Just when I thought things were getting better... Well something alwaysrains on my parade

I really haven't written in this in a long time and I want to say the reason why was because I fucked up major and just didn't know what to write, but the truth is, I had a million and one things to write about everything, I just didn't want to jinx myself from slowly working out the rough edges.

So for those who follow this blog, if you can remember the guy I was seeing this summer, the one I was crazy about, fell madly in love with and was remarkably confused about what the hell would happen when he left; if you can remember the guy that left for school, the guy I tried to put aside after I started seeing someone else, the guy I made the conscious decision to leave because I chose someone I didn't love over the guy I knew I would never stop loving; if you can remember that guy, well, I suppose for argument's sake we can say that my decision turned full circle and somehow he's back in my life.

However, the universe is trying to fuck with me. The universe is REALLY trying to fuck with me. I think it's best that I start with the story of how it ended with Stephan.

After the guy I was seeing this summer left for university in September, he left without confirming whether or not we would continue to see each other or not. I started seeing Stephan because when we started talking, he wanted to work on things with me and I believed everything had ended with the guy I was with this summer. I cannot begin describing how heart broken I was knowing we were over, especially because after everything we went through this summer, he left without saying a proper good-bye. Regardless, I told myself that everything happens for a reason and that the whole heart break was just something I needed to get over and move on from, so I tried.

I was wrong about the whole thing. I had to choose between the two and it only made logical sense to stay with Stephan because he was the person I was already with. It didn't matter that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for the guy I was seeing this summer, it just seemed logical. I thought I was being rational, but I'll be honest, it is impossible to be happy with someone knowing that deep down, your heart is with someone else. So for three more weeks I tried my best to be happy with Stephan, and you know what, I was to some degree. But every time I left his place after spending a good day with him, it wasn't him I was thinking of. It wasn't him I missed. It wasn't him I wanted to be with.

My baby-daddy came down for Halloween, he took me to dinner, bought us drinks and we spent two really awesome days together as the parents we are for my son. We opened up to each other and he was there for me when I told him about everything that had happened. When I told him I didn't know what to do. He said to me, "Honestly, Czar, I don't know what to tell you. You're with Stephan but you love [the name of the guy you were seeing this summer] and you say he loves you back. Take it from someone who knows, if you let this keep going, you'll never be happy with Stephan and you'll miss out completely on being with the guy you SHOULD be with." My baby-daddy doesn't typically give good advice, and when he does, he doesn't typically follow it. But I did take his word for it and a week later, I told Stephan I loved someone else. He told me he was really upset it had to end that way, but at least now he knows where my heart is. And with that, it was over.

I figured I'd just be single and leave it at that. I would rather have no one at all than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

I didn't tell the other guy why Stephan and I really stopped seeing each other and that it was because I was still in love with him because to be honest, I wasn't ready for him to know that. So when he asked, I told him that "I lost interest" in Stephan. Oddly enough, I was given a second chance. So the one I was seeing this summer is now the guy I'm seeing this winter.
No. That's a lie. He's so much more than just the guy I was seeing or am seeing, but I just don't know what we are definitively... I never know what we are definitively and that's the worst part. I guess it's because we're not officially anything except two people who love each other with no rhyme or reason to what we are or what we do. Which is probably why I'm always confused when it comes to him. Despite that though, whenever we're actually together, I know exactly what I am, who I am and where I want to be. So for all intents and purposes, I shall refer to him as "the guy I love" to maintain his anonymity.

So now that you are caught up, here's the thing.
Remember when I was ripping my hair out all summer because I didn't want to lose him when he moved to university? Well he's away at university, probably living the life, I don't know. If he's sleeping with other girls, I don't know. If it matters anymore, I don't even know. I really don't even know anymore. All I can say is that I want him and something is telling me I can't have him because even though he's giving me that chance to work things out; here we have yet another dilemma.

He's moving. Two hours away from the dingy city of Brampton. So not only does he go to school two hours away, but in the summer, he will no longer be a 10 minute drive from home.

When he mentioned it this week, about moving to Brighton in April, I recall him saying "We still haven't talked about what's happening when I move."

Consider the topic immediately diverted because I didn't know HOW to talk about what's happening when he moves.

This is all I have to say about that:
Have you ever wanted something so badly, you almost felt selfish knowing that you'd do whatever the fuck it takes to have it and KEEP it?
I do feel selfish, I would literally do anything and everything to have him and keep him and I don't even care if he moves because I love him. I love his stupid face and I love his stupid voice and I love his stupid laugh and his stupid walk and his stupid kisses and his stupid touch... I just love him and the only thing stupid about it is the fact that I love him so much that I can't let go. I want to let go, I want to because it hurts knowing I love someone who's impossible to be with. He's just impossible to have. For some reason, the universe is fucking with me, and I don't think he will ever be mine and it sucks. It really fucking sucks. And fuck it, you know what, I've always been so generous when I'm in-love; I would give him the world and more if I could. But this time I want to be selfish because I want him. I don't want anyone else, but him.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.