To be honest..........

Sooo, I'm sure many of you have noticed my heightened bitchiness and moodiness this week; well, most of you anyway. I owe it all to mother nature and the regular cycle between the moon and the tides.

Yes, it is that time of the month.

I usually have bad weeks when I'm on the red. I personally believe it's because once I know I'm on it, I immediately emanate negative energies that could power a small city in France. That aside, I didn't want to screw up my week after having such a great weekend with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. So on Sunday, after taking the last pill before the 5-day, unholy shower from hell that occurs once every 28 days, I told myself that I don't give a fuck what mother nature does to me, I'm having a mother fucking greatastic week. So far, I am. Sure, it's only Wednesday, Humpday, but I feel pretty accomplished. I actually am very happy.

Sunday morning took an interesting turn into unexpected events with my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy; we sort of talked about what would happen once the summer's over, it didn't go in my favour and was left open-ended, so that's pretty lame, but whatever. After leaving off on a good note, I ended up waking up Monday morning and feeling really good about this week. I spent a bit of my Monday and Tuesday with him; of course, I had to fight the giant smile off my face the whole time that we were together in order to prevent myself from looking like a smiling psychopathic idiot (Bleh, I'm really gonna miss that when he leaves). Anyway, on Monday, after spending time with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy, I took my son to see my really good friend (who will remain nameless like everyone else I mention in my blog posts except Chelsea and Kaitlyn) and we hung out for a few hours, it was nice. And now today, after what felt like forever, I finally got to spend time with my best friend, Kaitlyn and not to mention that the last two days at work were really good because I'm getting along amazingly with my manager.

I don't know what to say, really, it's just been a good week. I'm feeling pretty confident about the way the summer is playing out and not much has changed since I wrote my last post on the weekend. Generally, I'm just really happy. 

However, keeping it relevant to the blog once again, I guess my friends really care about me or something because a lot of them have been asking me what's going on with the "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy. But 9 times out of 10, I'll just tell them to refer to the blog because it's hard to explain. Even today, after trying to explain the situation to Kaitlyn, I caught myself fidgeting with my fingers and hair (a nervous habit I have when I'm at a loss for words) and while trying to explain it, all I could really say was "I don't know, it's like....I guess it's like....Well.. no, what I'm trying to say is that it's sort of like.. I don't know". 

It's actually really confusing and I absolutely hate the feeling of uncertainty; where you have to second guess yourself because even you have no idea what's going on or where this is going (if anywhere at all). 

But... hmm..

okay, so maybe I should really vent on this... like really vent.. I've been a little bit cautious about what to put up because everyone and anyone can read this if they wanted, but to hell with it. It's not like my "not really my boyfriend but practically my boyfriend" guy is going to read this because I don't even think he knows Chelsea and I have this blog to begin with. Anyway, don't bother reading the rest if listening to bitches vent doesn't tickle your fancy because lord knows that's all I'll be doing. I don't know what it is about having to publicly vent, but it channels my thoughts and once it's out, it's out, and the weight's off my shoulders. So here we go, my thought process, in a more or less trashy potty mouth rendition of what's actually being thought of in my head:

I am simultaneously happy and bummy at the same time. For obvious reasons. 

I like a guy, a whole heck of a lot, and to be quite fucking honest, yes, world, yes I do want to be with him. I would very much like to date him because he means quite a fucking lot to me and I really don't want to lose him because he makes me pretty fucking happy. No, I have no idea where this is going and it makes me sad because I'm expecting the end of my summer to involve a very tragic good-bye with no chance of actually being with him. It bloody damn well sucks balls. On Sunday, I made him upset, and he told me that it was okay because when the summer's over I wont have to deal with his "shit" anymore. He told me that when he moves back for school in September, eventually I'll stop caring about him, I'll forget about him and "find a new boy". Boom. Never wanted to hear him say that and sure, it was basically brushed aside and thrown under the rug after that point and now that it's been disregarded, everything has been really good and I'm happy with how things are right now. But at the end of the day, I took those words as his deciding factor; he obviously doesn't see this going anywhere and there's no way he's going to give us a chance after he goes back to school; it's absolutely fucking lame as all hell. 

So yeah, here's the thing, I decided I'm going to fight like hell to keep him. By the looks of it, I'll probably fail and I'm pretty sure he won't be down for a relationship heading into September, but I'd rather face that rejection than giving up the possibility of us actually ever being together if there even exists a chance at all. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes me an idiot, but fuck it, I love a challenge when I see one and I'm taking this one on with gusto. I know for a fact that if I let myself lose him and don't even bother trying, it's going to bother the fuck out of me knowing I didn't do my best to keep him.

I know what you're thinking... Czar, you are an idiot, you daft little witchlet, you are going to contest in this fool-hearted challenge and lose, and get hurt, and then blog about that, and we don't want to hear it because you're an annoying little bitch. Okay, sure, but like I said, if there's a chance at all that this could work, fuck it, I'll fight for it.

Seriously? When have I ever been a quitter? All the tattoos on my body are dedicated to the fact that I'm that one bitch that fought through hell just to get where I am, this is no challenge remotely near the magnitude of what I've faced before, and with that, I'm sure my cold little heart can take a minor punch to the dick next month if this doesn't work out and all my efforts are thrown in the metaphorical toilet. And you know what, I'm absolutely done with thinking that rejection will hurt me. I realized that even if he's just not down for a relationship, we'll still be friends anyway. So IDGAF, if it doesn't work out, fine; despite being an inexpressive, emotionless, cold-hearted bitch, I stand by every word I told him on Sunday; even if we can't be together, he was my friend before we started seeing each other, I cared about him before we started liking each other, and despite the fact that he thinks I'm going to forget about him, I won't; because even if we were never meant to be with each other, I'll always remember that after all the bullshit that happened this year, he was the one guy that showed me it's still possible to respect and trust men again.
I'm crazy about him.

I'm gonna carry on with my good week, carry on with my good summer and hopefully it all works out for the better. Yupp, fuck it, I'm done with this rant.