cure the dry spell..

I decided to check up on this blog after months of absence and to my surprise, it's still pretty active on a daily basis with a consistent number of views. I suppose that ought to give me some incentive to write more frequently on here, but as of late, I've had very little to write about.
I used to vent on here because I was mostly troubled with my love life and it made more sense to me to vent publicly about someone that was--for the most part--anonymous to all my readers. However, in the seven months that I've been in a steady relationship, I have nothing to vent about. At least not angrily or sorrowfully. And given most of the people who actually read this blog actually know who I'm dating now, I don't think it wise to write about our sex life because as wonderfully exciting as I feel it is, it's one of those topics I'd rather keep to ourselves. Even describing it as "wonderfully exciting" is borderline more detailed than I would typically share about our sex life. *Cue bad imagery... starting....NOW*

However, if there's anything I have learned over the past few years, it's that no one ever gives a fuck about your relationship, but everyone still wants to know most of the juicy details for a fraction of a second's worth of entertainment because for some weird reason, most of us are simply wired to want to know about things we don't actually want to know about. True story.

You know, whether you're out with your boys or your girls you talk about normal stuff like school and work and family and friends and somehow that triggers one gossipy detail about someone's relationship that was heard in passing about them. Then the conversation goes back to some other topic of interest as if their relationship was never discussed and you and all your buddies go back to talking about toiletry brand preferences and the average height between floor to ceilings of levels in industrial buildings.

So, for those curiously looking to indulge into my love life just for the sheer entertainment of reading about someone elses life for a tidbit, or for those who are simply dying to know why Anthony of all people and me are together, I will explain.

You're right to assume that we have little in common. I was never into cars prior to dating him and for those who know him, he's what I like to call a "car junkie" or what he refers to as "gear head". He listens to a lot of rap music and dad rock, meanwhile I'm into virtually everything, but neither rap music or dad rock are personal favourites. And although I do enjoy listening to both genres of music, he hates all my music. I read a lot and he doesn't read at all. I'm very artistic and creative in more ways that take you out of reality than keep you in it, while he is creative in his own way, his ingenuity is very logic-based and for the most part, he does things creatively to enhance things that can be modified for functional and performance purposes. We don't have the same taste in foods and although I do like most of the things he eats, he hates almost everything I eat. Even our taste in telly series and movies are vastly different and the only thing we truly share in cinematic preferences are comedies and man-movies with "car chases, explosions and tits" Meanwhile, I can't stand old-western movies and he seems to love them, and I like a lot of dramas and nerdy fantasy fiction which I have to drag him to watch with me. I'm big on home decor and little details like pattern and colour schemes, from shapes to accents and various finishes and textures. He couldn't give a single crap and again, it doesn't matter what it looks like to the creative eye because aesthetics mean little to him in comparison to function and efficiency.

So why are we together if our likes and hobbies are so dissimilar.
I don't know to be honest with you. It doesn't make much sense to me either. All I know is that when it boils down to what we both value in our lives, the convictions we hold on to and what we stand for as functioning and contributing members of society, we're one in the same. Our principles and ideals with the way things are and should be are on par with each other and our opinions about most things like family and friends and relationships are parallel. Our objectives are the same and the path we prefer to take to get there are the same so I know I'll always have him by my side when I need him. I know that when it comes game time and I need to make an important decision, our minds work so in sync with each other that he will always come out making the same choice as me. It's gotten to the point where even if one day our decisions clattered with each other, I know that we both value each other too much to let a disagreement like that get in the way and we're both open-minded when it comes to making compromise.

If that makes sense to anyone, then there you have it. We don't make sense as a couple if you look at it for all the superficial reasons, but when it comes down to building something strong and something that really matters, we're always on the same page and I can't say I would trade that for anything else in the world.

A light change of pace

So I decided that because most of my actual up-to-date love stories end up on my tumblr, I'll change up the purpose of this blog.
Why not get illegitimate love and relationship advice from the tiny Asian girl with a realm of romance issues and love life dilemmas?  It got me thinking. I'm terrible at following good relationship advice, and I'm even worse at giving it. So I'll give you my relationship advice simply because I think it's a good idea and it will probably be more entertaining than useful at any rate.
Anyway, what are two things I know well? Alcohol and sex.
Kidding.
But for the purpose of this particular blog, I'm going to write a not-so-helpful "what not to do" advisory post.

- I think the number one "what not to do" for any guy or any girl is playing the ex-card.
Anyone who's been in a relationship knows this card. We've all been in this situation, when you're doing something or are in the middle of discussion and somehow you or your partner relates some area of that topic of conversation to an ex. Doing the whole:
"Yeah I dated a guy who did ............."
"Yeah one of my exes used to............"
or the best one yet,
"Why did you do that? That reminds me of this thing my ex used to do, she would......"
I can admit to being an offender of playing the ex-card on multiple occasions. And I'll be honest, after noticing you do it, you'll bite your tongue afterwards and probably wish your bed would eat you alive.
First of all, if you think the other person wants to hear it, they probably don't. Unless they ask you or press you further, don't mention your exes. Ever.
It's bloody annoying to hear.
It's awkward as fuck thereafter.
And if your current partner doesn't want to rip your head off for talking about your multiple exes, then he or she is tolerating you only because you're good in bed.
Truth.
Face it. YOU don't want to hear the person you like or love talk about someone they used to be with. However, don't feel like a criminal if you're guilty of mentioning an ex every once in a while. I mean, an ex is an ex because you spent enough time getting to know them and equally enough time getting to know what you don't like about them so it's no surprise memories would resurface now and again. They were probably an important part of your life at one point, so why wouldn't they leave you with memories that--every once in a while--become relevant to a topic of conversation, I guess in that case, it isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world sometimes, but it's still an unwanted mention of 'Le Ex'. However, to incessantly drag on about this ex and that ex, especially if they're still a part of your life and still keep in touch with you every once in a while, I can guarantee that the relationship you're currently in will end VERY quickly.

- I don't give a fuck if you're drunk or sober or intoxicated in any way; if you are with a group of friends and your boyfriend is among them, DO NOT put him down like he's a piece of shit, for whatever reason. My biggest pet peeve is when I'm hanging out in a group and among us is a couple, and the boyfriend says something or does something, then the girlfriend proceeds to make some obnoxious retort that she probably thinks as being cute with sinister intent and now she looks like an annoying gremlin bitch who treats her boyfriend like shit.
Ladies, it's NOT cute.
When I'm with a guy, I'm usually happy, otherwise, why the fuck would I be with him? Nothing makes me happier than knowing that we can hang out with a group of friends, whether they're my friends or his, and we can get along well with everyone.
On the other hand, there are those girls that will turn to her boyfriend and go. "what the fuck? No, stop talking, idiot."
or "Just shut up, no one wants to listen to that story."
or "You don't know what you're talking about, oh my god, you are so dumb."
Why?
Why do you need to do that? What merit is there in making your boyfriend look like a douche or a dumbass? I mean I don't know too much about what's right or wrong in relationships, but I do know that no one wants to show the world that they treat their boyfriend like shit. And why would you want people to believe that your boyfriend is a piece of shit anyway? I don't get it. I really and truly don't. I looove it when other people can see the best parts of the guy I'm with. It reflects a good image on his character and a good image on my judge of character. If you're NOT embracing his good side when you're out with friends, then what the hell are you doing with him? Case and point.

Might as well give'er

I haven't written in this for quite some time now and with good reason.
As far as relationships are concerned and my personal dealings of love and the like, I'm really happy.
Yes, I know, you're probably thinking I run through men like a new set of batteries every month. I'm impartial to that claim...
Right now I am seeing someone I haven't mentioned before in this blog specifically. There isn't any reason in particular that I can address to explain this, but the closest excuse I have is that I've been too busy being in this relationship to write about it.
We're not necessarily dating but we're in the motions of dealing and it works. He lives around the corner from me so it's kind of funny the way our relationship is. For the record, our relationship has finicky lines to it. I say that because when I use the term "relationship", I mean to refer to it as a "more than just friends" ship. Lest we get this twisted.
So far, I think it's great. The more I get to know him, the more I like about him. I can comfortably say I'm happy and for once I have nothing to complain about. We're pacing ourselves fairly well through this. He gets along so well with my friends. He's on good terms with my brother which is rare.. very rare. He's a stable guy with a good head on his shoulders and honestly, I'm seeing a guy who isn't a closet nutcase.
I'm just remarkably pleased with the way this is going. We're on the same page with everything and we communicate well. There's no hidden messages.. no hieroglyphics I need to decipher,  no binary codes or cryptic securities I need to crack. Everything that needs to be said is said and communicated crystal clear.
He's cooperative and we just work well. I guess you could say we work like a team and its nice having someone who isn't just there to "make you feel good". It's a lot more than that. It's a really good friendship. The fact that everything we are is actually verbalized and defined makes me realize one vital thing...
I don't feel infatuated with him. I don't have this shroud of illusion mesmerizing me into believing he's the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. I'm not sitting here thinking he's this god of almighty powers and sent from the heavens. I know what he is and what we are and I know how he feels and how I feel and just feel so secure being in this situation because he's not throwing me obstacles that make so little logical sense that I feel like he's intentionally trying to fuck with me. He just is the way he is. No loopholes, no mysteries, no strings attached. That's all there is to it. This is one of the most concrete things I've ever had with a guy simply because usually after a month with a guy, they usually send me into a whirlwind of confusion where I'm literally waiting another 5 months just to figure out what the hell they really want from me and that's absolutely bullshit. Miraculously enough, I don't get that absolute bullshit with this guy and it's a good feeling. To be honest, I like this so much better than being with someone who pretends they're something they're not. I have a major crush on this guy, but hey, he makes an awesome friend, he's kind of the romantic and to be quite fucking honest, I'm happy.

Just when I thought things were getting better... Well something alwaysrains on my parade

I really haven't written in this in a long time and I want to say the reason why was because I fucked up major and just didn't know what to write, but the truth is, I had a million and one things to write about everything, I just didn't want to jinx myself from slowly working out the rough edges.

So for those who follow this blog, if you can remember the guy I was seeing this summer, the one I was crazy about, fell madly in love with and was remarkably confused about what the hell would happen when he left; if you can remember the guy that left for school, the guy I tried to put aside after I started seeing someone else, the guy I made the conscious decision to leave because I chose someone I didn't love over the guy I knew I would never stop loving; if you can remember that guy, well, I suppose for argument's sake we can say that my decision turned full circle and somehow he's back in my life.

However, the universe is trying to fuck with me. The universe is REALLY trying to fuck with me. I think it's best that I start with the story of how it ended with Stephan.

After the guy I was seeing this summer left for university in September, he left without confirming whether or not we would continue to see each other or not. I started seeing Stephan because when we started talking, he wanted to work on things with me and I believed everything had ended with the guy I was with this summer. I cannot begin describing how heart broken I was knowing we were over, especially because after everything we went through this summer, he left without saying a proper good-bye. Regardless, I told myself that everything happens for a reason and that the whole heart break was just something I needed to get over and move on from, so I tried.

I was wrong about the whole thing. I had to choose between the two and it only made logical sense to stay with Stephan because he was the person I was already with. It didn't matter that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for the guy I was seeing this summer, it just seemed logical. I thought I was being rational, but I'll be honest, it is impossible to be happy with someone knowing that deep down, your heart is with someone else. So for three more weeks I tried my best to be happy with Stephan, and you know what, I was to some degree. But every time I left his place after spending a good day with him, it wasn't him I was thinking of. It wasn't him I missed. It wasn't him I wanted to be with.

My baby-daddy came down for Halloween, he took me to dinner, bought us drinks and we spent two really awesome days together as the parents we are for my son. We opened up to each other and he was there for me when I told him about everything that had happened. When I told him I didn't know what to do. He said to me, "Honestly, Czar, I don't know what to tell you. You're with Stephan but you love [the name of the guy you were seeing this summer] and you say he loves you back. Take it from someone who knows, if you let this keep going, you'll never be happy with Stephan and you'll miss out completely on being with the guy you SHOULD be with." My baby-daddy doesn't typically give good advice, and when he does, he doesn't typically follow it. But I did take his word for it and a week later, I told Stephan I loved someone else. He told me he was really upset it had to end that way, but at least now he knows where my heart is. And with that, it was over.

I figured I'd just be single and leave it at that. I would rather have no one at all than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

I didn't tell the other guy why Stephan and I really stopped seeing each other and that it was because I was still in love with him because to be honest, I wasn't ready for him to know that. So when he asked, I told him that "I lost interest" in Stephan. Oddly enough, I was given a second chance. So the one I was seeing this summer is now the guy I'm seeing this winter.
No. That's a lie. He's so much more than just the guy I was seeing or am seeing, but I just don't know what we are definitively... I never know what we are definitively and that's the worst part. I guess it's because we're not officially anything except two people who love each other with no rhyme or reason to what we are or what we do. Which is probably why I'm always confused when it comes to him. Despite that though, whenever we're actually together, I know exactly what I am, who I am and where I want to be. So for all intents and purposes, I shall refer to him as "the guy I love" to maintain his anonymity.

So now that you are caught up, here's the thing.
Remember when I was ripping my hair out all summer because I didn't want to lose him when he moved to university? Well he's away at university, probably living the life, I don't know. If he's sleeping with other girls, I don't know. If it matters anymore, I don't even know. I really don't even know anymore. All I can say is that I want him and something is telling me I can't have him because even though he's giving me that chance to work things out; here we have yet another dilemma.

He's moving. Two hours away from the dingy city of Brampton. So not only does he go to school two hours away, but in the summer, he will no longer be a 10 minute drive from home.

When he mentioned it this week, about moving to Brighton in April, I recall him saying "We still haven't talked about what's happening when I move."

Consider the topic immediately diverted because I didn't know HOW to talk about what's happening when he moves.

This is all I have to say about that:
Have you ever wanted something so badly, you almost felt selfish knowing that you'd do whatever the fuck it takes to have it and KEEP it?
I do feel selfish, I would literally do anything and everything to have him and keep him and I don't even care if he moves because I love him. I love his stupid face and I love his stupid voice and I love his stupid laugh and his stupid walk and his stupid kisses and his stupid touch... I just love him and the only thing stupid about it is the fact that I love him so much that I can't let go. I want to let go, I want to because it hurts knowing I love someone who's impossible to be with. He's just impossible to have. For some reason, the universe is fucking with me, and I don't think he will ever be mine and it sucks. It really fucking sucks. And fuck it, you know what, I've always been so generous when I'm in-love; I would give him the world and more if I could. But this time I want to be selfish because I want him. I don't want anyone else, but him.

New semester, new boy, pulling heart strings like a wind-up toy

If there exists so simple a thing on this fruitful earth that we are ever so sure of, I’m certain of it to be the lack of it, or rather—the nothingness.

Story Time:
This summer, I was seeing a guy who I met three years ago who ended up being an incredible friend to me. We were never really close until this summer hit and we did have an incredible summer together.

His plans were set out for him and we both knew he was moving come August and the likelihood of us staying together was slim to none.

He told me once that it was easier for me because when he left I would stop caring about him, I would forget about him and I would find a “new boy”.

In some way, he was right.

He was wrong in some aspects because I still care about him, and I didn’t forget him.

Well, you can only imagine the part of his assumptions that ended up being true. It is now September.

At the beginning of August I went to a bar with my girlfriends and met a guy who was very out-going and incredibly easy to talk to. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his conversation and by the end of the night, well…. We call it the end of the night because that’s when the night is over, right?

A few days later, I found his number in my phone—after completely forgetting all recollections of having even taken it down at all—I decided to message him. This in itself is a rarity of many sorts because I never message back the people who give me there numbers whilst in my drunken state, but something told me it would be nice to figure out what he was up to, so I did.

Since then, we’ve been talking dawn ‘til dusk. So between every “good morning” when the sun comes up and every “good night” when our eyes can’t stay open any longer, we managed to find an infinite amount of things to talk about, therein giving us infinitely more reasons to enjoy each other.

So, finally, for the first time after the night at the bar and that morning after, we hung out and spent the entire day together. I don’t know if words can explain how positively good it truly felt to spend my time with someone so genuine and so real. I think the only way I can describe it is the way I usually do: by conveying my thoughts of every feeling and every emotion through a flurry of words that describe only an infinitesimal amount of comparisons to what I really felt..

Well it did feel something like this,

When you see him, and you try to act casual, but your face feels bombarded with the smile that won’t fuck off. When you try to act reserved and civilized, but your arms just pull you forward and somehow your lips are on his. Then in that instant you realize he kissed you first and even if you were reserved, he definitely wasn’t.

When you walk side by side and without giving it a single thought, instinctively your hand has it’s hold within his and somehow he just knows to squeeze yours tighter; as if he knows you need that bit of reassurance because all you’re thinking  of is “am I dreaming, or is this real life?”.

When you’re lying down together and no words need to be said to break the silence because staring into his eyes makes you feel almost as if you’ve known him forever, as if you’ve known everything he’s already said to you and everything he will say to you. But even though you only met him just recently, it’s wanting to know so much more of him and his life that intrigues you and piques at your interest. Suddenly you’re engrossed with curiosity and even his little horror stories seem like a beautifully webbed obstacle in the path of the protagonist-hero from the fairy tale that your life with him is starting to feel like.

When he touches you and every bit of your skin begins to tingle, not because you’re nervous or scared, but because his every touch simply excites you. Suddenly every fibre of your being is overwhelmed with the desire to want him more and more and more and even when you have him as close and as completely as one possibly could, you’re not ready to stop and let go. In fact, more than anything, you will the world to stop for you, just in that instant, because it’s almost the perfect moment for time to stand still because every emotion is at it’s peak. However, even the descent from thence forth is still unrivaled in its simplicity for sheer calm and undoing.

When you close your eyes because hearing the sound of his voice is the only sense you want to feel because without knowing why, you know that even in it’s simplicity, it’s beautiful. For just that second, the smile on his face and the feel of his lips on your lips or his skin on your skin isn’t comparable to the simple peace that succumbs you when the rest of your senses are veiled by the sound of his voice.

When you’re making dinner and he pulls you into him just for the kiss. Maybe it’s a “thank you for making me dinner” kiss, or an “I saw you from across the counter and I couldn’t resist” kiss, or even the “you smiled at me first and I knew you wanted it” kiss, but for whatever reason he has, you know you kiss him back with a “just because” kiss… just because you know he wouldn’t kiss you unless he wanted to.

When you’re working over the stove and you feel him coming closer to you, suddenly his arms wrap around your waist from behind so he can pull you in as he kisses the back of your head and the nape of your neck and says to you, “You’re so beautiful.” But even with the pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other, with the burner heat set on high and the sound of the oil sizzling in front of you, the world stands still for you because it’s letting you know that you have time to smile for such simple little things.

When you’re asleep with his arms wrapped around you, and you wake up to his gentle kisses on yours cheek and neck. You turn around to give him a kiss and whilst half asleep, you say, “you woke me up, Mr. Shea” and all he can say back is, “and?” before continuing to kiss you. You feel yourself smiling in his kisses and notice the sides of his mouth turning upward when he kisses you as well; so even though the lights are out and the sun is down, you begin to imagine his adorable dimples and the innocent shape of his eyes when he smiles at you. Suddenly, you’re both smiling and kissing and laughing because though nothing is funny it’s always appropriate to laugh with the people who make you smile.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s happening a lot quicker than I wanted or even expected it to.  He’s far from perfect, but he’s just so fucking real. I keep finding more and more reasons to believe that he’s different and it’s attractive to say the least.

I don’t know where this is going or where it will take us, but he’s amazing because from the day I met him he’s had more substance in his character than most of the men I’ve had the pleasures and displeasures of meeting. He’s everything he said he was and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt the man he says he is. He’s been so honest with me from day one and even if he’s just another one that comes and goes like all the rest, I already know he’ll be special to me. His dad’s left handed, therefore, it must be true.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.