The last four months have been somewhat of an amazing adventure for me, but now that it's slowly coming to a close and the doors of school and a new semester are opening up, I find myself at a relative calm and it's nice.
Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow for school and I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about it; I'm just okay with it.
I thought I would be super dramatic the way I usually am with these things because I have a knack for getting myself into unnecessary bouts of separation anxiety, but it's just the funniest thing knowing I don't really care because he's not really going anywhere. I mean I care, but I'm not going mentally bananas because it's not really a big deal. He'll be busy with rugby and after seeing his schedule, I know that he won't have much time for me anyway and I'm fine with that. I know I have school and work to deal with, but I also have my son and a lot of other things that will inevitably consume the entirety of this semester. Other than the few weekends that I'll be able to take off, I know that whenever I do get to visit him, it'll probably be that much more amazing anyway because people just tend to appreciate the things in life that don't happen as often as the events that take place in their daily routines. For instance, I know every time I visit Kait in Ottawa, I'll make the best of it every single time and I know every minute spent with all the girls together will be awesome because you can't help but appreciate the time spent together when you go from seeing someone you love every day to as much as once a month.
I guess for him it will be the same because there's just something about him that's different. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what's to become of us. Hints of this and that have been thrown up in the air of what is expected to happen, but there really is no certainty until tomorrow when he leaves because if he's out of Brampton and we're not officially together, then we're not going to be and that's perfectly fine.
I've been raised to be thoughtful and understanding and that really came out the last few days when I realized that when he's away, I'm okay with knowing that there's no reason for him to stop himself from enjoying the indulgences of other women. In my case, no matter how much I love him, life is life and we just roll with the punches. If there's no certainty that he wants me to himself then I probably wouldn't stop myself from being with other people either. I figure that we can both care about each other, but if he would rather be "text-book-definition single" then neither of us are obliged entirely to anyone. However, it is what it is and as long as we're still friends, I know I'll always love him because that's what you do when you care about someone who means this much to you. I'm not going to sit here and say that if he sees other girls while he's away, I'm going to get hurt because I won't. I've already accepted the idea that we're probably not going to be together after he leaves. However, I know that the next time I see him, nothing will change because before me, there were tons of women and there very well may be tons more after me. That doesn't take away the fact that whenever I'm with him he makes me happy and whenever we kiss, all I can do is smile. I would never deny how much he invariably means to me and nothing changes the fact that he is worth fighting to keep. But I know it's only right to let the people you love be happy and to be honest, if he is happier being with other women when he's away for school then sobeit.
There are some people out there who are happy knowing that they have one person in their life who means everything to them. No matter what the distance, they'll give up the indulgences of sex with other people simply because they're happy with the person they're with. But whatever the case, I'm not as much of a selfish bitch as I usually come off to be and even though I love him, I'm willing to let him go.
I'm not going to let myself lose him, that would be stupid. I'm not going to give up on him, that would be cowardice. However, even though I want to be with him, and he knows that; there's nothing worse than being with someone who would rather be with other people; if I ended up being the only thing stopping him from getting what he wants, the thought alone would eat me alive. So, I will let him call the shots because when I love someone, it's always their happiness over mine, and that's what counts.
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