Just when I thought things were getting better... Well something alwaysrains on my parade

I really haven't written in this in a long time and I want to say the reason why was because I fucked up major and just didn't know what to write, but the truth is, I had a million and one things to write about everything, I just didn't want to jinx myself from slowly working out the rough edges.

So for those who follow this blog, if you can remember the guy I was seeing this summer, the one I was crazy about, fell madly in love with and was remarkably confused about what the hell would happen when he left; if you can remember the guy that left for school, the guy I tried to put aside after I started seeing someone else, the guy I made the conscious decision to leave because I chose someone I didn't love over the guy I knew I would never stop loving; if you can remember that guy, well, I suppose for argument's sake we can say that my decision turned full circle and somehow he's back in my life.

However, the universe is trying to fuck with me. The universe is REALLY trying to fuck with me. I think it's best that I start with the story of how it ended with Stephan.

After the guy I was seeing this summer left for university in September, he left without confirming whether or not we would continue to see each other or not. I started seeing Stephan because when we started talking, he wanted to work on things with me and I believed everything had ended with the guy I was with this summer. I cannot begin describing how heart broken I was knowing we were over, especially because after everything we went through this summer, he left without saying a proper good-bye. Regardless, I told myself that everything happens for a reason and that the whole heart break was just something I needed to get over and move on from, so I tried.

I was wrong about the whole thing. I had to choose between the two and it only made logical sense to stay with Stephan because he was the person I was already with. It didn't matter that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for the guy I was seeing this summer, it just seemed logical. I thought I was being rational, but I'll be honest, it is impossible to be happy with someone knowing that deep down, your heart is with someone else. So for three more weeks I tried my best to be happy with Stephan, and you know what, I was to some degree. But every time I left his place after spending a good day with him, it wasn't him I was thinking of. It wasn't him I missed. It wasn't him I wanted to be with.

My baby-daddy came down for Halloween, he took me to dinner, bought us drinks and we spent two really awesome days together as the parents we are for my son. We opened up to each other and he was there for me when I told him about everything that had happened. When I told him I didn't know what to do. He said to me, "Honestly, Czar, I don't know what to tell you. You're with Stephan but you love [the name of the guy you were seeing this summer] and you say he loves you back. Take it from someone who knows, if you let this keep going, you'll never be happy with Stephan and you'll miss out completely on being with the guy you SHOULD be with." My baby-daddy doesn't typically give good advice, and when he does, he doesn't typically follow it. But I did take his word for it and a week later, I told Stephan I loved someone else. He told me he was really upset it had to end that way, but at least now he knows where my heart is. And with that, it was over.

I figured I'd just be single and leave it at that. I would rather have no one at all than be with someone I didn't want to be with.

I didn't tell the other guy why Stephan and I really stopped seeing each other and that it was because I was still in love with him because to be honest, I wasn't ready for him to know that. So when he asked, I told him that "I lost interest" in Stephan. Oddly enough, I was given a second chance. So the one I was seeing this summer is now the guy I'm seeing this winter.
No. That's a lie. He's so much more than just the guy I was seeing or am seeing, but I just don't know what we are definitively... I never know what we are definitively and that's the worst part. I guess it's because we're not officially anything except two people who love each other with no rhyme or reason to what we are or what we do. Which is probably why I'm always confused when it comes to him. Despite that though, whenever we're actually together, I know exactly what I am, who I am and where I want to be. So for all intents and purposes, I shall refer to him as "the guy I love" to maintain his anonymity.

So now that you are caught up, here's the thing.
Remember when I was ripping my hair out all summer because I didn't want to lose him when he moved to university? Well he's away at university, probably living the life, I don't know. If he's sleeping with other girls, I don't know. If it matters anymore, I don't even know. I really don't even know anymore. All I can say is that I want him and something is telling me I can't have him because even though he's giving me that chance to work things out; here we have yet another dilemma.

He's moving. Two hours away from the dingy city of Brampton. So not only does he go to school two hours away, but in the summer, he will no longer be a 10 minute drive from home.

When he mentioned it this week, about moving to Brighton in April, I recall him saying "We still haven't talked about what's happening when I move."

Consider the topic immediately diverted because I didn't know HOW to talk about what's happening when he moves.

This is all I have to say about that:
Have you ever wanted something so badly, you almost felt selfish knowing that you'd do whatever the fuck it takes to have it and KEEP it?
I do feel selfish, I would literally do anything and everything to have him and keep him and I don't even care if he moves because I love him. I love his stupid face and I love his stupid voice and I love his stupid laugh and his stupid walk and his stupid kisses and his stupid touch... I just love him and the only thing stupid about it is the fact that I love him so much that I can't let go. I want to let go, I want to because it hurts knowing I love someone who's impossible to be with. He's just impossible to have. For some reason, the universe is fucking with me, and I don't think he will ever be mine and it sucks. It really fucking sucks. And fuck it, you know what, I've always been so generous when I'm in-love; I would give him the world and more if I could. But this time I want to be selfish because I want him. I don't want anyone else, but him.

New semester, new boy, pulling heart strings like a wind-up toy

If there exists so simple a thing on this fruitful earth that we are ever so sure of, I’m certain of it to be the lack of it, or rather—the nothingness.

Story Time:
This summer, I was seeing a guy who I met three years ago who ended up being an incredible friend to me. We were never really close until this summer hit and we did have an incredible summer together.

His plans were set out for him and we both knew he was moving come August and the likelihood of us staying together was slim to none.

He told me once that it was easier for me because when he left I would stop caring about him, I would forget about him and I would find a “new boy”.

In some way, he was right.

He was wrong in some aspects because I still care about him, and I didn’t forget him.

Well, you can only imagine the part of his assumptions that ended up being true. It is now September.

At the beginning of August I went to a bar with my girlfriends and met a guy who was very out-going and incredibly easy to talk to. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his conversation and by the end of the night, well…. We call it the end of the night because that’s when the night is over, right?

A few days later, I found his number in my phone—after completely forgetting all recollections of having even taken it down at all—I decided to message him. This in itself is a rarity of many sorts because I never message back the people who give me there numbers whilst in my drunken state, but something told me it would be nice to figure out what he was up to, so I did.

Since then, we’ve been talking dawn ‘til dusk. So between every “good morning” when the sun comes up and every “good night” when our eyes can’t stay open any longer, we managed to find an infinite amount of things to talk about, therein giving us infinitely more reasons to enjoy each other.

So, finally, for the first time after the night at the bar and that morning after, we hung out and spent the entire day together. I don’t know if words can explain how positively good it truly felt to spend my time with someone so genuine and so real. I think the only way I can describe it is the way I usually do: by conveying my thoughts of every feeling and every emotion through a flurry of words that describe only an infinitesimal amount of comparisons to what I really felt..

Well it did feel something like this,

When you see him, and you try to act casual, but your face feels bombarded with the smile that won’t fuck off. When you try to act reserved and civilized, but your arms just pull you forward and somehow your lips are on his. Then in that instant you realize he kissed you first and even if you were reserved, he definitely wasn’t.

When you walk side by side and without giving it a single thought, instinctively your hand has it’s hold within his and somehow he just knows to squeeze yours tighter; as if he knows you need that bit of reassurance because all you’re thinking  of is “am I dreaming, or is this real life?”.

When you’re lying down together and no words need to be said to break the silence because staring into his eyes makes you feel almost as if you’ve known him forever, as if you’ve known everything he’s already said to you and everything he will say to you. But even though you only met him just recently, it’s wanting to know so much more of him and his life that intrigues you and piques at your interest. Suddenly you’re engrossed with curiosity and even his little horror stories seem like a beautifully webbed obstacle in the path of the protagonist-hero from the fairy tale that your life with him is starting to feel like.

When he touches you and every bit of your skin begins to tingle, not because you’re nervous or scared, but because his every touch simply excites you. Suddenly every fibre of your being is overwhelmed with the desire to want him more and more and more and even when you have him as close and as completely as one possibly could, you’re not ready to stop and let go. In fact, more than anything, you will the world to stop for you, just in that instant, because it’s almost the perfect moment for time to stand still because every emotion is at it’s peak. However, even the descent from thence forth is still unrivaled in its simplicity for sheer calm and undoing.

When you close your eyes because hearing the sound of his voice is the only sense you want to feel because without knowing why, you know that even in it’s simplicity, it’s beautiful. For just that second, the smile on his face and the feel of his lips on your lips or his skin on your skin isn’t comparable to the simple peace that succumbs you when the rest of your senses are veiled by the sound of his voice.

When you’re making dinner and he pulls you into him just for the kiss. Maybe it’s a “thank you for making me dinner” kiss, or an “I saw you from across the counter and I couldn’t resist” kiss, or even the “you smiled at me first and I knew you wanted it” kiss, but for whatever reason he has, you know you kiss him back with a “just because” kiss… just because you know he wouldn’t kiss you unless he wanted to.

When you’re working over the stove and you feel him coming closer to you, suddenly his arms wrap around your waist from behind so he can pull you in as he kisses the back of your head and the nape of your neck and says to you, “You’re so beautiful.” But even with the pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other, with the burner heat set on high and the sound of the oil sizzling in front of you, the world stands still for you because it’s letting you know that you have time to smile for such simple little things.

When you’re asleep with his arms wrapped around you, and you wake up to his gentle kisses on yours cheek and neck. You turn around to give him a kiss and whilst half asleep, you say, “you woke me up, Mr. Shea” and all he can say back is, “and?” before continuing to kiss you. You feel yourself smiling in his kisses and notice the sides of his mouth turning upward when he kisses you as well; so even though the lights are out and the sun is down, you begin to imagine his adorable dimples and the innocent shape of his eyes when he smiles at you. Suddenly, you’re both smiling and kissing and laughing because though nothing is funny it’s always appropriate to laugh with the people who make you smile.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s happening a lot quicker than I wanted or even expected it to.  He’s far from perfect, but he’s just so fucking real. I keep finding more and more reasons to believe that he’s different and it’s attractive to say the least.

I don’t know where this is going or where it will take us, but he’s amazing because from the day I met him he’s had more substance in his character than most of the men I’ve had the pleasures and displeasures of meeting. He’s everything he said he was and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt the man he says he is. He’s been so honest with me from day one and even if he’s just another one that comes and goes like all the rest, I already know he’ll be special to me. His dad’s left handed, therefore, it must be true.

We do terrible things to hide the secret lives we live

More often than not, I force myself to be skeptical and suspicious of other people, and "other people" usually ends up being MOST people because I have very little trust left to offer to society. It's a shame, I know, but positive speculation oft yields disappointing results and I can't stress enough how fed up I am of undue disappointment.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm aware that I deserve a notable degree of bad karma because I acted thoughtlessly this summer, and to those who deserve it most, my respect was unavailable.

***

The worst part about giving your wholesome heart to someone is being in fear that they're only giving you a portion of theirs. It's even worse when the fear becomes a matter of trust and you begin to believe that perhaps they only give you an indefinite portion of their heart because the rest of it is being given to someone else. I have a friend, whom I love dearly, and I remember her telling me that she was in a predicament at the start of her relationship (with the current boyfriend she's been with for almost a year now) that easily could have ended everything on the spot if she reacted differently. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend claimed that she was pregnant and was planning to keep the baby. My friend's boyfriend told her the news and said that he wasn't going to be with his ex-girlfriend, but he was going to support her the whole way through because that was his responsibility. He knew very well that my friend was going to leave him, but he was honest with her and despite the heavily hurtful truth, my friend said to him, "Okay. If that means you still want to be with me, then okay. But, I swear, if I feel even the littlest bit like I'm sharing you with someone else then it's over." 

A few weeks later, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was falsified. Doctors notes and ultrasounds were taken from google images and photoshopped, but when the ex-girlfriend found out that my friend had decided to stick it out, despite the pain of it all, there was a sudden "miscarriage" and the ex-girlfriend left them alone. That was almost a year ago. I saw my friend again this summer when she came to visit after coming back from school in Hamilton and although we kept in touch over skype where I heard this story countless times before, there was something different about her telling me in person when she said, "Czar, honestly, it broke my heart when he told me his ex-girlfriend was keeping the baby. We were only dating for a couple of weeks when it happened so it would have been so easy for me to dump him right then and there, most girls would have. I was scared I would lose him because I knew that if I started to feel uncomfortable and if I started to feel like he wasn't only mine but he was someone else's too, then I wouldn't be able to hold on anymore. But something inside me told me that I wouldn't have to share him, that he was worth it to stay and that I had to hang on to him. So I did. And look at us, I love him, I'm IN love with him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I know this is it, this is love."

Every time she talked about him, every time she mentioned his name, almost a year into their relationship and she was still smiling. 

I have this theory that the first three to four months are the best part of a relationship before the fire slowly starts to die down and eventually you stop feeling it. At that point you get too comfortable and despite the dying spark, the comfort and security is what makes most people stay together. The couple can still love each other, but they stop being IN love with each other; and they just simply weren't meant to be in love anymore. In accordance with my theory, I believe that it's the people who can stay in love after the 4 month mark that end up staying in love for the next countless amount of years to come. But for most couples, after four months, they see enough of a each other to convert the feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone into the feeling of being comfortable and ever-caring for one another instead, but usually it's sufficient for making a relationship last. 

A lot of people may argue that four months isn't nearly enough and that couples can stay together for years before finally realizing they're not in-love anymore. But in my opinion, I think that the feeling of being comfortable, secure, and content with someone can very easily mask the disappearance of being "in love". Those couples stop being in-love, but they have enough reasons to simply love the other person the way you would love and care about your friends. It's only at the point where loving the person stops entirely that they come to the realization that they weren't in-love with them at all.

***

So now that I've told my story and explained my theory, let me explain my situation. There is a single instant in a course of events when you make the decision that something or someone is worth the trouble. Whether the trouble has happened yet or the trouble is yet to come, there's a point in situation where you instantly know that no matter the weather, you'll bear out the storm because you instinctively feel like you need to. It's like being in school and dreading it like hell, you make the decision to either stay, switch programs, switch schools, or drop out entirely, but you do come to the point where you instinctively know whether it's worth it or not. 

Last night, I hung out with Kaitlyn and she stayed over at my house til the wee hours of the night and we talked about the things in life that we usually talk about. One of which was my situation with boys, the irrevocably stupid situation that it is and this was my conclusion:

We're not officially dating right now. That in itself is justifiable grounds for him to go fucking around with other girls and I'm not entitled to say otherwise because neither of us made the declaration that we didn't want each other doing things with other people. If he came up to me today and said, "Czarina, I fucked someone else yesterday." My only genuine response would be, "Okay, do you want to leave me?"

I'll be honest, I'll be dreadfully bloody honest. To this day, I don't know the conditions of our relationship because we're not officially together. I've heard other people refer to me as his "girlfriend" and some people refer to him as my boyfriend. Yet that doesn't constitute the guidelines of what we actually are because as aforementioned, there have been no declaration of conditions to this thing we have. However, I think it's only fair to mention that I know he loves me simply because he told me so, his friends told me so, and he shows me enough for me to believe it. Whether it's true, whether I have the ability to even say it back, the fact remains that love or not, we're not dating and there are no constraints on his willingness to do anything with anyone else. With that, I've made the conscious decision, as I'm instinctively able to do, to stick out a tumult. This is the gist of what I told Kaitlyn and Chelsea (I'm mixing up texts and conversation to come to a definitive point, but essentially points were made to both):

"I love him, I do. I won't tell him because even though he's told me numerous times, I know I'm not ready to tell him yet. We're not really together and if I tell him I love him now then he has the ability to hurt me, and I won't give him that. If he tells me tomorrow that he's been having sex with someone else, then fine, maybe I deserve it as bad karma, so go ahead and do whatever, we're not dating. If he decides that he'd rather have her than me, fine. Either way, I have no choice but to deal with it. What else am I going to do? Tell him to give it back to her? I'm not retarded, I know where I stand. I'm perfectly comfortable with knowing how he feels and that if he was having sex with someone else, he still loves me, but it's okay, we're not together. Depending on the circumstances, maybe I'll leave him. If he gave me reason to believe that she wasn't just a "fuck" but that he actually has feelings for her, then I no longer have a reason to stay. But to my fairest judgment, I know that single people have sex with other single people and that's life, I'm in no position to stop him. Sure, it'll hurt me, but I'm an understanding person and it's only fair that I don't make him feel tied down because it's his summer too, not just mine. Easily, I could be over thinking this and he could be entirely loyal to me even though we're not together. When he said I was the only girl, he could have meant it and stays true to it even now. But then again, he could have found himself a reason not to. Either way, if he decides afterwards that he wants to be with me and really be with me, not just playing this game of "what the fuck are we!?", then I'll make him know that he's mine and if he even thinks of giving himself to someone else, then she can have him entirely because I'm not sharing him."

I've come to the point of an understanding calm. I realized that whatever happens will happen. There is a reason for everything under the sun. If we don't make it past the summer, then I'll know it happened because it was supposed to and I won't fight it because that's the way the universe works. Likewise, if we do make it past the summer, then I'll know I have a reason to fight for it because I've been given an opportunity that I otherwise shouldn't have had. So instead of moping around worrying about what's to come of this confusing thing we have together, I'm going to let this thing take its course. Shit changes all the time and I know I can find happiness in any outcome if I sincerely will it to be so. 

I was told that if he gives me any reason why we shouldn't be together, it's because there's someone better suited for me. If he gives me all the reasons why we should be together, it's because he's the best suited for me right now.

So here's to the summer of shady mistakes and bad decisions; 

And to providence, I say: come what may.

annnd as it turns out.....

So neither chelc-3p0 or myself have written in this particular blog in a while, I'm sure I know why she hasn't, but that's her story, not mine. Anywho, turning the page..
With my son's birthday party coming up and everything else just slowly falling into place, I can truthfully say that my head's where it needs to be right now. No more shenaniganery for the remainder of the summer, and most certainly not once school starts in September.
It's sincerely a-significant-as-hell-lot more fun working on crafts and other neat shit for my son than it is to philander about like a semi-triumphant nymphomaniac anyway. On top of that, I'm personally very happy with the person I'm seeing now and yeah, my head's just in the right place right now. It feels good to be busy... of course it helps when I have the son, the best friends, and the guy to keep me occupied, but I think I like this situation a lot better than the one I was in two weeks ago. It's a lot easier knowing where you are and what you want... as opposed to being lost and confused with short term goals.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to mindlessly vent.. It's not venting, really. I'm not pissed... I just need to get some thoughts off my chest..
As stated before, I'm happy. I don't feel lost or confused or angry or disappointed or heart broken or distraught or dissatisfied or sad or bored or sorry or even mellow and contented.. I'm genuinely happy without a hint of underlying somber nonchalance.. So let me explain..
I'm seeing a guy right now who I really like.. no, I REALLY like him. I guess you can say we've been "seeing" each other a little after summer started. I don't know how or why we got where we are, but I guess you could say it's because he was very persistent in his pursuit? Yeah, I guess you could say that... well, at least I'm going to say that anyway.
So far, it's been great. He makes me happy and he doesn't make me feel self-conscious about being such a young mom like most other guys do, and that's always comforting.
I suppose from that vantage point, it looks quite well and dandy...
In September, he's going back to school about 2 hours away from here, the decrepit city of Brampton, to a place that I'm not going to mention because I'm trying to make him as anonymous as possible. Realistically, that's not that far at all. I've made that trip enough times before for other purposes and other people, but clearly this isn't the best situation.
I'll be honest, I don't mind not dating him, or really being with him, as directly as that term may imply, but what's lingering in the back of my mind is just knowing with the highest degree of certainty that something good is going to end and knowing the exact time of it's execution.
I've been groomed for heart-breaking good-byes after all these years and I don't even think it'll be too much of a problem for me to have to see it end. It's just really shitty in my case because it's so hard for me to find a guy who I can trust and respect, like actually respect, and when I find one, and really like him, it's not even like one of those situations where you can say, "Hey, this is great, let's give it a shot and see where it takes us" mainly because I know EXACTLY where it will take us. We're going to have an amazing summer, I know it. He's just an amazing guy and I can honestly say that every moment I've spent with him--so far--has been nothing short of amazing and I don't see that changing. However, it's inevitable that once school starts, we'll both be too busy with our own lives in different places to even consider being with each other. He'll probably be back in the city for long weekends and Christmas, but I suspect by then we won't even have a reason to see each other any more so we just won't see each other. I mean, that sucks, but it's okay. From the things he's told me and from what I've heard, it seems like he wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him. And honestly, it's breaking my balls knowing how stupid it would be to make this official, only to see it end in the next two months.
However, it's good knowing that whatever we are now is working for us RIGHT NOW and whether or not it works for us by the end of August when whatever this is comes to an end, I'm just really glad I'm getting to spend an amazing summer with such an awesome guy.

On a side note.. although I know it's stupid of me to get into this headlock--purposefully seeing someone while being fully aware of it's end, knowing nothing more will come of it--I think that regardless where this goes from here, I really needed him these past few weeks. Maybe not him per se, but just everything that he is for me right now; someone who's shown me that I can actually trust him, someone who deserves my respect, and someone who's been very honest with me about his intentions with where we're taking this. I mean, I needed that. After losing my respect for all men and certainly losing my ability to trust any of them, he gave me a reason to trust and respect him and he hasn't shown me any reason other wise. I'm happy. Sure, I care a heck of a lot about him, I like him a lot, and I even want to be with him, but knowing it'll end on what will probably end up being on really good terms is the best part of this.
So yeah, I'm more than content, I'm happy.