neither of us are obliged entirely to anyone. However, it is what it is and as long as we're still friends, I know I'll always love him because that's what you do when you care about someone who means this much to you. I'm not going to sit here and say that if he sees other girls while he's away, I'm going to get hurt because I won't. I've already accepted the idea that we're probably not going to be together after he leaves. However, I know that the next time I see him, nothing will change because before me, there were tons of women and there very well may be tons more after me. That doesn't take away the fact that whenever I'm with him he makes me happy and whenever we kiss, all I can do is smile. I would never deny how much he invariably means to me and nothing changes the fact that he is worth fighting to keep. But I know it's only right to let the people you love be happy and to be honest, if he is happier being with other women when he's away for school then sobeit.
There are some people out there who are happy knowing that they have one person in their life who means everything to them. No matter what the distance, they'll give up the indulgences of sex with other people simply because they're happy with the person they're with. But whatever the case, I'm not as much of a selfish bitch as I usually come off to be and even though I love him, I'm willing to let him go.
I'm not going to let myself lose him, that would be stupid. I'm not going to give up on him, that would be cowardice. However, even though I want to be with him, and he knows that; there's nothing worse than being with someone who would rather be with other people; if I ended up being the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants, the thought alone would eat me alive. So, I will let him call the shots because when I love someone, it's always their happiness over mine, and that's what counts.

That awkward moment when you realize you're an emotional prude..

It's funny.. getting a lot of texts after writing an angry blog post asking if I'm okay or telling me that I have bad taste in men or whatever the hell else.

A) I'm great now, significantly better than I was before. But at the time, no, I was not great. I was not okay and there are an insurmountable amount of reasons why I rage via internet, however, it is commonly due to the fact that I can't actually commit mass murders when I'm angry without being arrested and tried; therefore, I channel my weighty rage elsewhere.

B) I am aware that I have bad taste in men. I have AWFUL taste in men. But.. well.. Can I just say that every girl has a boyfriend or a man-partner who probably does the same shit or even worse shit to them than mine has done to me? The only reason why it looks like the taste I have in men in something along the lines of vilely repulsive is because I'm the only person who does not give a shit if my life is on the internet. However, I don't like hanging up my dirty laundry for everyone, so I wanted to just clear up my last post... because... well.. it was partially if not entirely uncalled for.

So obviously I told my mom about what happened because I tell that wench everything.
As embarrassing as it is, she said to me, "Czar, honestly, you think you're perfect? You think that you would never make a mistake like that in a relationship? If you did that to someone you cared about and acted immaturely or irrationally, but after coming to your senses, you knew the fight wasn't worth losing them over and you genuinely apologized, do you seriously believe you wouldn't deserve a second chance? It wasn't an unforgiving incident, it was just a misunderstanding and bad communication on both your parts. He's not perfect, but if he said he was sorry and you feel that he means it, then don't be such a bitch about it because you're not a high and mighty queen who can step on people like that and tell them they don't deserve to be forgiven just because you're angry and conceited and think you own the universe. That's stupid and if you think this fight is worth it, then you're stupid too."

Thank you, mother, for your insightful words.

However, ummm...
Yeaaah.. So I'm not mad at him anymore, obviously. I pretty much stopped being angry after I published the last post about it simply because I genuinely believed it was over and I've learned not to cry over spilled milk. So once I got it out of my system, I just left it alone. On the contrary to my belief that it was over and that he would just drop it too, I unexpectedly received an apology. I haven't received the full explanation because that's not something you can talk about in a message and since we haven't had the time to see each other this week and fully discuss what happened, it remains unexplained, but we're okay now. I think we might actually be doing better than before the fight/fracas/argument/dispute/conflict/quarrel/disturbance, whatever the fuck it was, yeah, I actually feel that for some really fucked up and strange reason, things just ended up getting better.
Call me retarded. Go for it. I am.
Okay so my taste in men still isn't exquisite, I admit. However, I'm a man of my word and I still stand by what I said in the prior post regarding this issue. Everything that happened was actually quite horrible, I still stand by the fact that it WAS his folly, he WAS the one who said we were over, he WAS the one stepping out of line and he WAS the one acting irrationally. However, he acknowledged it. To be fair, I did not bitch at him or argue back. I didn't carry on the fight, nor did I try to point out the reasons why he was in the wrong. However, I did send him a kerfuffle of texts trying to tell him that I respect his decision not to be with me and that if all we wanted to do was pick a fight and throw accusations at me, then I didn't want to hear the millions of reasons why he thinks I'm such a horrible person. I did my best to end on good terms and my exact words were, "Honestly, I respected you and I trusted you and I'm really bummed that we had to end it this way. I don't hold grudges and breaking bridges over something as juvenile as this is simply immature, so if one day you realize that I genuinely never meant to hurt you and you decide that you want to be friends again, come talk to me.
Until then, I do hope you enjoy the rest of your summer and I do wish you good luck when you start at [...] this fall."

Harmless, I think. 

Anyway, he did apologize and he's been good to me since. I know a lot of you reading this will say to yourselves, "well, Czar's fucking stupid because who's to say he won't do it again? and now she's just forgiving him like it was nothing." Or maybe you'll even say, "We;;, Czar, you're stupid because you blew up over nothing and now you're regretting it." actually, no I'm not regretting it, and I did have every reason to blow up. I'm just a forgiving person in the light of reason.
However, not very many people are smart enough to say, "nope, I'm done, I'm not even going to give it a chance to happen again, I'm out, peace."

But the difference is, I didn't fight WITH him, nor did I fight FOR him. I respected his decision when he said we were over and I left it at that. When he said everything in the world that made me angrier than Poseidon when Odysseus blinded Cyclops (which I believe to be the best demonstration of anger in fictional history), I said I was okay with us being over and I wasn't going to argue because it's pointless. Honestly, I didn't ask for us to be over, I didn't want us to be over, but I knew that if he felt the same way he would prove me otherwise. It was his call to leave, at no fault of mine, and if he really meant it, he would have stopped messaging me after I said I was okay with us being over. 
He did apologize, and even after going on his rant about why he was so mad at me, he still had it in him to say he was sorry for it. It's hard for any guy to go against everything he said and apologize for doing what he thought was justifiable and I think that takes balls. So kudos to him.
I'm still waiting for his explanation, not that it matters anymore because the storm has settled, but I still don't know how we even got into that fight or where it all came from and I just want to know why.
Other than that... well..
He's been doing a pretty good job of showing me that I didn't make a mistake when I accepted his apology. I guess that's what matters. No point lingering on the past. I just want to hear the explanation to make sure I did the right thing and I just need to know it won't happen again. 

A few pre-work thoughts..

Sometimes I wonder what should be more important to me:
Being with a guy who will go to the ends of the earth because he has infinite reasons to fight for me
Or
Being with a guy that I would go to the ends of the earth for because I found infinite reasons to fight for him.

Then I realized that the person I ought to have is the one who instantly knows I would fight for him because I know that without a doubt he would fight for me.