Tonight I had plans to go to a good friend's house party, or to Fionn's with the best friend, or to see the guy. However, now it's looking like I'm going absolutely nowhere because last night I slept over at the guy's house and now my parents want to have "their night"... which is entirely fair, I guess I have no choice but to stay in though. Not that that's a bad thing at all; My son's been in bed since 8, I'm exhausted out of my mind and this just gives me the time I need to think.
So, before setting myself a pot of tea and taking a book with me to have a bubble bath, I decided maybe I'd write a blog post relevant to my thought process as of late.
Inspired by Chelsea's post; it's fair to say that no one knows how much a person can mean to them, even if they were insignificant in their lives before. Relevance? After last night, I realized a few things...
a) shit changes FAST
b) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize whether that person has the ability to make you happy or not
c) it only takes seconds after really being with someone to realize that you don't want to lose them
So basically I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore about this situation and I'm pretty torn about it because things keep changing and are unexpectedly getting progressively better. It's one of those situations where you gotta say "what goes up, must come down" and I feel like the God that my atheist "not-really-my-boyfriend-but-practically-my-boyfriend" doesn't believe in is punishing me for something horrid that I must have done in the past, let me explain...
Last night, it was really nice being with the guy and of course, I was really happy to spend time with him because I haven't seen him almost all week. It's like every time we're together he finds more and more ways to make me smile, giving me more and more reasons to like him, but then it always hits me once we're not together anymore that he's going away in September and that will be the end of that and it's just suuuuuch a mighty bitch to even think about. I've already come to accept it and I just keep telling myself not to fall for him just to save myself the trouble of dealing with the consequences of whatever is to come of this once the summer is over.
Well, to be honest, it's really hard being with someone you care this much about who you know you're going to lose, indefinitely, but soon. I'm enjoying my summer with all the people involved, but every second spent with him, as stated in my last post, has been amazing. But every time he kisses me goodbye, and he's out of sight, it hits me again that I'm actually going to lose this guy. I'm trying not to get attached, but I must be doing a poor job at that, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it. I keep asking myself why I bother seeing him anymore knowing that we can't actually be together, but I haven't been able to answer that question yet. I mean, maybe it's because I'm trying to get the best out of this as I can because of how happy he makes me, or maybe it's because I'm slightly masochistic and I get off to the self-torture of being in these shitty situations.
Who knows?
What I know for sure is that a month ago, I started liking him; two weeks ago, I learned to respect him; and this week, I trust him. He's a rarity as far as I'm aware and in my eyes, he's certainly worth fighting for. But even though he's entirely worth the fight, knowing whether I WOULD is different from knowing whether I SHOULD...
A lot has changed in just under two weeks and I'm starting to feel as if things will keep getting better with him until the end of August when he has to move back and then it'll be the shittiest buzz when I have to say bye not only to him but to Chelsea and Kaitlyn as well...
Then I think about what Chelsea wrote in her last post; I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and there must be a reason out there for this strange occurrence.
In the past, I have fought for things that meant much less to me than he does.. like when I was little and I would kick and scream on the floor for hours until my mom apologized for blaming something on me when it was my brothers fault. I mean, I really don't think I could have cared any less for that, but I fought like hell to get it. I'm just torn between the decision to just let myself lose this guy just because that's what's written in the stars or if the whole reason why this is all coming down on me so heavily is because I'm actually supposed to do something about it and apparently about a month and a half is ample time to act on it...
But then again...
My tea is waiting for me and there's a bubble bath calling my name.. I'm dying to delve into the pages of my book and just forget.... To be fair, the last time I fought for a guy, he never put an ounce of effort into fighting for me.. so conclusively... I'll just let my heart rip open for a few days while I wallow in the fact that I'm going to lose another amazing guy.
Bath time.
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